


Give Your Heart

by fartemis



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Eventual Fluff, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:54:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 51,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28991016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fartemis/pseuds/fartemis
Summary: Captain Levi read the message in silence. You watched him intently. He was inherently still, something that could not be said for most people, and he had an oppressive air about him that wasted no time getting under your skin. You were completely tense as you waited. Something about him unsettled you.His mouth drew into a disgusted frown. He penned his response below Hange’s note and took great care to fold it along its original seams. When he offered the message back to you, he looked directly through you, and his presence swallowed you whole. Your breath caught in your throat. You gently retracted your hand with the note, all the while locked into place by the captain.Were you afraid? Ashamed? Merely uncomfortable? The feeling that overwhelmed you was completely unfamiliar, but it made a home inside you, grasping at every fiber of your being with an awesome power that made you want to tear your hair out. It struck you like lightning. You wanted to bolt from that place and hide from it no matter the cost. Though, at the same time, your life depended on it. You felt… visible.
Relationships: Jean Kirstein/Reader, Levi & Reader, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Reader, Levi/Reader
Comments: 170
Kudos: 322





	1. Humor

**Author's Note:**

> for the purposes of this fic, all characters are consenting adults. i will also be changing the timeline around a little bit, but the major events will remain the same. thanks for reading (:

You began collecting your things from the floor of the musty dorm room. You pulled your baggy cotton pants up to your waist and slung a thin, roomy shirt over your head.

“Leaving so soon?” a man whined from behind you.

Turning with a playful sneer, you tousled the latte-colored hair atop your partner’s head. “I have some sleeping to do, Jean-boy,” you said with silk in your voice. You pinched his razor-sharp chin between your fingers and kissed him deeply, pushing him back into the bed. His hands clasped hungrily at your hips, fingers clutching with an iron grip, while your naked skin peeked out from between them. With little effort, you ended the kiss with a flick to his forehead. “Later, Kirschtein.”

The door to Jean’s dorm room closed behind you. Your naked feet padded through the men’s barracks as they had many lonely nights throughout your training. The cold stone woke you from the daze that your rendezvous with Jean put you in. You rounded familiar corners through the building, undetected. It came time to cross campus and enter the female barracks, which prompted a few guards to fall victim to your invisibility spell. It was quite easy to cast; in fact, all it cost was a few coins and one good word with a superior officer. You and Jean were only able to make those late-night adventures possible when a specific set of soldiers were on guard rotation. They had become silent friends of yours the past years. You were sad to think of leaving the familiar faces of the training campus, but beyond elated to never see Keith Shadis’s face ever again. You had barely scraped yourself the number ten position of the 104th Training Corps in recent weeks, and you would be damned if you ended up Titan feed because your form was off.

You entered your room quietly. Ymir had left the candle beside her desk burning, a river of wax trailing all the way down to the floor. You blew it out and ducked beneath the top bunk. The bedframe creaked awfully as you adjusted yourself beneath the thin covers. A dreamless sleep came to you quickly.

Early-morning training hit you and Jean like nothing else. You two lagged behind the main group in a pathetic attempt to keep up. The sun was beating down on you, a thick layer of sweat-soaked cotton between your back and the fifty-pound sack strapped to you. Shadis wasn’t letting up, even in the final stretch before cadets could choose their new regiment.

“Fuck this,” you grunted, wrenching your bag higher on your shoulders. “This is all your fault.”

Jean choked out a laugh between labored breaths. “Maybe if you weren’t such a whore.”

Your lips parted in a wide, wicked smile. You knocked your shoulder into him and decided to make him regret his words. Despite your relatively short stature, you put a considerable distance between the two of you, eventually ending up closer to the other cadets than Jean. The pain in your legs and lungs were well worth it to find him collapsing at the finish almost a full minute after you.

Lunch was exceptionally pleasant that day. You sat with Krista Lenz and your roommate Ymir, knowing that they would eventually be sucked into their own world and leave you unbothered. You brought some light reading to enjoy while you sipped away at a wonderful stew. You were entranced with the words on the pages, rhythmically lifting your spoon to your mouth every few moments, only to find your lunch gone without remembering to enjoy it.

“Want me to take that for you?” Krista offered, rising from her place across from you.

“Oh, thanks,” you nodded, and handed her your bowl. You looked to Ymir. “What are you doing this afternoon?”

Expressionless, she shot her gaze to Krista. “What are we doing this afternoon?”

Krista smiled up at the freckled woman. “I have an exam at 15:00, but after that I’m free.”

Ymir nodded at you. “I’ll be in the room until then.”

“Sounds good,” you said. “See you guys later.” You remained in the warm, wooden mess hall for a good while, blissfully absorbed into your reading. Your afternoon was to be dedicated to some technical skill application until Ymir left with Krista. You both coveted alone time, so you had an unspoken agreement to be in the room together the least amount of time possible. It wasn't out of disdain for her; you two were quite fond of one another, in fact. Everything was simple.

Your book took you another hour or so until you decided to get some time in with the omni-directional maneuvering gear. It was, by far, your worst score. How ironic you needed to get that up in order to never have to use that equipment again.

You picked up your gear from the storeroom and lugged it across campus to the stables. With a beautiful dusty steed and an armful of metal, you set out to the Titan training grounds in the small forest nearby. Older cadets, such as yourself, were allowed some afternoons to complete conditioning of their own choosing. Three years of vigorous training and you could finally take a piss without asking. 

A few hours of slicing pseudo-napes later, you called it a day and began the trek back to campus. Bright orange painted the cloudless sky. Your stomach began to grumble at the notion of sunset. Still, you and your dusty brown horse took your time to drink in the early evening. If you tried hard enough, you could even imagine the walls weren’t obscuring the horizon, and you could see rolling mountains in their place. The home humanity made inside the walls was beautiful, no doubt, but always confined. You watched a mourning dove soar high above you. You smiled as you thought of what a peaceful life it must live, being truly free. It could come and go from the world within the walls as it pleased. Furthermore, there weren’t any massive bird cannibals that ruined the dove’s life five years earlier.

You promised your horse some grooming time after dinner and, with a kiss on his nose, you let him out to pasture at the stables. You left his tack on the fence as a reminder to yourself to tend to him. You would see it on your walk from the mess hall back to your dormitory. For the moment, however, all you could think about were the mashed potatoes waiting for you at dinner. You dropped your equipment back in the storeroom, signed your name on the dropoff sheet, and jogged excitedly to your friends.

The mess hall was warm with candlelight and laughter. Drinks sloshed and cadets hollered and the thick, beautiful smell of potatoes and gravy solicited a small hum of pleasure from you. Nearing your usual table, you found your empty space with a tray of piping-hot deliciousness set especially for you. The culprit: Kirschtein. The lanky, presumptuous man eyed you fondly over his shoulder, nodding toward the seat beside him.

“Oh, hello!” Sasha Braus waved. Her lively eyes greeted you happily. The others at the table smiled and waved as you slid onto the bench seat.

“Thanks,” you grinned at Jean.

He flashed his teeth. “No problem, short stuff.”

You rolled your eyes. Your stomach gurgled with anticipation as you began to dig into your meal. Besides the potatoes, there were some roasted vegetables and rice, but those were much less exciting. As you ate, you took in the conversation happening around you.

“You really think you can be in the top ten, huh?” Connie Springer asked Jean with a malevolent sparkle in his eye. “I bet you my entire life’s savings you’ll end up number eleven.”

“Here we go,” you muttered.

Jean, immediately offended, began yelling. “And what might that be? Barely enough to buy an apple, I bet!”

Connie didn’t miss a beat. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you, horse-face?”

The others began whinnying at Kirschtein, his face glowing bright red in seconds. He turned to you with an exasperated grunt. “You think I’ll make top ten, right?”

You thought for a moment, wondering if you’d want to make the table laugh at his expense.

It was a brief moment.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, Jean-boy.”

Your friends began roaring with laughter, even Bertholdt Hoover stifling a chuckle under his hand. Jean groaned loudly. From his other side, Marco Bodt clapped a hand on his shoulder, beaming his fresh smile. “Don’t worry, Jean, I think you’ll make a great Survey Corps recruit.”

A collective gasp rose from the group. Marco was usually level-headed and lighthearted; it was unusual for him to make such a joke, especially one so sharp. Even Jean couldn’t help but burst out laughing with the rest of you.

Just as the noise began to die down, an official hush fell across the hall. All eyes turned to the main doorway, where a group of people enshrouded in forest green stood. Shadis walked up to the tallest one, a blond man with strong, stoic features, and shook his hand. Shadis turned to the rest of the room.

“Listen up, cadets,” he boomed. The crow’s feet around his eyes seemed to be even more pronounced than usual. You swore you saw a second vein popping on his forehead. “As you all know, the 104th Cadet Corps training is almost at an end. You will be choosing your new regiment in the coming weeks. I have invited some higher-ups from each regiment to come by and give you an opportunity to get to know your futures.”

Murmurs broke out across the hall. It suddenly made you nervous, how close you were to choosing your next step. You hoped as hard as you could that the choice would be made for you with a spot secured in the top ten.

“Attention!” Shadis growled. The room fell silent once more. He gestured to the blond man beside him. “This is Commander Erwin Smith, of the Scout Regiment.”

Commander Erwin Smith placed his fist over his heart. “It is an honor to meet the younger of us who will someday fill our shoes.”

“I’d sooner sleep with Connie,” Jean said darkly. You elbowed him in the ribs, causing an outbreak of giggles at your table. Thankfully, the commander’s voice drowned out the noise. It was a smooth boom that took effort not to listen to. 

“What do you say,” Jean whispers, “up for a little dare?”

You eyed him warily. “What kind of dare?” You shot a look past at Shadis to make sure you weren’t caught talking over the commander.

“See the little one?”

“Huh?” You cocked an eyebrow.

“Up there, barely at the commander’s shoulder.”

Sure enough, there was a small man beside the commander. He looked hilariously tiny next to Erwin, who was built like a horse. The other one, however, was built like a foal. You could barely see the top of his hood above the heads seated in front of you.

“What about him?” you asked.

“Go up to him and make fun of his height and I’ll buy you anything you want.”

Your lips curled into a devilish smile. “That’s it?”

He nodded glibly. “That’s it.”

“Not even in front of everyone?”

Jean shook his head.

You scoffed. “You’re too easy, Kirschtein.”

The Military Police and Garrison Regiment leaders also gave short speeches regarding their expectations and goals for new recruits. You listened intently to the MP leaders talk. It was encouraging to imagine yourself standing among them years down the road, inviting the shiny new recruits to your ranks. You stared at the back of Jean’s head and wondered where he would end up. The top ten was no guarantee for either of you. If not the Military Police, certainly he wouldn’t join the Scouts. You wouldn’t be caught dead in their ranks either. They were the laughing stock of humanity. Hard-working citizens paid egregious amounts of taxes just to pay for the Scout Regiment’s coffins.

The crowd in the mess hall began to thin out after introductions were finished. Shadis advised his cadets that the regiment leaders would be available for questions for a short while before they depart. A long line formed in front of the MP’s table, whereas only a few stragglers could be found talking with the others. Eren Jaeger and Mikasa Ackerman were the only two in front of the Scouts’ table.

“You ready?” Jean teased.

“I’m definitely watching this,” Connie said excitedly.

Sashs also remained seated.

You narrowed your eyes at them. “Just to watch me make fun of some short dude?”

They both nodded.

You shook your head and rose from your seat. “Whatever. I’ll be back.”

“Wait! Before you go,” Jean barked, grabbing your arm. “I think he might be as short as you. Make him stand up so we can see.”

Sasha and Connie nodded fiercely.

“I’ll see what I can do.” You began your journey toward the short man in green. You felt slightly guilty for what you were about to do to him in front of his teammates, but you would never see him again, so it didn’t quite matter to you. Humor was the one thing you could always count on.

As you grew closer, Commander Erwin set his eyes on you. They were kind, but not entirely present. _A man as high up in the ranks as him must have a lot on his mind,_ you thought. A tall person with goggles strapped to their head and a messy reddish-brown ponytail jabbered buoyantly while another man with dirty blond hair and short stubble stared into the distance. The short one was spaced out, bored.

You planted your feet before the table and saluted the group. The other person was still going on about something.

“Welcome,” Commander Erwin nodded. “Interested in the Scout Regiment?”

“Yes, sir,” you confirmed. Your eyes shifted to the bored man closest to you. “More importantly--”

“Right, Levi?” they exclaimed, slamming their palm down on the table. The bored man flitted his narrow eyes over his shoulder. They were taken aback by the silence, and only then did they take notice of your presence. “Oh! Hello!” Another second passed before they registered that you had come to seek advice from the Scouts. Their face lit up preciously. Bolting up from their seat, they asked, “Do you like research?”

“I, um…” you stammered. “I do.”

“Fantastic!” their eyes dazzled as they brought their hands together in a dreamy expression. “Remind me of this conversation when you join us.”

“Of course” you nodded, “but I have one…” Your voice trailed off as their words rattled around your brain. _Right, Levi?_ Your heart crashed through your stomach and you cursed Jean, Connie, and Sasha right to hell. The man they wanted you to make fun of was none other than Captain Levi Ackerman, also known as humanity’s strongest soldier and the Scout Regiment’s most terrifying superior officer. If only you had been paying attention during introductions.

“One what?” Captain Levi’s voice tore through your internal monologue like a silver bullet. “Spit it out.”

You were deeply shaken at the mere thought of teasing the man in front of you. You gulped audibly. “One question.”

The four waited blankly for your follow-up.

Quick thinking was typically your strong suit, but you were unbelievably mortified of actions you had yet to perform. You spoke the first thing that came to mind. “Have you ever been able to experiment directly on a Titan?”

The person with the goggles almost leapt across the table. The three men around them immediately disengaged from the conversation. You soon longed to be one of them. You stood at the Scouts’ table for quite some time, listening to them babble on about Titan mysteries.

“Section Commander Hange,” Commander Erwin spoke after some time of their rambling. “We have to be getting back soon.”

Immediately, they slumped down. They looked at you with pleading eyes. “Don’t be shy once you’re inducted. I have great things planned for you!”

You nodded strongly. “Thank you.” Guilt stabbed you in the gut. _Hopefully they’ll understand when I don’t show up._

Commander Erwin thanked you for your time and dismissed you. You turned on your heel and strutted right past the table of traitors. Chortling all the way out of the building, they commended you on your efforts.

“I can’t believe you set me up like that.” You shook your head angrily.

Jean put his arm around you and squeezed you close, and you looked away in defiance. “Don’t be so mad. To be fair, you should have known that was him anyway.”

You pushed yourself off of him. The chilly night air wrapped around you. As Connie and Jean walked the two of you back to your dorm, you spotted the saddle you left on the pasture’s fence. You swore under your breath. “I have to groom the horse I used earlier,” you told your friends, and began veering off to the left.

“Where are you going?” Connie asked. He pointed to Jean. “He’s right here.”

Jean shouted at him, and you smiled.


	2. Cataclysm

The coming weeks were grueling. Mentally, physically, and emotionally, you were bereft of the stamina necessary to drag on. Still, there was no time for self-pity if you were to make it anywhere near the top ten. On you marched through the hardest conditioning Shadis had put you through since you became a cadet.

After the final night of strength training, you and your teammates collapsed on a grassy hill just outside campus. Torches could be seen in the distance, orange embers carving into the dark blue night ambiance. Crickets sang in the small patch of trees behind your group. You could almost feel yourself falling asleep.

“When does the list come out?” someone asked to your left. Your heart jumped and your eyes flew open. They were a blissful few moments, those when you forgot your future depended on that list.

Mikasa’s soft voice answered, “Tomorrow.”

The group of cadets on that grassy hill became still with tension. Some were guaranteed spots, like Mikasa, but the further down the list you thought, the less certain you were of whose name would appear. Yours? Jean’s? Marco’s? You hated the thought of being torn from your two very best friends in the entire world. _Bottom three,_ you told yourself. _That’s all we need._

Like clockwork, a familiar freckled hand squeezed yours. You turned your head to the side to see Marco's certified shining smile. “We’ll be on it. I’m sure of it.”

You grinned back at him. He had a knack for sensing your anxiety. Like a very attentive dog. “Thanks, Marco,” you whispered. You squeezed his hand back and pushed yourself to your elbows. You counted the bodies around you. Armin Arlert, Mikasa, Eren, Connie, Jean, Marco, Krista, Ymir, Sasha, Reiner Braun, Bertholdt. Then Annie Leonhart, who was assuredly number one. Then you. Not to mention other cadets, who have all been making the final push for that list like the rest of you.

Nothing but that list occupied your mind for the next eighteen hours. Not even Jean’s insufferable self-absorption was enough to make you laugh. Nor Connie’s farts.

“Jeez, lighten up,” Connie muttered, stirring his porridge at lunch the next day. “It’s not like you to be so wound up.”

You sighed. “I’ll feel a lot better when I know I won’t ever have to see an outer wall again.”

“Wall Maria was an outer wall once.”

You lifted your eyes to Eren, fire in his expression. He caught you by surprise; you had never spoken to him directly before.

“All of you, only thinking of yourselves…” he shut his eyes. “You’re cowards!” He slammed his fist on the table. The mess hall went silent.

“Don’t talk to her like that!” Jean hissed. You placed a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to assuage his temper. “You think you’re better than everyone just because you want to ride headfirst into a Titan’s mouth?”

Eren jumped up, furious. “I think I’m better than you because I’m more concerned with the fate of humanity than my own ass!”

Jean matched his stance. “The fate of humanity? You really think you’re going to last five seconds before you get ripped to shreds?”

The two hot-headed men found their way to one another and began shouting in each other’s faces. Jean was insistent that eradicating the Titans was a hopeless cause, and that Eren’s foolish confidence would get him and others killed. You were of a mind to agree with him. Meanwhile, Eren was boiling with rage. The argument grew until Jean swung at Eren’s head, causing the hall to explode with cheers, and they both descended into a flurry of fists.

You watched, snickering with Sasha and Connie. Eren eventually grabbed Jean’s collar and, slamming him against a pillar, shook the candle holders bolted to it and knocked the wind out of Jean. “How pointless is your life, knowing you only live for yourself?”

Your smile dropped. Eren’s words struck a chord with you, and suddenly you felt guilty for wanting a cushy position away from the troubles beyond the walls. You loved your friends and family with all your heart, and you claimed to extend that love to most others, but you now saw how hypocritical you were. Were you really okay with calling yourself compassionate when the most important thing to you in the past few years has been sealing yourself away within the Military Police?

Before you could think further about Eren’s question, Shadis and some other training officers barged into the mess hall, whistling for attention. There was barely time to quiet down before he began shouting.

“Titans have breached Wall Rose! All available squadrons to Trost District immediately!”

Your spoon fell from your fingers and clattered onto the wooden floor. The mess hall was frozen in time, gaping mouths and wide eyes set on Keith Shadis, incredulous.

After some silence, he roared again, “ _Immediately!_ ”

Panic set in. Cadets rushed around, plates and mugs crashing to the floor and shattering. You stared ahead for a moment before Jean and Marco grabbed either one of your arms and hoisted you to your feet. Jean squeezed your shoulders. “Let’s go, okay?”

You nodded weakly. Your bones felt hollow. Jean took your hand and began winding through the masses, dragging you to the storeroom where your gear sat. All you could think was that this was punishment for your selfishness. Eren was right: you were a coward. You were terrified of the objective in front of you. You wanted nothing more than to abandon everyone and everything in sight. At least a military execution was more merciful than a Titan’s mouth.

You stood paralyzed in the storeroom while faces blurred as frightened cadets rushed around you. The blood pounding in your ears was deafening. Gas canisters clattered on the floor out of shaky hands. A pair of cadets hugged and sobbed together. Someone was yelling. You felt like years passed while you stood there, staring at the omni-directional maneuvering gear that Jean had set on the bench in front of you.

There was a tug at your thigh. You looked down. There Marco knelt, hands working quickly on your harness. He passed a buckle behind you to Ymir. She hoisted your ODM gear onto the small of your back. Your body wavered as they pushed and pulled on the leather straps across you. Marco stood after they were finished and took your hands in his. His smile wasn’t radiant, but it was soft. Comforting. His lovely brown eyes had a sweet sadness to them.

Another cadet rushed past you, knocking you into Marco and jarring your consciousness. Suddenly the room was much more vivid, each groan of the wood floors beneath you perfectly clear, the voices engulfing you finally settling to where you could understand them apart from one another. You shook your head of the remainder of your daze.

You looked back up to your best friend. His short brown hair was adorably messy due to the commotion.

“Ready?” he asked.

You nodded reluctantly. It was as good a time as any to prove Eren wrong. You weren’t a selfish soldier. You were prepared to put your life on the line for the sake of others. Right?

. . .

An ear-piercing screech infiltrated your head. You winced, groaning, wishing for it to stop. But it wouldn’t. There was more shouting. You didn’t want to be awake. Why was everyone being so loud? All you wanted was to be asleep. You turned your head and smacked it into something cold and rounded. It sent a shock of pain barreling through your skull, causing you to shout, and your eyes opened to a cloudless blue sky. Your vision took a moment to adjust to the sunlight.

Something passed above you. It cast a shadow on your face, and you felt a tickle on your cheek. Blonde hair hung over you. You soon recognized Krista’s worried face. She was clutching a roll of bandages to her chest and breathing heavily.

“What…” you mumbled. The ache in your head began to settle. Your entire body throbbed with each pump of your heart.

Krista sighed, relieved. “I thought you were going to be out for a lot longer.” She gave you a weak smile and sat back on her heels. You turned to look at what you knocked your head on and found Ymir’s boot an inch from your temple. She looked down at you with severe eyes.

You realized the screaming had stopped. You rose slowly to a seated position and found yourself on a roof. Armin was leaned up against a chimney across from you. His hands were dug into his scalp and his eyes wide, staring at his feet. You identified Connie standing over him.

As you turned your head, everything came flooding back.

Trost was a nightmare.

The entire district was in shambles. Buildings were toppled, mangled bodies among the rubble. Smoke poured from homes that were destroyed. Some even had flames licking the outside air. Titans could be seen roaming in the distance. Not another cadet in sight.

A gasp escaped your lungs. “Where’s Marco? Jean?” You looked to Ymir. You knew she wouldn’t give you shit.

She blinked. “Marco was the one that found you. He took you to Reiner and Bertholdt, and then they all found us. Told us to stay back in case they can’t make it to the supply depot. No word on the other one.”

Your jaw clenched. Before the tears could find their way from your eyes, you shook it off. There was no time to think about that. You slowly got to your feet. Pain shot through every inch of you, but you pushed it away. “Okay. What next?”

Your team ended up waiting while you and Armin recovered. It made you sad to hear the news. There was clear proof that bravery and a big mouth are no match for the real world. You didn’t feel so guilty about your longing to join the Military Police.

At the supply depot, Jean and Marco’s teams came together with some others who were hiding there. Mikasa made it in last, telling everyone of a Titan that was killing other Titans. She said it saved her life. They could see it in the distance through the shattered windows. Each team came together to take out the Titans in the depot’s first floor. With replenished equipment, a few splintered off to run resources over to your team, whereas the others were sent toward Wall Sina to help with evacuations.

Your team observed the muscular Titan with a wide mouth and long brown hair from afar. You all watched its every move with confusion and hopefulness. It was taking other Titans out left and right. However, you still had to be cautious; you couldn’t get to the supply depot without getting close to it, and you couldn’t risk picking a fight with it. No matter how badly you wanted to move, you were stranded. 

At some point you lost sight of the strange Titan. Not much longer after that, Marco, Jean, and a pretty woman with red hair met you at your rooftop. You were beyond relieved to see both of them alive and well. They both smelled horrible, though, and you let them know.

“Is everyone here okay?” the red-haired woman asked. She had sparkling topaz eyes and the sweetest face you’d ever seen. However, her jacket bore a different patch on it than yours. A set of feathers, one white and one blue, sat stitched above her heart. She was a Scout.

The others looked to you, as you were the only one badly injured. You nodded. “I can get back fine, thank you.”

She smiled at you. You knew from that smile that she had felt every bit of pain you felt at that moment a thousand times over. She assisted your group replace their gas and blades, stating, “All you rookies back to the wall. We’ll finish cleaning up this mess.”

Her confidence shocked you. The Scouts lost countless soldiers every day. How was she so sure they would be able to handle it?

Regardless, you heeded her words. Your group began traveling back to the wall. On the way there, you encountered an area with three Titans. They spotted your team before you could change course, so Reiner, Bertholdt, and Ymir sped past you to engage with the first one. The first two distracted it while Ymir sliced its nape wide open. The 10-meter potbellied figure crashed to the ground. You shifted your attention to the other Titans just in time to see a whirl of green followed by two spurts of blood from each Titan’s neck. The person responsible landed delicately on the roof near your team.

“Wow…” Krista breathed. “Thank you!”

The man peered over his shoulder. You were surprised to see Captain Levi’s bloodied face peer over his shoulder to Krista. Steam rose from his body in droves.

“Get to the wall,” he said flatly. Without hesitation, he shook a few strands of black hair from his eyes and leapt from the red shingles where he stood. You watched him in awe. He met up with the red-haired woman that came from the supply depot with Jean and Marco.

That’s how she was so sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone! i appreciate y'all reading and leaving kudos!


	3. Induction

Your world changed significantly after the attack on Trost. Eren was eaten by a Titan. And then Eren became a Titan. He moved a boulder triple his size to seal the hole in Wall Rose. The military lost a horrifying amount of people. The cleanup was nauseating; the smell of death hung heavy in the air. It didn’t help that the sun was hotter than it had been in weeks. After you were cleared by a medic, you were sent on identification duty and found yourself speaking with the recently dead. You weren’t quite sure why. To ease them, perhaps. To let them know, if they were somehow listening, that their lives were meaningful if not short.

The chaotic state of affairs made it necessary to postpone the recruit induction ceremony, so when that day finally came, you were surprised it took place. All the cadets were half-expecting it to be delayed since the cleanup efforts were nowhere near finished. To make matters worse, Shadis was to announce the top ten rankings at the ceremony. You had completely forgotten about the rankings until then. It seemed so trivial when there was much more significant work to be done.

However, as you stood in the warmly-lit hall that evening, you felt the tension in every inch of your body. You wanted absolutely nothing to do with Titans ever again. No matter how much a coward it made you, that was the choice you were going to make. Even joining the Garrison made you nervous because of the proximity to the walls.

At Trost, you barely scraped by. You had unsuccessfully attempted to assist others in taking down Titans, but your ODM accuracy wasn’t good enough. You used too much gas to compensate and ended up falling into a pile of rubble. You were knocked out until Armin began screaming about Eren. Had you been any less lucky, you would have been lunch.

You bounced on your heels as the instructors made their congratulatory speeches. Your fingers tapped anxiously at your side. It felt like they were talking for so long on purpose, teasing you with the knowledge they had and you didn’t.

Finally, the time came. Shadis took the center of the stage once more. Hands clasped stiffly behind his back, he cleared his throat. “This 104th Cadet Corps top ten rankings are as follows.”

The hall was utterly devoid of noise. Not one cadet was breathing.

“Number one: Mikasa Ackerman.”

_Expected._

“Number two: Reiner Braun.”

_He’s an excellent fighter. Understandable._

“Number three: Bertholdt Hoover.”

_Smart as a whip. Willing to do what it takes._

“Number four: Annie Leonhart.”

_Surprising she isn’t higher._

“Number five: Eren Jaeger.”

_A Titan can join the Military Police._

“Number six: Jean Kirschtein.”

You shot a smile at the back of his head.

“Number seven: Marco Bodt.”

_Perfect!_ Only you were left. 

“Number eight: Connie Springer.”

_Okay._

“Number nine: Sasha Braus.”

Your heart dropped. You dug your nails into your palms until your knuckles were white.

“Number ten: Krista Lenz.”

The rest of his words escaped you. He didn’t say your name. You weren’t in the top ten. You could never truly be safe from the Titans. You were sure you were picking your death sentence either way, and almost all of your friends were certainly off to the Military Police. Well, except Ymir, but you two didn’t talk much.

You strained to keep your stomach calm until the time came to pick. Recruits conversed with one another and congratulated the top of the class. You remained on the outer edge of the crowd, leaned on a stone wall, your hand on your stomach. A chill seeped through your hair to the back of your head.

“Speak of the devil!” a familiar voice rang.

You looked to your left and found the person with the goggles from the Scouts. You struggled to remember their name. They began to march over to you, a few other cloaked individuals trailing behind. Their wide grin helped set aside some of your anxiety.

“Hello! Congratulations!” they beamed. “I hope you still plan on joining my research team.”

You plastered a smile on your face. You had nothing to say.

“You don’t even have a research team,” a low rumble cut through their excitement. Behind them stood Captain Levi, lazy expression implying that he’d rather be anywhere but there. “Be realistic, Hange.”

“Oh, don’t let Erwin fool you,” Hange hummed, waving the captain away. “I know he’s just playing hard to get.” They turned their attention back to you. “Anyway, you’ll still be joining us, correct?”

You opened your mouth to speak, but the captain interrupted. Barely lowering his eyes to you, he stated, “This one could barely ask a question without forgetting what it was halfway through.” The sharpness in his tone alarmed you. Did he already think you were incompetent?

Hange rolled their eyes. “Don’t listen to him. He’s grumpy.” They took your shoulders and got extremely close to your face. “I see a lot of potential in you.” The captain’s harsh look burned holes into you.

With your life hanging in the balance, there was a clarity you felt. The decision was easy. It certainly wasn’t the first time you had chosen a risky path out of spite.

Your face softened as your lips settled into a real smile. You felt a fire in your chest as you took charge of your future. “Thank you,” you saluted. “It will be an honor to work under you.”

Captain Levi turned on his heel.

Hange shrieked with delight at your confirmation. They mused about their current and future project plans in an electrifying timbre. It infected you and relieved you of your anxieties. Despite death looming over your future, you felt empowered by the cause and, most of all, Hange. A newfound confidence rushed through your veins.

“Delightful! Well, you go on to your friends, and we’ll be keeping an eye out for you!” They slapped their hand on your shoulder in encouragement, perhaps a little too hard. You smiled in return and parted ways. You trained your eyes on the crowd in front of you, perched on your tiptoes, scanning over heads to find a familiar brunette undercut. The dim candlelight on the sides of the room made that difficult for you. You managed to find Ymir’s sleek brown hair accompanied by the very top of Krista’s blonde head. You began to weave through the groups of cadets in front of you to reach the pair, only to hear Shadis’s call for attention. Tongue clicking in frustration, you shifted into neat rows along with the rest of the cadets and planted your feet. No sign of Marco or Jean near you.

Shadis cleared his throat aggressively. “Cadets, you will now be choosing the regiment you will join as new recruits.” He began up the steps behind the stage, and three banners fell from the rafter above. Three shields, adorned with twin roses, an emerald unicorn, and the white-and-blue wings of freedom. “Those of you who wish to join the Garrison Regiment, please follow Commander Pixis to your meeting room.”

The bald man with matching crow’s feet stepped down from beside Shadis. He silently made his way through the center of the crowd, a hefty portion of your peers falling into step behind him. You scanned the faces from the corner of your eye as they passed. You then swept the room once again, hoping that as your numbers dwindled, you would be able to make out your friends. You spotted Mikasa’s red scarf a few rows in front of you. Eren’s messy hair poked out next to her.

 _At least I’m on his side now,_ you thought darkly.

Shadis spoke once more. “Those of our top ten who wish to join the Military Police, please follow Commander Dok.”

The tired-looking man with dark, thinning hair made his way to the front row of cadets. He passed them, only picking up one follower: Annie. You hoped with all your heart that the others were in the rows behind you, stepping out of line to follow Commander Dok. You would be able to check soon enough.

A bitter laugh rose from Shadis’s throat. “All for the Scouts, eh?” He sighed. “The rest of you, stay put to listen to Commander Erwin. Congratulations.” He stomped down the steps and down the aisle without another look at any of you.

At the head of the room, Commander Erwin took point. He spoke shortly and truthfully about the nature of the decision you all just made. He respectfully allowed the recruits with doubts to defect to the Garrison, which many of you were thankful for. You hoped, if they were still there, that your friends took that opportunity.

Many of those who remained had tears streaming down their faces. 

“At ease,” Commander Erwin announced. The room relaxed. “Take a look around you. These people will save your life, and you will save theirs.” The weight of his words began to settle like a blanket of snow on your shoulders. There was nothing you could do to change your path. It scared you for a moment, but then you saw Hange beginning to introduce themself to the new recruits. Their faith in you balanced your feelings.

You suddenly remembered you were free to break your stance and your heart stuttered. You whipped your head around the room to search for them. Among a few unfamiliar faces, you spotted an alarming number of the top ten list. Your eyes made it to the recruits behind you. Your face dropped as you saw their sad smiles, reaching their arms out to wrap you in a fierce embrace. The two loves of your life squeezed you to them and lifted your feet off the ground.

“Why…” you whispered. They were silent.

Commander Erwin’s voice rang out overhead. “Gather your things from the dorms and say your goodbyes. We leave in one hour.” His footsteps echoed on his journey from the meeting hall. Three other sets of boots hit the floor behind him.

You finally broke free of Marco and Jean’s arms. You looked up at the both of them. Rage boiled from the pit of your belly to the tip of your tongue. You clenched your fists, closed your eyes, and took in a shaky breath. The men began to understand the gravity of their actions.

“You absolute _imbeciles_!” you growled, taking a fistful of hair each and knocking their skulls together.

“Ow!” they shouted in unison.

“Why would you pass up a perfectly good opportunity with the Military Police?” you hissed. Your eyes shot daggers through the both of them.

Jean, rubbing the side of his head, muttered, “Jaeger was annoying me. I needed to get him off my case.”

You rolled your eyes. “Yeah, right. You realize how much danger you’re in now right? There’s no coming back from this.”

Marco’s soft face blunted your anger. “It wasn’t the right choice anymore,” he said, his eyes far away. “We’re needed here.” That was Marco for you: the Golden Rule’s poster boy. He was such a wonderful, insightful person that sometimes it made you sick. Like eating taffy that was too sweet. Still, his resolve was unshakable, and there was no turning back even if it wasn’t.

“Besides,” Jean said in his silky smooth hum, slinging an arm around your shoulders as he began to guide you from the meeting hall. “What would you do without us?”

There was a buzz in the air, sweet and tingly. The scent of embers being propelled into the night was intoxicating to you. It reminded you of many nights you spent as a child curled up under the stars, twigs crackling beside you.

You opened the door to your room to find Ymir’s area vacated. She barely had any belongings, so it wouldn’t have taken her very long. You had a few changes of clothes outside those required for your uniform as well as some personal knick-knacks. You collected the civilian clothes from your wardrobe first, folding them gently into the bottom of your bag. You couldn’t remember the last time you were allowed to wear them. You then layered a small wooden box, stained dark brown with delicate golden clasps, in between those and your uniform clothes. You stopped to sniff a half-burned scented candle. _Mmm… lavender._

Lastly, you tucked a heavy fountain pen in the side pocket. You slung the dark green bag over your shoulder, hand on the doorknob, and said a final goodbye to the empty room that had served you the past few years. There were mountains of memories to be revisited from that room. However, you laid them to rest for the time being and the door clicked shut.

The Scouts had gathered at the campus’s northeast entrance. They obtained an appropriate number of horses from the stables. In the coming weeks, the instructors would bring in new horses in need of training so that the cadets and equines learn together. The sturdy ones were taken by each regiment as needed.

A chiseled man with golden skin and a white cloth wrapped on his head asked for your name. You obliged, and he led you over to a stunning dark brown gelding with legs that turned black as night. His mane and tail were dark as well. “This one’s Griffon,” he said, slapping a hand on the horse’s haunch. “He’s a mean old bastard, but he’ll come around.”

You nodded. “Thank you, sir.”

“Welcome to the Scouts,” he stated, and brushed past you.

You approached the front of your horse. His black eyes watched you intently. Gingerly, you held your palm a few inches from his nose. He snorted at you, making you laugh. “You are crotchety, aren’t you?”

Griffon blinked.

At last, each recruit was given an equine partner. The Scout leaders began making their way up the lines to the front of the formation. You had just managed to rub the back of your hand on Griffon’s nose when Captain Levi popped into your vision. You peered around the side of your steed as he spoke.

“Remember, brats,” he said lazily. “These are yours for as long as you live. Get to know them.” He stopped to help a recruit buckle in their luggage. You wondered how anyone as crass as him could stand helping a subordinate.

You turned back to Griffon. You cautiously swept your fingers up his cheek and down his crest, scratching ever so slightly. He sighed from his nose. “See?” you hummed, resting your forehead on his. “I’m not all that bad.”

“Are you going to get a move on or will we have to leave you here?”

Captain Levi had his intense gaze set on you. A stray breeze ruffled the curtain of black hair hanging in his face. You noticed how both torchlight and moonlight cast a soft glow on the edges of his cheeks. Still caught off guard by the ethereal lighting, you shook your head. “Sorry, Captain.”

He stalked off with a click of his tongue.

You strapped your things behind Griffon’s saddle. Taking the reins and a handful of his mane in your left hand, you placed your left foot in the stirrup and pushed yourself from the ground, right leg swinging gently. You watched as Captain Levi settled himself onto his horse. Hange could be spotted next to him. And with a boom from Commander Erwin, you were off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading yet another chapter of this fic! i'm trying to get through the setup as quickly as possible so we can get to the actual story. let me know if you have questions or suggestions, and as always, thanks for the kudos (:


	4. Perception

The Scout Regiment’s cots were thinner than the Training Corps’s. At least your bed was across the room from Sasha’s. Her snores permeated your eardrums at a low, annoying frequency. The noise kept you from falling asleep even with a pillow pressed over your head. The girl was a more engaging roommate than Ymir, you gave her that, but _wow_ was she loud.

After a long while, you gave up on the entire institution of sleep. Dejected, you smacked your pillow down at the top of your bed and unfurled yourself from your blankets. You snatched your cloth shorts off the floor and pulled them to your hips. You pulled your hair from its suffocating knot atop your head. The hair, bent at odd angles and slightly dirty from the past days’ exertion, dropped past your shoulders. You rummaged through the bag perched on your desk chair until you found the soft olive green shirt you were searching for. The thin fabric enveloped your upper body, the two buttons at the collar undone. It had been a gift from your father a number of years ago.

You began your journey by slipping out of your room and tiptoeing down the hallway. The Scouts only had guard rotations near the armory and higher-ups’ quarters, which made your job relatively easy. The humid air clung to your skin with a stickiness to it. You could feel your hair beginning to reach for the moisture in the air, prompting you to tie it up once more.

The men’s barracks were a short distance from your own. You descended the stone steps to a hefty wooden door that led to the basement. It creaked slightly as you opened it and poked your head through to inspect the room. Thankfully, there were only a few mice to greet you in the storage room. You passed by boxes of rations and barrels of flour on your way to the winding staircase at the other end. You crept up each flight with ease. The nearer you drew to your destination, the wider the grin on your lips, and the hotter the fire in your abdomen.

You grasped the brass doorknob lightly between your fingers. As it turned, you shouldered the door open gingerly and peered inside.

To your right lay Connie, arms thrown in different directions across his face, a pool of saliva collecting on the pillow beside him. To your left lay Jean. He had tucked himself as close to the wall as possible. His warm brown hair was soft against your fingers as the bed shifted beneath your weight. You heard him mutter, but as usual, he was still unconscious. You pouted for a moment, unsure of your course of action.

A mischievous smile spread across your face. You decided to take advantage of his vulnerable state. You snuck your feet under the covers and pulled the remainder over you, scooting yourself until you were flush with the man’s back. You traced a nail from the back of his head all the way down his naked spine, sending a shiver through him. You chuckled softly and pressed your lips to the bend where his shoulder met his neck. He mumbled once more.

You caught a piece of his skin between your teeth. He remained still. Slowly, you brought a hand down his arm, his skin soft and warm against yours, and glided your fingers over his waistband. _Didn’t even have the decency to sleep naked,_ you thought with a sigh. Your nails tickled the skin below his belly button. No response.

“You’re a tough one today,” you whispered. Your playfulness soon ran out. You were too eager to help yourself as you reached down and groped between Jean’s legs until you found your prize. To your delight, you felt his back muscles tense up as he stiffened under your hold.

Jean craned his neck over his shoulder, eyes bleary. “Is it my birthday already?”

You stifled a giggle. He quickly shifted so that he was facing you, arms snaked around your hips, palms pressing you into him. His lips pulled at yours clumsily. Without warning, he ground himself into you, causing heat to rise between your legs. You pulled back from the kiss and looked at his eyes, sleepy, sultry. “Hmm?” he hummed. His typically light voice was full of roughness. Even when all he was thinking about was ripping your pants off, even when he had this knowing smirk on his face, knowing because he could almost taste what he was looking forward to, knowing because he had the pleasure of being with you for quite some time, if not in a romantic sense, surely in an intimate, soul-sharing way, and even when he shamelessly slipped his knee between your thighs, there was a softness to him. It made your heart flutter.

“Connie’s asleep,” you whispered. 

He studied you for a moment, his head tilting slightly. “Shower.” In a flash, he had moved over you and crossed to the door. You covered another laugh with your hand.

Your eyes drew to the front of his dark pants. The sight made you dizzy with anticipation. He gestured for you to hurry, and you did just that. In less than a minute, you were pinned up against the wall of a shower stall, curtain still open, legs wrapped around Jean’s hips. You clawed at his back and bit his shoulder to keep yourself quiet. 

The whole event was short and intense, the both of you leaning against the wall, panting and shaking after the fact. You slowly slid your legs from around him and plunked yourself down on the floor. You hugged your knees to your chest while you caught your breath.

The low light from the front of the shared restroom caught a few beads of sweat glistening on Jean’s back as he bent down to collect your clothing. He rolled it into a ball and threw it at your head. Laughing, you thanked him.

You pulled your clothes on and fixed your hair in the mirror before walking Jean back to his room. He threw his arms around you and leaned against his door, his cheek resting on the top of your head.

You squeezed his arms. “What is it?”

“I’ve missed this,” Jean stated, voice muffled by your hair. “It’s been a while since we’ve been alone.”

You nodded against him. “It’s nice.” However, the hug was short-lived. You withdrew from his arms with a sweet grin. You stood on your toes to pat him on the head. “Night, Kirschtein.”

“Night,” he replied. You heard the door click shut some time after you started down the hall.

Your history with Jean was a complicated one. You, fresh-faced and ready to take life by the balls as a young cadet, were enchanted by his self-assuredness almost as soon as you met him. Unfortunately, it took you some time to realize that was misplaced arrogance. He let you follow him around until he got bored of you. He broke your heart. Then you found out he felt something for Mikasa. It was a bad year.

You knew you would despise Jean the moment you heard how he spoke to his mother. It made your blood boil. You had half a mind to give him a nose job right in the middle of that mess hall, but instead you remained nailed to your seat, seething. Your hometown best friend, Marco, had a light hand on your back to quell your anger. You spoke to Marco of your plan to hate Jean for the rest of time. He neither approved or disapproved.

You desperately wanted Marco to hate Jean on behalf of you, too, but you knew that was unfair. Marco was just that kind of guy--he gave everyone a chance. He had some background information that he would use to form his opinion later. Those two somehow ended up bonding over several training exercises. They both thrived as leaders, and Marco’s level-headedness balanced Jean out perfectly. You hated to admit it, but it looked like you couldn’t ignore him forever after all.

Jean softened on you over time. You both shared a similar cynicism about life, and you both craved intimate attention, though neither of you knew it for a long while. Slowly you began to see him without Marco in your presence. One night, and it tickled your heart to think of this, you snuck off campus to get ale for you and Ymir. Your plan was going very well until Jean caught you red-handed and blackmailed you for your portion. After delivering Ymir’s share, Jean towed you back to his own room and you drank together, telling dark stories, laughing at twisted jokes, and somewhere along the line he ended up on top of you. It was a precious time where you felt genuinely connected with someone on a level you couldn’t understand. However, this connection grew to be purely platonic on both ends. Romance was unappealing to the both of you.

 _We have a strange relationship,_ you thought as you lowered yourself onto your thin, lumpy cot. Sasha was still snoring away across the room. You got very little sleep.

It had been one long month since the battle at Trost. You still suffered from occasional headaches, but you knew how far you could push yourself before it got too bad. Scout Regiment conditioning was an entirely different beast compared to the Training Corps. You built a considerable amount of muscle since becoming a recruit, particularly in your legs. Your goal in the weight room was to squat Krista. After that, your friends wanted to see Connie. They were quite demanding.

When you weren’t training or sleeping, you were in Hange’s office or with Eren and his group between experiments. Your unofficial job was to track his behaviors in his “natural habitat”. While you couldn’t bring a notepad to breakfast to take notes, you saw him often enough outside of experimental conditions to give Hange the answers they wanted.

With a few weeks left before the 57th expedition beyond the walls, you were helping Hange catch up on all their paperwork. Despite their incredibly detailed lab notes, they failed to bring that energy to their regular training dictation and status reports. It became a habit of yours to join Hange in one of the strategy rooms at headquarters and assist with busywork after dinner. Sometimes Hange's official assistant, Moblit Berner, would take the late-night shift. Sometimes you could get out before midnight. There were many nights where you were not so lucky.

One such night, at around three in the morning, dark circles dragging your eyelids down, you hatched a plan. You had fallen asleep during prior occasions, and Hange had always taken the papers from your hands and wrapped a blanket around you. You decided you would pretend to be asleep to escape the onslaught of Titan hypotheses you could hear spilling from their mouth down the hall.

You quickly kicked off your boots and curled up against the arm of the couch. You rested your head on your arm with a pen in your hand. _I hope this is believable._

“... and I think that’s why we have so much trouble with the jumpy ones,” Hange’s voice crept into the room as they came closer. You could hear a few other pairs of boots echoing down the hall. You wondered who could be with them so late.

“Oh?” Hange’s voice caught, and then they laughed. “Looks like she’s out again.”

“Should we move to another room?” Commander Erwin’s voice made your heart jump.

“Oh, no, no,” Hange hummed. You felt a blanket fall across you. “She sleeps like a log. I could even _yell like this_!” Their voice came from somewhere close to your face. You were careful to keep yourself as steady as you could. “See? Nothing!”

“Mm,” Commander Erwin replied. “Be sure to go over everything with her in the morning.”

“Will do.”

 _Go over everything with me? Why am I being included?_ you turned the idea over in your head.

Several people made their way from the front of the room to the large wooden table near the back. Papers rattled and parchment unrolled for a few moments. Another set of footsteps made its way from the doorway to the table. The familiar sound of thin porcelain clattered behind you.

“I told you I could do it,” Hange whined. “Why did we have to wait for you?”

Hot water hit a cup. “Because you make shit tea.”

No one disagreed. The table was silent until four cups of tea were poured. You knew Commander Erwin’s voice with certainty, and Hange was there, but you were unsure of the other two. You couldn’t quite place the voices. Hopefully they would address one another.

“Continue, Hange,” Commander Erwin said. You wondered how he still had a smooth voice after so many years of yelling at cadets.

“Yes!” Hange exclaimed. “I’ve been watching her during ODM exercises and I’ve noticed that she’s worked on one move where she anchors her wires very high up above her, and she kind of swings up and around. She says it’s just for fun, but I’d bet it helps her survey the area, too. I’m thinking that move, along with the knowledge that I gathered from observing an Abnormal that jumps, can make for a great get-out-of-jail-free card.” You could imagine them placing an inquisitive finger to their lip. “Well, a get-out-of-mouth-free card.”

Your ears pricked up when you pieced it together that they were talking about you. _Hange is giving the Commander of our regiment a good word about my ODM move…_ You fought to keep a smile from rising to your lips. 

“What exactly did you learn?” an unfamiliar voice asked.

“Well, I noticed that they often have eyes that are placed more towards the top of their head. That, and I think we should be teaching Scouts to watch the knees to see if they’re braced to jump.”

“We go too fast to be able to spot something like that with enough time to do something about it,” another interjected. “The trees and buildings we use block our view of the ground a good portion of the time.”

“That’s true,” Commander Erwin said. “But even still, this knowledge could help save a life. Make this information known to your squads and other squad leaders. And Hange, have her give you an overview of her technique so that you can disperse it.”

“Yes, sir,” the Scouts at the table said in unison. You began to relax. If that was all the meeting was about, they would vacate soon. Then you could really go to bed.

As the group began to gather themselves, a book was knocked from the table and slammed on the stone floor. It made your eyes squint.

“My bad.”

You waited for some time for each person to take their leave. You had only counted three pairs of footsteps until then. Though no other words were shared, the room still didn’t feel empty. You decided to wait a little longer in case Hange wasn’t the one that hung around.

Without warning, a voice appeared in your ear. “You should at least try to make it look believable.”

You released a shriek at the sudden invasion of your space. Your limbs flailed under the blanket and your paperwork scattered on the floor. Heart pounding, you find Captain Levi crouched down in front of you. Very unamused.

“Oh, no.” You let the smallest of whimpers leave your lips and immediately clapped a hand over your mouth. You regained control of yourself almost instantly, popping up from your seat in a sturdy salute. “My apologies, Captain!”

You strained to keep your gaze forward as he stood, glaring down at you, but somehow expressionless in the same instant.

“The flaw was when I dropped the book,” he stated flatly. You struggled to analyze his face from the corner of your eye. “You flinched. Got complacent.”

“Yes sir,” you agreed. You were at a complete loss as to the direction of the conversation. That is, until you found you were no longer participating in a conversation. Captain Levi was halfway out the door when you broke your stare from the wall across from you. It seemed that was all he had intended to say.

Puzzled, you remained where you stood for a moment. _Did he know I was faking the whole time?_ you wondered. You couldn’t help but read anger in his face each time you looked back on the situation. He was certainly cooking up some awful punishment. _Ugh, cardio,_ you thought with disdain. You quickly gathered your things and tidied up the space you had been using. The walk back to your room was long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, thank you so much for reading! at least you got a shoutout to the commander for your odm skills


	5. Hometown

You died that day. The 57th expedition beyond the walls ended for you in the forest of giant trees. You were in a heap on the forest floor, blood pouring from your face, amidst a sea of mangled bodies. Echoes of the dead remained along the path the Scout Regiment took. Voices screaming from beyond. Limbs being torn from bodies. Bones cracking beneath monstrous feet. Begging for mercy from creatures seemingly incapable of doing so.

The forest was desolate. It had been half a day since any semblance of life had crossed through the knee-high grasses that sprung from its dirt. A trail of blood and scratches in the mud followed a Scout for a short distance while they attempted to drag themselves home. Their struggle ended not long after it began.

Night crept up on the Scouts as they made their way back to Karanes District. The losses they suffered were unimaginable. Yet another strange Titan appeared and destroyed countless lives in the blink of an eye. And so another batch of recruits sat on their horses, quietly sobbing on the way home, forever changed by the land claimed by the Titans.

Your body drew in ragged breaths as you lay contorted in a pool of your own blood. You had long been unconscious, but still your lungs fought, second after second, to fill themselves. Your heart struggled to push what remained of your blood throughout you in a complete circuit. Slowly, your breaths became shorter. Shallower. Your fight ended there as your lips parted for the last time, surrounded by countless soldiers who would become fertilizer down the line, just like you.

… 

You squinted as the morning sun broke through your curtains. You pulled the comforter over your head and began to drift back to sleep.

“Uh-uh.” A hand tore the comforter from your grasp.

You shut your eyes as hard as you could, groaning. “Leave me alone.”

“I don’t think your mother would appreciate that very much.”

“My mother doesn’t appreciate anything,” you pouted.

“Come on, you.” 

A lengthy, disgruntled moan made its way out of your chest as two strong arms lifted you to your feet. You begrudgingly supported yourself. Glaring up at your assailant and wiping the sleep from your eyes, you asked, “Why did you come get me up?”

“We’ve got goat duty today,” the tall brunette stated, hands proudly on his hips. You shot daggers up at that stupid freckled face. Sometimes he was so chipper you just wanted to punch him.

Sighing, you retracted your foul mood. “You win, Bodt.” He gave you a toothy grin as he turned for the door. You shoved his backside with your foot and slammed the door behind him. “I’ll meet you there.”

His light footsteps retreated down the stairs. You looked to the mess you made of your bed as you slept, a whirlwind of sheets, half of which ended up on the floor. You worked quickly to tidy the small sloped bedroom. Your parents had never intended on starting a family, so when your mother became pregnant, they converted the attic of their small cottage into your bedroom. It had filled with trinkets over the years, tokens of your parents’ affections. Only one window was in the room, however, which made it very difficult for you to live your dream of becoming Jinae’s most legendary botanist.

You collected a roomy black shirt and coarse tan pants from your wardrobe. You began your journey to the Bodt family farm, swiftly twisting your hair into a knot at the top of your head. Jinae was a small village near Wall Rose. Nestled in the rolling hills to its north lay a small farm specializing in goats, sheep, and root vegetables. Every weekend since you were small enough to remember, your father took you to work with the animals and play with Marco. Their family was very close with yours.

You began your passage through town, smiling at those you passed. Carefully crafted walkways eventually gave way to a wide dirt path that brought you to Marco’s doorstep. You turned the handle and leaned your head in, peering toward the kitchen. You could smell Mrs. Bodt’s famous potatoes in the making.

“Hey,” you called, “I’m here for the goats!”

Mrs. Bodt’s voice carried beautifully through the corridor. “Out back honey!”

“Thanks!”

The heavy door swung shut. You followed the flagstone down their sloping yard, brown fences stretching in the distance. You could pick out Marco’s sturdy frame among a sea of white and brown specks. He gingerly stepped around them as he spread their feed out, but they kept trying to jump directly in the bucket. A smile broke on your face. You leaned against the fence and watched him escape the horde of goats.

“Took you long enough,” Marco panted. Mud caked his lower half. He tossed the bucket to you, grinning.

The two of you completed your chores in silence. The air between you was lighthearted and loving. You had been partners in everything for most of your lives. Though you were a few years older than him, you looked to him as an older brother. Every once in a while, he would walk by you and tousle your hair, or flick your forehead, or push you off your stool. You couldn’t help but laugh.

When the work began winding down, however, your disposition began to spoil. The corners of your mouth gradually lowered.

Marco noticed the slight change. Raising an eyebrow, he prodded, “Something wrong?”

“Just tired,” you replied automatically, giving him the briefest of smiles. You continued washing your carrots in the stream.

He kept his eyes on you for a moment. When you felt as though he was no longer looking, your face formed a pout once more. “Aha!” he exclaimed, jabbing you with his turnip. “I knew you were bluffing!”

You shot him a look. His big brown eyes held steady.

“Ugh.” You threw your clean carrot in the clean carrot basket. “Fine, I’m sad, okay?” You picked up another dirt-covered tuber and began scrubbing at it violently.

Marco was silent for a while. “Yeah, me too,” he finally agreed. He turned to you. A soft breeze ruffled the hair that had fallen from your bun. “I’ll miss you.”

You stopped abusing the vegetable in your hands. You looked back at him, softened by his words. Something about the way he looked at you with his all-knowing eyes and that sad smile made the anger behind your words melt away. “I’ll miss you.”

The day whipped past you much faster than you would have liked. Soon, you were sitting on their porch swing, watching the sun descend below the wall as you stuffed your face with Mrs. Bodt’s cooking. You leaned your head on Marco’s shoulder and chewed on your fork thoughtfully. The scene before you was so beautiful. It was hard to accept that things would change soon.

Farmhouses and livestock dotted the fields surrounding Marco’s. The reddish shade that fell upon the sky reached as far in the other direction as you could see. Grain danced lightly in the wind, and chimes could be heard singing from different porches. It was a sweet, simple life you had. You grew up in the arms of two doting parents with a small restaurant business. One of their suppliers’ sons became your best friend and confidant. You grew a hearty support network of friends and neighbors. And, to top it off, you were studying under an amazing botanist that boasted about you to her colleagues, saying you were well on your way to building your own apothecary. It made little sense to you, then, that your heart was broken at the thought of merely one of the pieces of your life being taken away.

You had been lost in thought for a decent stretch of time when you finally snapped back to reality. The sun had gone for the evening, twilight spilling out across the village. The scraps on the plate in your lap were cold. The closer the time came, the more your heart ached.

Marco sighed loudly.

You nodded against his shoulder.

You continued in your silent conversation until the stars were glittering high above you. Like the fat half of a sandwich that had been cut unevenly, the moon had swelled just beyond its halfway mark. You turned your heads as the back door squeaked open and Mrs. Bodt stepped outside. She held the same plump cheeks and wide eyes as her son.

“Hi, dears,” she hummed. She sat in the chair opposite you. “Thank you for staying for dinner.”

You smiled at her warmly. “Thank you for having me. Always, I mean.” You sat up and hugged your arms to your stomach as the cold night air swept over the skin that Marco’s arm had been heating. “You’ve done so much for me and my family. Thank you.”

Mrs. Bodt’s eyes glittered with tears. “Oh, you never need to thank us. You’ll be in our lives forever.”

Warmth spread through your chest. How was it possible to be loved so strongly by a mother that wasn’t your own?

“Yeah, like you could ever get rid of us,” Marco laughed. He elbowed you in your ribs.

Pain shot out from where he touched you. It was a dull, blunt pain, but it was intense. Before you had a chance to react, words spilled unwillingly from your lips.

“Why would I ever?”

Your chest thumped again. It tore at the muscles in your abdomen, and you swore you could feel yourself shout, but the air around you remained tender.

A third time. Marco’s smile faded. You couldn’t picture it anymore and your heart began to race. He wasn’t even gone yet and you couldn’t remember his smile. You pressed yourself harder, wracking your brain for images of him, memories with him, things he’d say to you, anything. Nothing would come. Nothing but pure, intense blackness. You were sitting next to him just a moment ago. _Did he leave already?_ No, he couldn’t have. He still had to walk you home. And you still had to weep while you held one another. And he still had to say, “No worries, okay? I’ll see you soon.”

How did you know that? You were only sitting on his porch with him and his mother. You hadn’t even thought of returning home for the evening, and still these thoughts plagued you. He wasn’t there, but he hadn’t left yet. You fought to reconcile with your reality. 

…

A fourth jolt, and your eyes snapped open. Above you towered a sea of green. It was peaceful for a moment, the leaves stagnant in the late summer evening, a slight golden tint warming them. You sucked in a shallow breath.

Memories of the day forced themselves into your mind. You heard screaming as your teammates were plucked from their horses and torn apart right in front of you. As you lifted yourself on top of your saddle and prepared to switch to your ODM gear, the squad in front of you was crushed beneath a Titan in an instant. You felt their blood rain on your face. You had mere seconds to sling yourself twenty meters skyward and barely cleared its shoulder as it reached for you. You released your anchors from the trees and shot them straight down onto the Titan’s neck, blades slashing, and perched yourself on a nearby tree limb as it fell.

 _First kill_ , you thought. You rewatched the scene in your head, breath catching as the Titan stomped on your comrades like ants. You lifted a finger to your cheek, sword still in hand, and felt the droplets of their blood that had dried to your skin. A hole opened in your stomach. There was no time to be proud.

There were no other Scouts near you. You considered the odds of you surviving alone and decided to get as high up as you could to spot flares. But first, you found Griffon and led him to a small clearing off the path. You swiftly kissed his cheek and began your ascent.

You couldn’t spot anything from your first vantage point, so you sunk lower among the branches to find the path. You kept going the way you originally had been on horseback. You remembered nothing after that.

The aftershock of your injuries began to set in. Your left leg felt wrong, like you had stretched too far, but it dug into your bones like nothing else. Your head was pounding, your muscles aching, and your skin irritated from scratches that littered your body. Not to mention your torso stung with every decrepit breath you managed to take in. Your eyes slowly glided down to your chest where you found a bloody fist clenched over your heart. The sensation you felt on Marco’s porch returned beneath it, though it did not move.

You struggled to lift your head the slightest. You followed the arm toward its owner, green cloak torn and bloodied, face just barely visible behind the grass. Your face contorted as you questioned why this person had their hand on you. As if in response, the arm meekly raised and dropped itself, fist falling directly where it had been a second prior. You craned your neck even farther to study the face. 

The sight of freckles sent a shock through your body.

“Oh my…” you gasped, eyes widening. You threw your right arm over yourself in an attempt to roll onto your side. The hand dropped from your chest. “Marco.” You reached for his back, leaning your face closer to his. “Marco?” you whispered. Tears prickled at your eyes.

 _Maybe it’s not him._ You spit on your hand and began scrubbing at the blood on his cheeks.

“No, no, no…” You choked the words out. The eye you could see was dulled and half-rolled into the back of his head. Your shaky fingers went to grasp the back of his head and pull him to you, desperate to feel his warmth one last time. His hair was sticky with blood. The softest hair in the world was a clumpy, disgusting mess.

“I love you so much,” you whispered, straining to get a better grasp on him. Your hand found nothing where his head should have been. Confused, you felt his hair once more, and slowly moved your fingertips until nothing was beneath them.

Your stomach knotted.

You lifted yourself to your elbows despite your body’s protests.

There it lay, right half completely gone.

Entrails leaking onto the forest floor.

Marco’s corpse.

You opened your mouth to scream, but nothing came. Tears poured from your eyes. A slight whimper escaped your throat as you cried.

Frozen, you didn’t notice the rustling that came from your left. You barely noticed the voice that began speaking.

A hand flashed in front of your face and broke you from your trance. You snapped your head over and saw another battered man in green. This one, however, was very much alive. He wore his blond hair back in a short ponytail. You didn’t recognize him.

“A friend?” he asked solemnly, eyes moving to the body beside you.

All you could do was nod.

The man was silent for a moment. You watched as he delicately pulled Marco’s cloak aside and tore the patch from his shoulder. “Sit up for me,” he said.

You did.

He placed the patch in your hands and closed your fingers around it. “I’m sorry. I lost people today too.” His eyes regarded your own with an overwhelming amount of empathy. “This life is hell,” he continued, “and it brings nothing but loss. But we’re human. You will love people, and they will die. It’s horrible.” You could tell he had felt his soul being hollowed out, just as you were.

The man sighed. “I’m Eld. You?”

You managed to whisper your name. 

“Why’d you join the Scouts?”

You looked at him sincerely. Nothing in that moment made sense to you. Not his words, not the death around you, nothing. The question echoed in your head. Why _had_ you joined the Scouts? You looked down at the patch in your lap. It had all started there. You squeezed your eyes shut as a sob wrenched its way out of you. 

Eld placed a hand on your shoulder. You kept your eyes shut.

“Fight for him.”

You looked up.

“Fight for him,” he repeated. “He lives on with you. Only as long as you do.”

“... What if I die?” you asked quietly.

Eld gave you an understanding look. “Then I’ll take you both with me.”

You weren’t sure exactly what did it, but his words ignited a fire in you. You decided that, like Marco, you would be the soldier everyone needed. The _person_ everyone needed. That was how he would live on within you. The patch felt lighter in your hands.

You died that day. The 57th expedition beyond the walls ended for you in the forest of giant trees. Such was the fate that was assigned to you. That is, until a hand came swinging down on your chest, striking your heart with the last of its strength, only resting once you had stirred.

You lived that day. And you decided that you would live every day striving to be who you needed most. You would live until the very last second.

Taking a long breath, you swept your eyes over your surroundings. “What now?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all so much for the support! idk why but i LOVE getting comments, so any thoughts you have, requests, etc., please don't hesitate to write them down! it makes my day (:


	6. Pride

It took four long days to get back to Karanes District. Eld had found your left hip to be dislocated, and he snapped it back into place for you so you could walk. The scream that left your mouth was only muffled slightly at the cloth clenched between your teeth. You leaned on one another as you began your nearly 200 kilometer journey back to the wall. You traveled at night to avoid interactions with Titans, taking refuge in small patches of trees or abandoned buildings along the way. One did end up spotting you, however, and you were forced to use your broken ODM gear to kill it. Thankfully, Eld was in a bit better shape than you at that point.

You had foraged for rations among the fallen soldiers that peppered the route out of the forest. They ran out on day three and you still had yet to spot a familiar landmark. Things began to take a turn for the worse when Eld’s strength bottomed out.

“I need a break,” he breathed. His arm slipped from around your neck and he dropped into the grass. His panting was more intense than it had been.

You delicately lowered yourself to the ground with your good leg. “Getting weak on me, old man?” you grunted.

He laughed. He threw an arm over his eyes. You two hadn’t talked too much besides the occasional check-in, but you could tell his spirit was starting to break a bit from his condition. You remained silent until he spoke.

“I just want a hot fucking shower,” he stated.

It was your turn to laugh. “Well, you can’t shower if we don’t make it home.”

“Yeah, yeah.” He dismissed you with a flick of his wrist. “I’ll be fine in a minute.”

It was clear to you that he wouldn’t be fine. His cheeks were sallow and flushed from the beginning of a fever. Something had gotten infected, but he wouldn’t allow you to help him tend to his wounds whenever you could clean yourselves in a stream. You sat in the darkness for a long time thinking about your next moves. Surely it would only get worse and you still had a lot of ground to cover. You couldn’t keep a Titan at bay by yourself, but waiting out the daylight might prove deadly for Eld… 

“Alright,” you huffed, and pushed yourself to your feet. “Let’s get going.”

Eld uncovered his eyes and looked up at you. “I think we both know I’m not going anywhere.”

Your heart stuttered. You were shaken for a moment, but then annoyance took over. You leaned down and wrenched his arm upwards, earning a sharp yelp from him. “I said up.” When he didn’t move, you bent at the knees, hip threatening to buckle under the pain, and gripped him beneath the armpits. You struggled under his full weight with your bum leg. “Eld, you’re heavier than you look.”

He chuckled weakly. “Calling me fat?”

A small grin formed on your lips. You anchored his arm over your shoulders. “Fucking hell…” You adjusted him against you and began walking. “Maybe I am.”

Your pace was slower as you supported Eld. He got heavier as his fever worsened, but you knew you couldn’t allow yourself a break. He would never get up. Even as he protested with the rising sun, complaining about Titans, you trudged on.

“We’re going to get you a hot fucking shower, remember?” you panted. He gave you a small groan in response.

You had all but lost hope of finding your way back home before starving to death. Your throat ached for hydration and your limbs felt like snapping under the pressure of Eld’s body slowly weighing on you more each second. On the fourth day, however, the sun shone on that beautiful gray wall. Adrenaline surged through your veins as you spotted Garrison maintenance workers fiddling with the cannons up top.

“Oh, Eld, we made it!” you shrieked. You dragged the large man along with you and began shouting at the men on the wall, though you were sure they couldn’t hear from that distance. You knew you had to reach them before they left. Chewing on your cheek, you let Eld slip down to the ground and broke into a run. Pain spiked through your leg with each step. You didn’t care.

“Hey!” You screamed, waving your arms. You made an absolute spectacle of yourself until you saw the figures atop the wall gather at its edge. Some pointed at you. Some scattered. Relief washed over you at the sight of the gate rising. Garrison soldiers on horseback came racing toward you in a matter of minutes. _I did it,_ you thought. _I made it home_.

Your legs disappeared from beneath you as the survival instincts fled your body. The grass was warmed from the sun. A great place for a nap, really.

. . . 

“Looks like someone’s awake.”

A voice perforated your rest. Eyes fluttering open, you saw a woman seated next to you with neat brown hair. She held a clipboard in her hands.

“Where…” you began, body beginning to stir.

“Take it easy,” she said, smiling softly. “You’ve been through a lot.”

 _Been through a lot_?

At your twisted face, the woman spoke again. “I’m Dr. Barlowe. You’re in Karanes District Hospital. You were outside the wall with the Scouts, do you remember that?”

It sounded vaguely familiar. You nodded.

“Good,” she smiled again. She folded her arms over in her lap. She asked you a series of questions about yourself to work you out of your daze. Slowly but surely, your mind cleared and you remembered everything. 

A slight panic rose in you. “Where’s Eld?” you asked, peering around your curtain to study the other beds. Empty. You looked back to Dr. Barlowe. “The man I came with.”

“He’s being treated by someone else, but I can ask for you,” she offered.

“That would be great, thank you.”

“Of course. Now let’s get you something to eat.”

Your stomach rumbled. It had been a while since you last ate. You nodded fiercely and the doctor laughed. With that, she left the room.

You decided to take a tour of your injuries. You peeled back the thin blanket on top of you and gazed down at your body. Green and yellow splotches dotted your skin, some accompanied by stitched gashes, and gauze wrapped around your right bicep. A brace held your hips together so that the dislocation could properly heal. You wondered how much damage you did to it by running on it at the wall. Your head was fucking killing you, too. Sighing, you waited for a nurse to come with broth, bread, and water. You tore into the meal as he changed some bandages and looked over your stitching.

“Looking good,” he hummed. He started toward the door, but you stopped him.

The bread in your mouth muffled your voice. “Where’s my stuff?”

"It's visiting day." He chuckled and left the room.

“What?” you said aloud, looking around the room to see if someone else told a joke in your stead. Almost instantaneously, you heard a commotion out in the hall. Shoes stomped on the hospital floors and a mishmash of voices came rampaging down the corridor. You only had a moment to be concerned that something horrible had happened before the door to your room was slammed open.

“She’s awake!” a familiar tenor announced gleefully. Something came flying into you, and before you could even begin to process what was happening, you were scooped up off your bed into a pair of long, shapely arms. A nose buried itself in your neck and ragged breaths tickled your skin.

You rocked back and forth as the weight shifted on your bed. More arms came around you, voices cooing and saying your name in relieved tones. You began to sweat under all the bodies.

“Okay,” you grunted, “I’m going to suffocate.” The jungle of humans removed themselves from your immediate presence, but remained sitting and standing around your bed. One stayed, clinging to you for dear life. Jean Kirschtein’s scent wafted into your nose. You flung your arms around him and squeezed him. A few tears dropped to your collarbone.

“I thought I lost you,” he whispered. His hold on you tightened even more. “Never pull that shit again.”

Giggling, you relaxed into him and placed a swift kiss on his jaw. You were sure the others noticed, but the two of you never liked to make a big thing of the intimate side of your relationship. His hands finally lowered from your back. The look he gave you stopped your heart. His eyes were red and puffy, and dark circles had made their way beneath his eyes. His normally glowing skin was dry and lackluster. He looked so sad. You had forgotten that he thought you were dead.

“Okay, enough, lover-boy.” Ymir’s voice cut through your thoughts. You were surprised to see her there, arms crossed, staring at you with her wicked eyes. A sharp grin curled her mouth. “How’d you manage this one?”

“Ymir,” Krista hissed, elbowing her.

“What?”

Everyone shot her a look. _Everyone…_ you thought. You scanned the faces in the room. Jean, Ymir, Krista, Connie, Sasha… everyone from the 104th. Even Mikasa was in the back of the group. No doubt Eren pulled her along, but it still made your heart swell.

The cogs in your mind were still working as you spoke. “You all… came here for me?” you croaked, embarrassed by how pathetic you sounded.

Connie’s jaw dropped. “Are you joking? Of course we did! You came back from the dead!” Instinctually, he socked you on the shoulder, and immediately began apologizing.

You waved him off, laughing. “I can handle your weak punches, Con.” You smiled at the gaggle of recruits around you. “Well, what did I miss?”

Connie and Sasha launched into an explanation of what happened in your absence. As it turns out, Eld was the lone survivor of the Special Operations Squad, apart from its captain. The recruits from the 104th were drafted to take their places. The Scouts knew that there was someone within their ranks that was feeding information to the Female Titan. Thankfully you had been on the opposite end of the formation when she appeared, but there were many more that were not quite so lucky. Sasha updated you on the nature of the mess hall back at headquarters. Reiner and Bertholdt had collected your horse when they found him roaming around on his own. Armin presented you with a bag of your belongings, which he had kept safe the past few days.

“Your gear was shot and your clothes were pretty much ruined, but the Garrison soldiers found a few things. And we brought you some clean stuff to wear,” he said softly.

You thanked him and dug into the bag. Your harness was there, along with the clean clothes. Tucked in the side was a Scout patch. Your face fell as you took the embroidery between your fingers. A few tears slipped from your eyes.

“He saved me,” you said. “I don’t know how, but he brought me back.” Your voice was almost a whisper.

Jean pulled you closer to him and covered the patch with his free hand. The room went quiet. Sasha reached her hand over and placed it on top of Jean’s. She looked at you with a fire in her tawny eyes that you had never seen before.

“Marco was the best of us,” she stated, “and we’ll do everything we can to be like him.”

Everyone stared at her. She was almost never serious. It comforted and scared you at the same time.

Another hand piled on top. “Hell yeah we will!” Connie beamed.

The love you felt as your teammates pledged themselves to Marco’s memory was almost enough to send you into a fit of tears. You were able to hold it together to shower your friends in hugs and kisses on cheeks. 

Mikasa interrupted the celebrations with a flat tone. “We should be getting back. Captain won’t be very happy once he finds out we’re still gone.”

Your brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

Jean looked at you nervously. “Well… we’re really not supposed to be here. Captain Levi sent us out on a peacetime exercise and we came here instead.”

Your mouth dropped open. “You did _what?_ ”

“She’s right,” Reiner interjected, nervously glancing at the clock above the door. “If we leave now we might not get our asses whooped.”

“How long ‘til you’re out of here?” Jean asked.

You shrugged. “I don’t really know. Probably whenever they let me out of this chastity belt.” You gestured to the brace around your waist.

“Well, the commander will send someone to come collect you once you’re healthy,” Armin said. Your friends began to gather themselves near the door. You were sad that they had to leave, but you knew you would see them soon enough. 

“Thank you, everyone.” Your bottom lip stuck out a little. “It really means a lot.”

“Don’t mention it,” Bertholdt replied. “Just get better soon.”

The recruits murmured their goodbyes as they filed out of the room. Jean stayed behind to give you another tight hug and a kiss.

“I love you, ugly,” he said into your hair.

“Love you too, horsey.”

With a quick flash of his teeth, he was gone.

When Dr. Barlowe came to check in on you, she informed you that Eld was still fighting a severe infection in his chest. It was hour-to-hour for him. She also let you know that you would be bed-ridden at the hospital for at least a few weeks while your hip healed enough for you to ride a horse. You were dejected at the thought of being cooped up for so long.

Dr. Barlowe assured you that she would release you back to the Scouts as soon as she could. Over the next few weeks, patients came and went from the shared room, but you remained. One of the nurses brought you some books to keep you occupied. It frustrated you to think of your athleticism wasting away. But then you thought of Marco and the gift he had given you by giving you another chance. If this was the price you had to pay, so be it.

Unfortunately you received no more visitors for the remainder of your stay. A few letters came from Jean, signed by all, and you read them every night. Eld passed away before you got the chance to thank him. It hurt your heart, but you remembered what he said. You had to be strong for Marco, and now you had to be strong for Eld too. 

You were beside yourself with joy when the day came for Dr. Barlowe to discharge you. Brace-free and out of the horrid, scratchy clothes at the hospital, you thanked her all the way out the door.

To your surprise, Captain Miche Zacharius was the one sent to fetch you. You had very little knowledge of him besides his name, so you hoped the ride back wouldn’t be awkward, but you were grateful for the human contact regardless. 

“Captain,” you saluted. It felt wonderful to do that again.

“Welcome back, Wraith,” he nodded.

You tilted your head. “Huh?”

“Wraith. That’s what we’ve been calling you back at HQ.”

You blinked at him.

Captain Miche broke into a chuckle. “‘Cause you’re back from the dead?”

You laughed too. “Okay, well, that’s kinda cool.”

“Kinda?” He shook his head. “You lugged yourself and Eld’s big ass back to the wall without a second thought. Anyone with half a brain would have laid down and died, but looks like you’re too stubborn to do that.” At your uncertain stare, he patted your head. “Don’t be too humble, kid. You’re a badass.”

You stared up at the man with wonder in your eyes. Nobody had ever called you a badass before.

Captain Miche flicked his head over to the left. “Brought you something.”

You followed his motion and found your beautiful boy, Griffon, standing beside another horse. You gasped loudly and ran over to him, throwing your arms around his neck. You hadn’t known him long but you loved him all the same. You planted kisses on his cheeks and smoothed his mane for a few moments.

“Alright, cadet, let’s hit the road,” Captain Miche ordered as he swung himself onto his mare. "You and a couple others are on my squad now."

You were more than happy to oblige.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all made me so happy with your comments that i wrote this all today. i hope you enjoy and stay tuned for some levi action coming soon ((:


	7. Pilgrimage

Ceramic mugs rang out against one another. The race was on.

Candlelight spread across the tavern from a generous amount of chandeliers hanging from the ceiling. Large wooden tables were packed to the brim, patrons spilling over one another at the bar for more drinks, laughter bubbling up all throughout the evening.

You and your teammates sat in a far corner, heads tilted back, Trost’s cheapest ale sliding down your throats. Reiner was first to finish, followed closely by Bertholdt and Jean, and then Eren, and lastly, you and Connie. The rest had opted out of the chugging contest.

With a hearty belch, Reiner slammed his mug down on the table. “Liquor,” he announced, and the table looked at him in awe. “For anyone who dares.” His mischievous eyes grazed each of your faces.

“Easy!” you replied. You couldn’t chug, but you sure could hold your liquor.

All eyes rested upon you. Surely based on size alone, Reiner could out-drink you with ease. Your steadfast confidence inspired a few to join the cause. Those who declined rose from their seats to spectate. Excited whispers flew from lips to ears. Even some nearby bar patrons began to gather. The chandeliers above you seemed to be brighter than before. Your temples pounded with a vengeance, but still you remained. This was the most fun you had in a very long time.

“What are we playing?” Jean asked, a devilish smirk in his features. He sat to your left, and to his left sat Connie, then Eren, then Reiner, and then yourself. Some busboys came and cleared the empty mugs off the table. It was eerily quiet in the back of the tavern.

“Dealer’s choice,” Connie replied smartly. His nose had already started to redden from the first drink.

_Poor kid…_

Reiner thought for a moment. “How about… never have I ever? I feel like we know each other pretty well. We could make this interesting.”

A low murmur of approval came from the still-gathering crowd.

“Okay,” you agreed, “and the rules?”

“Five fingers up. Put a finger down and take a sip when you’ve done that thing. Five fingers down, you’re out, and you finish your drink. Winner gets to pick the next game.” There was a glint in Reiner’s eye that you hadn’t seen before.

“Sounds like there are no real winners,” Eren remarked darkly. “We all get drunk and embarrassed.”

“That’s the plan.” Reiner turned as a waitress lowered a tray of five glasses to the table. Each was filled with a dark amber liquid. Something told you it wasn’t the good stuff. Even so, you pinched your glass in one hand and held the other up, fingers splayed.

Armin leaned over Eren’s shoulder. “Pick a number between one and ten. The closest one can go first.”

You each went around and spoke your numbers. Fortunately, you were second in line behind Reiner. He began the game with a hefty swig of his whiskey, not so much as flinching. His stare bore into Connie first. It was quite unnerving. “Never have I ever stolen from a shop.”

You rolled your eyes at the judging gazes that fell upon the single finger that lowered. You sucked in a mouthful of the drink and immediately regretted your decision. It stung like acid all the way down to your stomach, eventually settling to burn a hole into its lining. “The owner was being a prick to my friend.” You winced at the lingering taste.

“You’re up,” Jean said impatiently. You were interested to see what tricks he had up his sleeve.

You began to feel a tingling sensation between your ears. The whiskey was bad, but it was strong. You placed a thoughtful finger to your lips and pouted. “Oh!” you brightened. “Never have I ever been rejected by a woman.” A boisterous laugh leaped from your chest as each of the men around the table angrily lifted their drinks. You had only tried once, but you succeeded, so that counted. You felt a pang of sadness as you realized that Mikasa, standing on the wall with Armin behind Eren, was not the one to reject Eren. You wondered if Eren was stringing her along or if he was genuinely that oblivious.

“Never have I ever kissed a man,” Jean offered, a bite in his words.

“Lame,” you sighed as you took a sip.

Connie thought for a few minutes. Some members of the crowd began heckling him, so he rushed something out. "Never have I ever had sex with someone else in the room."

Reiner released an echoing laugh. "More like 'never have you ever had sex'."

The group laughed as you and Jean lowered a finger each. At this rate, you were going to be first out. You had to turn the game in a different direction. But how?

Thankfully, Eren had never been swimming, and you hadn't either. There were no lakes near Jinae.

"Never have I ever been eaten by a Titan." Reiner shamelessly targeted Eren. Another finger went down.

You wanted to dig something truly embarrassing up. You looked at the faces before you. They were all men, and they were all pretty dumb, so you were sure that would lead you somewhere. Without fully knowing where you were going to end up, you began, "Never have I ever..." and dragged the word out until you thought of something. "Never have I tried to light my own fart on fire."

To your surprise, Jean does not take a drink. The others do.

The games went on for several hours, the crowd cheering the gauntlet survivors on well into the night. Connie was the first to fall. He ducked beneath the table to relieve the contents of his stomach into an empty mug. Sasha patted his back reassuringly and eventually dragged him out, mug of vomit tossed in the garbage. Then Eren and Jean became increasingly agitated with one another and began to fight about something inconsequential on their own. You and Reiner eventually went shot for shot until he had his head down on the table, groaning about the horrible spinning in his head.

“You’re a witch…” he proclaimed as you dropped your tip on the table without so much as a stagger.

“Goodnight, everyone!” You flashed a grin to your table. Awestruck bar patrons parted the way for you all the way to the door. At one of the front tables, you saw Captains Miche, Nanaba, and Gelgar, as well as a few other Scout leaders you couldn’t identify eyeing you for a few fleeting seconds.

The door to Anabelle’s swung open with a cheerful ring of its little bronze bell. You reveled in your victory as you started down the rough stone path back to Trost’s stables. You had some time before the remainder of the alcohol kicked in, so you were sure you could make it to Griffon with plenty of time before your sense of direction got shaky.

A crisp breeze wound itself around you. The short-sleeved button up and thin black pants that cinched at the ankle you had on were perfect for the stuffy tavern, but past midnight on a late autumn evening proved difficult to withstand in such clothing. _Why would I even leave my room like this?_ you wondered. You scolded yourself vehemently and clutched your arms to your chest. At least the liquor was curbing some of the chill.

You made your way to Trost’s north gate quickly. There were but dying oil lanterns lighting the way. You became painfully aware of how you looked, hunched over, rushing toward your destination in the dead of night, as you heard a pair of flustered footsteps scramble to hide from your sight. They were fast enough to elude the glance over your shoulder, but the hair standing up on the back of your neck told you someone was there. You pitied the poor person who thought they could take advantage of you by stalking you after a trip to the bar.

They were in no particular hurry. You slowed your pace a bit to see if they would get impatient, but they remained at a distance.

You kept on your way to reassure your tail that they remained hidden. However, instead of taking the major route to the gate, you wound around to the west, where a network of alleyways would provide good cover for you to dispose of this person. _Too easy,_ you thought. A few corners turned for good measure, and you came upon a perfect sight: a stack of crates large enough to hide your figure. You quickly dodged behind them and waited for your pursuer to cross in front of you.

As soon as you saw a brown boot poke out in front of the crate, you swept your leg behind their ankle and yanked with all your might. You swiped the two small blades you kept in your pockets and hopped up, knee digging into their sternum. Both hands shot to grasp your right arm and the blade you had there clattered to the ground. Fortunately, the one in your left hand was already pressing up against the supple skin of their throat.

It took a moment for the adrenaline to wear off. You opened your mouth to question the miscreant, but the words died in your throat when you recognized the man cloaked in green beneath you. “Captain!” you gasped, immediately pulling yourself off of him.

Captain Levi dusted himself off quietly and rose to his feet. That familiar hollow, bored expression stared down at you. You buckled under the pressure.

Words began flying from your mouth. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know that was you, please forgive me,” and other sorts of apologies spilled from you. You stopped abruptly as a thought popped into your head. “Wait, why were you following me?”

A snort left his nose. “You’re not too bright after a few drinks, are you?”

You narrowed your eyes at him. The liquor had begun to take effect, which meant you were apt to run your mouth when it would be advisable to do differently. “I’m plenty bright, thank you, Captain,” you said bitterly. You closed the blades and replaced them in your pockets. “I tricked you, didn’t I?”

“No.”

You huffed. “No? Then how did I end up pinning you down?”

The faintest trace of amusement danced in his eyes. There he was, Captain Levi, yet again doused in moonlight. You noticed how each strand of his ebony black hair drifted so smoothly with his movements. How his full bottom lip and thin upper lip came together into a permanent frown. How the lines around his eyes cemented the fact that his thin, razor-sharp eyebrows were almost constantly drawn together. How his icy gray eyes looked at you like you were a pathetic little rabbit and he was the fox intent on having you for dinner. It sent a shudder through you.

Captain Levi ignored your question. “Kirschtein came up to Miche asking if he could walk you home since he was too drunk. Miche was also too drunk.”

You smiled. Jean was a good one. You slowly got to your wobbly feet. “Well, thanks,” you mumbled. You started past him. “But I’ll tell Jean I can handle myself.”

“Clearly.”

You weren’t sure whether that was a compliment or a jest. You decided it didn’t matter. You just wanted to get home and get to sleep before Sasha. You had an early day tomorrow. The captain followed you out of the alleys without another word. You debated whether it was appropriate to say goodbye, or maybe goodnight, or should you say nothing at all? You decided a curt “Goodnight, Captain” would do as you threw together a weak salute and marched off toward the north gate.

“You forgot your jacket, recruit,” Captain Levi’s voice cut through as a mass of wool hit the back of your head. You pulled your rust-colored cardigan over your arms. “And you didn’t trick me. I knew you were on to me when you turned around.”

You threw your head over your shoulder, pouting. “Then why’d you keep going?”

The captain shrugged. "Where did you learn how to handle knives like that?"

The question surprised you. "How do you mean?"

"That trick, it's not common. Where'd you learn it?"

"My father," you replied simply. To your relief, the captain didn't press the issue further.

He turned on his heel and began walking toward the city. Without so much as looking at you, he said, "Pick a better hiding spot if you don't want to get caught next time."

“Next time?” you called. You looked after him a moment, dumbfounded. “What a strange little man.” You shook your head and began your journey back to headquarters. Griffon was extra crabby being up so late, but you rewarded him with his favorite feed--oats and cranberries--upon your arrival.

You got a few hours of sleep before you were upon Griffon’s back once more. You wiped the sleep from your eyes, munching on some field rations, and started out towards home.

You and Jean had decided that you would make the journey together. It would be the first time seeing Marco’s parents since his death, and you wanted to bring them his patch as a gift. You also had your teammates from the 104th write some nice things about him in a letter to them. Since Jean became a huge part of both of your lives, you wanted him with you. You wanted Marco’s parents to know that his life made others’ better. It takes half a day to get there, so the pair of you left before the sun broke over the walls.

You traveled through a number of small villages with relatively little trouble. Jean left your side to go hunt down a quick breakfast at your request. He joined up with you once more about twenty minutes later, carrying tiny apple pies for each of you. You bit into the flaky pastry and hummed with contentment as the spiced apples and caramel coated your tongue. 

Jinae looked just a little more empty as you came upon its sunny hills. Most of the leaves had already been knocked off the trees, and lots of the fields cut short for the winter. It looked as barren as you felt clutching the patch of Mrs. Bodt’s dead son. You ignored the hesitant greetings that some familiar faces threw your way. You pulled your cloak hood over your head and trotted on.

You helped Jean tie up his horse on a fencepost. You heard the front door to the house open, and you braced yourself against the wave of agony that hit you. It was unrelenting as you looked up to meet Mrs. Bodt’s friendly brown eyes. They were sunken into the hollows of her skull. Her simple green dress hung off of her body. You stood frozen in place, wondering if you had made the right choice, wondering if you would even be welcome there. Maybe she blamed you for his death. She wouldn’t be completely wrong; Marco definitely joined the Scouts for you.

You and Jean tensed as Mrs. Bodt crossed the yard. She silently reached her arms around you and brought you against her shoulder. Mr. Bodt had come to the door as well. You remained stiff under Mrs. Bodt’s hold, half certain she would move to snap your neck any second. You jolted as she cried out, her fingers suddenly digging into the back of your jacket.

“My sweet girl,” she sniffled, slowly rocking you back and forth. You began to relax. “They told us you had gone too.”

Your mouth dropped open. You realized that the messengers sent to notify families must have been sent before you returned. They had no reason to send another messenger back to Marco’s family to tell them you were alive. You embraced Mrs. Bodt with everything you had in you. Jean looked on with a solemn adoration. He and Mr. Bodt exchanged introductions, and then the four of you moved inside.

You sat in their front parlor, powdery-colored furniture and delicate ceramic decorations adorning every space available. Mrs. Bodt was an avid collector of all things dainty. You and Jean sat on a couch together while Marco’s parents prepared some tea and snacks. The first order of business was to explain how the news of your death had been a mistake.

Mr. Bodt, an old, plump man that seemed to be collapsing in on himself, listened fondly as you explained how his son had rescued you. Tears were shed by all when you presented Marco’s patch, cleaned up and framed by an artisan in Trost. His parents thanked you until they were out of breath.

Soon, the bitter circumstances that brought you together eroded. Smiles formed as you sorted through memories. Jean captivated the couple as he told of how Marco inspired him to be a better leader. He even choked his way through two cups of tea to please Mrs. Bodt. He hated the stuff with a burning passion.

They offered for you to stay the evening, but you knew you wouldn’t make it back in time if Mrs. Bodt had anything to say about it. Her breakfast spreads took longer to prepare than it did for you to make it back to headquarters. And so, with a few lingering tears, you bid the couple farewell and started off. The two of you decided to stay the night at an inn in Hermina District. You were both in need of the closeness of sleeping together after such an emotionally draining day. Plus, you weren’t needed back on base until 6:00 the next morning.

The stars were just beginning to peek out from the darkness when you made it to the inn. A small establishment on the corner of the main market street, you were pleased to see they had a full lounge area near the bar. You and Jean took two armchairs off to the side and began discussing what you would be having for dinner. The conversation remained tinged with sadness leftover from earlier in the day. Though you no longer spoke about Marco, reminders of him were everywhere.

Your muscles loosened as your spiced ale warmed your body. You craved something to read to take your mind off of your traumatic reality. Unfortunately, all you had was Jean. You looked him up and down. He arched an eyebrow. You opened your mouth to suggest something, but your eyes flickered to the door and you silenced yourself.

Three musty Military Police came in. They took their seats a few tables away from you and began harassing the waitstaff for alcohol. It sure looked like they had plenty already. Annoyed by their presence, you began eavesdropping. Hopefully they would give you something you could start a fight with.

You got much more than what you bargained for.

“When’s the next shipment set to come in?” The tallest of them, a woman with messy blonde hair, stirred her drink with a long fingernail. You grimaced in disgust.

A lanky brunette with a droopy mouth replied. “Tuesday. Hopefully this is enough to get to the smaller villages.”

The woman nodded. “Then it’ll finally trickle in.”

Your brow furrowed.

Jean asked about your face, to which you replied with a wave of your hand. You strained your ears while keeping your eyes steady past Jean’s shoulder.

“... left with me in the morning. Then she gave me the tip. Said she wanted to keep it out of Stohess, though.” The third, a balding man with glasses, leaned back in his chair with his arms crossed. “Those idiots won’t know what hit ‘em.”

“This is gonna make us rich,” the brunette man sighed dreamily. “Wonder why the commander has it out for them…”

“Hush!” the woman hissed, a severe look splayed across her face. “That’s enough for now. Take your payment and shut up.” She reached into the breast pocket of her jacket and dropped two white tablets onto the table. You recognized them immediately.

“Coderoin,” you whispered.

“What?” Jean asked. He had latched onto the discussion as well, but he couldn’t see the table from where he sat.

“Those MPs are moving Coderoin,” you explained. You stared daggers at the backs of their heads as they swallowed the pills. “And they’re planning to spread it to smaller villages around here. They want it to reach somewhere, but I have no idea where. They said something about a commander.”

“Wonder how far up it goes,” Jean remarked, speaking your thoughts.

You nodded. “We should tell Commander Erwin when we get back.” He seemed like the kind of man that would know just what to do.

After listening for a while to see if they said anything else interesting, you and Jean retired to your room for the evening. You pulled off your sweater and cuffed brown pants with a dull ache in your bones. The pain of losing Marco had only begun to lessen. Sometimes it was still too much for you to handle. Dreams with him in them made it so difficult to show up to breakfast and see his spot taken. They were always so vivid. 

Under the inn’s down covers and with the bustling noise below seeping through the floorboards, you slid yourself into Jean’s side. Your head rested over his right shoulder since his heart was too loud for you to sleep on top of. His hand grazed the curves and folds of your side. He cheekily snapped your panties against your hip, earning him a weak slap to the chest. He pressed a kiss to your temple and you fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone! thanks for reading as always! just a few things to note:
> 
> \- i want to make the chapters longer, so they might take a little longer to get out, but i hope to upload at least weekly
> 
> \- this is where things really start to deviate from the canon plotline. most things stay the same in some respects, but some things happen at different times or in different places. i think it gets boring rehashing the same story over and over so i'm going to have a lil fun with it
> 
> \- i love comments, they motivate me so much to keep writing. i usually abandon projects but i really want to see this one through
> 
> \- how do you like the pacing? too short? too fast? not enough description? let me know!


	8. Entropy

You stood in Commander Erwin’s office, feet planted confidently in the plush royal blue carpet, fingers clenched over your heart, as you told him of the conversation you overheard the evening prior. The commander looked pleasantly at you, a well-trained softness to his mouth that made him approachable. It was interesting to you how well-manicured he was. His wheat-blond hair was neatly contained as it swept from his forehead to his nape. The beginnings of light brown stubble peeked out from beneath it. His thick brows were poised with a slight arch to them. Everything about him was crafted to be calming. Even his absolutely monstrous build seemed subdued behind his impressive hand-carved desk.

“This is good information, thank you,” he nodded simply. He laced his fingers together in his lap. The silence was palpable as you snuck a look at Jean out of the corner of your eye. The hand behind his back was shaking. Despite his self-assuredness, Jean was actually quite terrified of authority figures. Commander Erwin’s subtle presence had the opposite effect that it was intended to.

There was something more to the commander. You likened him to a carnivorous plant: beautiful and serene on the outside, unapologetically lethal on the inside. You hoped to see him on the battlefield one day. No doubt he was ruthless.

Commander Erwin drew in a sharp breath and stood. You grinned slightly as your observations proved correct, his towering frame suffocating even from across the room. “Alright, recruits. I appreciate you letting me know. Dismissed.”

Jean let a massive sigh of relief out as soon as you closed the door behind you.

You laughed. “Not so bad, was it?”

He glared down at you. His attempt at a pout was precious. “Just you wait, pipsqueak. One day you’ll get in trouble and you’ll realize the supervising officers are _scary_.”

You began your journey to the mess hall for breakfast. The day was shaping up to be a relentless one. You rattled off your duties at the table, livid with yourself for letting all your chores end up on the same day as your weekly supervision with Hange. They were supposed to be supervising you as you delved more into the world of science, but you ended up supervising them more often than not. Despite the long hours and demanding mentor, it was still an amazing experience. You even had a few chances to flout your botany knowledge.

“Wait, so when are you doing strength training?” Krista asked, her voice little more than a squawk as she peered around Ymir to you.

You swallowed a mouthful of fried potatoes. “Probably lunchtime. I won’t have enough time for a meal today so I’m just going to get a snack after. I’ll have to sneak something later when Hange isn’t looking, too,” you added miserably. When they got going, they forgot you were a human in need of bathroom breaks, let alone food.

Krista twisted her fork around thoughtfully. “Do you think you could help me with my lower body exercises? My form is really bad and Ymir’s is no better.” She shot her partner a judging look.

You nodded. “Yeah, sure.” You turned to Connie. “Ready to perform your duties as a human weight?”

“I don’t know where you’ve been, but I strictly remember telling you that would never happen again.”

The memory of Connie flailing in your arms as you squatted him brought a giggle out of you. “If you would have just sat still it wouldn’t’ve hurt so much.”

He shook his head. “Absolutely not. Never again.”

You excused yourself from the table as soon as you finished. The day flew past as you rushed around base to complete the week’s chores. First up was Griffon. The boy was in need of some love, so you geared up with a hose and brush in hand. You washed him out in the sunshine, did some maintenance on his shoes, and braided his mane. His stall also had to be cleaned while you let him out to dry. He glistened beautifully as he trotted off in the pasture.

You also replenished the feed bins at the stable and brought down hay from the barn attic. Then it was laundry time. You carried baskets of folded uniforms to their respective dorms until lunchtime. Your stomach grumbled, but you pushed past the hunger in favor of Krista’s weightlifting lesson.

The girl’s soft demeanor was reflected in her strength. You set her up with a simple metal bar behind her neck and showed her proper form. Her legs buckled slightly under the weight at first, but she got used to it as she learned to balance her weight on her heels. Ymir joined you shortly after you began. She pretended to do other exercises for a while. You caught her mimicking a pose you were working on with Krista and fought to keep a laugh to yourself.

Other Scouts filed into the weight room after lunch. You finished up working with Krista and, indirectly, Ymir, and did a bodyweight circuit to round off the workout.

Back in your room, you gathered a new set of uniform clothes for the showers. You stopped in your tracks at a pile of bread scraps and an apple on your desk. The note beside it read “Know you didn’t have time for lunch, eat up!” with Sasha’s name scribbled beside a heart. You tossed a piece of bread in your mouth.

 _How much bread was there before you delivered it, Sasha?_ you thought. You relaxed a little bit in the shower stall, the lukewarm water drawing miniscule paths down your shoulders. You massaged your floral soap into your skin. Despite knowing that the overwhelming stench of sweat would ultimately win against the perfumes of roses and lavender and lemon rinds, you still enjoyed feeling fresh with that little bit of luxury.

You fixed your hair into twin braids in the bathroom mirror. You fussed over a pimple that had taken refuge near your brow, but you quickly realized that time was not on your side, and you fled from the barracks to begin your next task.

Captain Miche had assigned you to catalogue the scores for your squad from the last aptitude test. Since you were out of commission due to your hip, you timed everyone. Your job was to determine the net gain or loss in team aptitude. There were different athletic dimensions as well as cooperation scores to interpret, so you knew it would take you a hefty chunk of time.

The captain looked up from his own work as you entered the strategy room in the administrative building. He gave you a short grin from beneath his dirty blond bangs. “Afternoon, Wraith.”

You snorted. “I told you, Captain, nobody actually calls me that.”

“Not to your face, sure. No one calls you ugly either,” he shot back without so much as a pause.

You rolled your eyes and flopped down across the table from him. Though he was your commanding officer, and the Scouts’ second most terrifying soldier, he was very easy to talk to. You exchanged varying levels of small talk throughout the hours. Scouts came and went with messages for the captain. You watched as he regarded each quietly. He was an average-looking man. At least until you watched him fight.

Captain Miche’s swordsmanship was unmatched. From the second he stepped onto the training field, his movements were fluid and purposeful, and he held himself in such a way that made each of your team aware that he could end you in seconds. Each swipe of his blade showed you something new. You felt bad for any humans that had the misfortune of crossing him.

You had gotten through the analysis of half the team when Hange came to collect you. You were grateful that the sun had at least begun to dip in the sky.

They barged into the strategy room with Moblit trailing behind.

“Miche!” they exclaimed. “Just the man I wanted to see.”

You watched with a growing grin as Hange summoned an argument from thin air. You weren’t quite sure what the subject matter was, but it was entertaining nonetheless. Hange kept their composure while Captain Miche’s face reddened. He stood from his chair to face them, a towering wall of a man, and crossed his arms.

“I told you that conversation was over,” he stated.

“Well, look,” Hange explained, gesturing wildly. “All I’m saying is we could--”

“No,” Captain Miche shook his head. “I’m not trading one of my best just so you can deprive her of sleep for your experiments.” He waved a hand toward Moblit, who was still posted at the door. “Just look at poor Berner over there.”

Moblit started blankly at Captain Miche.

“Oh, come on, please?” Hange cooed, batting their lashes up at the captain. “I’ll do your training schedule for--”

He stifled a bitter laugh. “No you won’t.”

They groaned, slouching. They looked toward you bashfully. Your smile faded as you realized you were going to be dragged into the conversation. The perils of being a bystander.

“Well let’s let her decide for herself, shall we?”

Captain Miche inhaled. He slid his eyes over to you and shook his hair from his face. You found yourself admiring his broad shoulders for a second too long.

“Decide what?” you asked. Your attention centered on Hange as they leaned over the table, palms flat against the wood, eyes glittering.

“I’d like you to join my squad full-time!” they announced. “That way we can keep up the experiments without so much… office work.” They gave a poisonous glance to the stack of papers in front of you.

Horror flooded through you. You adored Hange, you really did, but the thought of spending even _more_ time with them made you want to vomit. Thankfully, Captain Miche cut in before they could question the look on your face.

“There isn’t less office work!” He had to stop himself from outright laughing in their face. “You just don’t do it and pretend it doesn’t exist. Besides,” he said, winking at you, “we have a very strict physical therapy routine to stick to. It would be detrimental to her health if we don’t keep it up perfectly.”

 _Oh, Captain, you’re a sneaky one._ Physical therapy had ended for you a few weeks prior, and you were perfectly able to complete it on your own, but that was not information that you were going to offer Hange.

You nodded fervently when they turned to you for confirmation. Only then did they begin to accept defeat. You started gathering your things as Hange grumbled to Moblit.

“Hey, wait.” You pursed your lips and laid your cautious stare on Captain Miche. “You think I’m one of your best?”

The man groaned. “Forget I said anything.”

“What will I tell Connie?”

It was easy to forget the nature of your job with such quick-witted comrades. You were glad that there was still humor to be found in such an unforgiving world. Of course, the danger was still looming, the memory of Marco’s death still lurking in the shadows, waiting to put a sour taste in your mouth. But sometimes it was easier. Easier knowing that even as you laugh, each of you had a sadness within you that attached itself to your ankle and pulled you down, lower, lower into the dark, lower until you couldn’t breathe and it took all your strength just to exist. You were less alone with equally traumatized company.

Hange stopped to ask you to run a message for them after you exited the strategy room.

“I’d like him to read it and send a response,” they noted. They dropped a folded piece of parchment in your hand. “As soon as you can, please!” Before you could agree, they were already halfway down the hall. Moblit followed silently.

You wandered around the second floor of the building until you came upon Captain Levi’s office. You had never been before. You wondered anxiously if he tormented unlucky cadets that interrupted his evening. Hange wouldn’t send you into the mouth of the beast like that, though, right?

With a breath to gather your strength, you knocked firmly.

“Name and business.”

He sounded normal. You hoped that would carry over. You answered and were granted entry.

The office was much like Commander Erwin’s, a large desk back against a row of arched windows, a coffee table toward the front of the room with two matching loveseats. Bookcases lined the side walls. All the furnishings in the room were crafted from the same beautiful dark wood and velvety blue upholstery. The commander’s office was a bit larger and had some end tables with odds and ends as well. The surfaces in Captain Levi’s office were bare, save the brass candle holders and a small ceramic cup at his side.

The captain lifted his hand for the message without taking his eyes off his book. It was a thick green thing with silver lettering along the cover. You couldn’t make out what it said.

Captain Levi read the message in silence. You watched him intently. He was inherently still, something that could not be said for most people, and he had an oppressive air about him that wasted no time getting under your skin. You were completely tense as you waited. Something about him unsettled you.

His mouth drew into a disgusted frown. He penned his response below Hange’s note and took great care to fold it along its original seams. When he offered the message back to you, he looked directly through you, and his presence swallowed you whole. Your breath caught in your throat. You gently retracted your hand with the note, all the while locked into place by the captain. 

Were you afraid? Ashamed? Merely uncomfortable? The feeling that overwhelmed you was completely unfamiliar, but it made a home inside you, grasping at every fiber of your being with an awesome power that made you want to tear your hair out. It struck you like lightning. You wanted to bolt from that place and hide from it no matter the cost. Though, at the same time, your life depended on it. You felt… visible.

That’s what it was. The man in front of you _saw_ you. It shook the foundation you had grown on, hiding in plain sight. You knew plenty of people, and had many you loved, but did they really see you? Know you? No, they did not. But those steel eyes missed nothing. You felt like a pane of glass, and they saw right through you, understood you entirely.

The sensation elicited an imperceptible shudder from you. Nothing more.

You waited with the feeling that Captain Levi was holding you captive for a reason. He started to return to his work, but then he focused on you once more, examining you quietly.

“You brought Eld back.”

You nodded. “Yes, sir.”

He let a moment pass. You were unsure of his thoughts as he sat, hands clasped under his chin, and regarded you in his all-seeing manner.

“Thank you,” he began, “for doing as much as you did. The Scouts are better off having more soldiers that prioritize preserving life over bringing death.”

You bowed in thanks. “I was only paying it forward, sir.” You owed as much to Marco to try to save a life.

Captain Levi seemed to accept that as sufficient. He began rummaging around in a drawer. You opened your mouth to request dismissal, but his words came first.

“I bet he was fucking annoying about his injuries all the way until the end.”

Unable to contain the laugh that sputtered from your mouth, you quickly morphed it into a cough. One thin brow drew up on the captain’s face. Again, he remained still and thoughtful. You were convinced that painful silence would be the death of you.

“Stubborn bastard,” he muttered. He brought out a small aluminum can from the top drawer of his desk. It was decorated with red and white paper in beautiful swirling patterns. The captain continued, “Wraith, was it?”

Your brows knitted together. “Sir?”

“That name Miche made up.”

You perked up on hearing that. Maybe Captain Miche had taken more notice of you than you thought. “Yes, sir, some of the others have been calling me that.”

Captain Levi poured loose leaf tea from the canister into a small woven sack. Its earthy, warm aroma pleased you, and you suddenly longed for a cabin in the snow, though that was a fantasy you had yet to live out. That far south, the only snow you saw came and went within a few days. You wanted to make it to the mountains eventually.

“You’d do well to honor that name. Scare the shit out of the living so they don’t become dead.”

You tilted your head to the side. The words ran through your mind once, twice. You couldn’t make sense of them. “Captain?” you asked tentatively.

“Dismissed,” he said simply.

Your feet carried your body out toward the woods to get to the experimentation site with Hange, though your mind was still in that office. _He is so… weird. He’s going to start speaking in riddles soon._

Hange was easily able to lift the funk of Captain Levi’s presence. Upon your arrival, they snatched the paper from your hand, scrambled to unravel it, and began howling with laughter. They were doubled over for a good time, during which Moblit offered a tired “Section Commander, you’re too much.”

You started to like Moblit.

Hange’s infectious laughter cleared your mind and set a smile on your face. You listened intently to their incessant jabbering all the way to a particular clearing that they had been using to conduct experiments on Eren. It was far enough from base that he wouldn’t be able to terrorize it if things got out of hand. The messy-haired Titan shifter shivered in the clearing.

“Okay, Eren!” Hange announced. Pen in hand, they tore open their journal without looking away from him. “Let ‘er rip!”

A few flashes of yellow-and-red lightning later and Eren was dizzy from the transformations. You and Moblit huddled closely for warmth and looked on as Hange interacted with Eren. It was like witnessing a murder. So, so concerning, and yet you couldn’t bring yourself to look away.

Eventually, you went to the young man’s rescue, dragging him away with an arm around his shoulders to protect him from Hange’s grasp. Moblit moved in to subdue the monster while you ushered Eren back to base.

“You’re a blessing,” Eren confessed. The trees began to part as you stepped out onto a packed earth road nestled in between tall grasses that tickled your legs.

“Don’t worry about it,” you replied with a wave of your hand. You periodically checked over your shoulder to make sure Hange hadn’t gotten loose. Nothing stood between them and the pursuit of knowledge.

Eren was fidgety the duration of the walk home. Normally something like that wouldn’t bother you, but something about him was annoying to you. _Maybe I’m just over sensitive today,_ you thought with a sigh.

“You okay?” the lean brunette asked. His oceanic eyes were wide and honest. Further evidence your first impressions were deluded.

You stretched your arms high above your head. “Yeah,” you yawned, “just had a long day.”

He nodded, but remained quiet.

You were halfway out of your pants when a knock came at your bedroom door. Compromised, you looked to Sasha with pleading eyes. She cracked the door open after you waddled to safety behind your bed.

“Hello?” she said through a mouthful of something.

“Commander Erwin requests your immediate presence.” The soldier at the door then asked after you.

“Oh, she’s, uh…” Sasha peered over her shoulder. You could see the lump of food she swallowed disappear down her throat. She turned back to the woman in front of her. “She’s naked. I’ll tell her.”

You shut your eyes as a wave of irritation threatened to engulf you. You heard the rustle of clothing as the soldier saluted and walked away.

Sasha kicked the door closed with her foot. “Commander Erwin said--”

“Yeah, I know,” you grunted. You pulled your tight pants on once more, longingly staring at the oversized sleepwear hanging off the back of your desk chair. You assembled your harness while Sasha shoved your feet into your boots. You pushed the fog of teased sleep away as you two picked it up to a jog to the commander’s office.

When you arrived, there was an abundance of Scouts in the room. You came to realize that the only ones there besides a few members of the 104th Cadet Corps were the commander and some squad leaders. Captain Miche nodded at you when you made eye contact with him across the room. You were ashamed at the little flutter in your stomach.

Commander Erwin cleared his throat. The disorganized muddle of exhausted soldiers quickly disbanded, replaced by a group of vibrant recruits at one end of the room and a small line of astringent commanding officers at the other. You spotted wrinkles in the jacket cuffs of Ymir, who stood off to your left. You raised your chin slightly and barely moved your lips as you spoke. 

“Ymir.”

It was just the faintest of breaths, but you noticed her shift slightly.

“Pinky finger,” you instructed.

Commander Erwin initiated the meeting with a short apology for the hour you were called in. You watched Ymir’s pinky finger wiggle in the hand behind her back. Before the commander continued, you whispered, “Wrinkles.”

Slowly, her head bobbed twice. 

“We know who the Female Titan is.”

Commander Erwin’s voice flooded the silent room. It had been quite some time since the last expedition. You and a few others thought the trail must have gone cold.

“Annie Leonhart.” The name caused a frown to appear on your face. “We have a plan to capture her in Stohess District,” the commander continued, “that will take place in two days. We will request that the Military Police escort our brigade as it travels through to the capital.” He moved his gaze to Eren. “Then Jaeger, Arlert, and Ackerman will ask her help in getting him out of the city. We will subdue her so she cannot transform.”

The idea took some time to settle. Annie was always by herself and didn’t make any effort to get to know anyone, but she was nice enough if she had to talk to you. Clearly the other recruits who trained by her side had similar thoughts.

Captain Miche took the commander’s place in the middle of their row. “Connie, Wraith,” he began, “we’re the backup. We’ll be following the others at a safe distance, preferably on the rooftops. Should anything go wrong before we get her on her own, it’s our responsibility to clean up.”

You nodded tersely.

Hange and Captain Levi took turns addressing those on their squads. You took the time to make a mental note of who wasn’t there. _Reiner, Bertholdt, and… Jean?_ Your heart jumped slightly. Did they think he was a spy for the Female Titan? You immediately blocked the thought from your mind. Losing him was the last thing you needed.

“And not a word of this leaves this room. Understood?” Commander Erwin glowered at the recruits with a steady face.

“Yes, sir!” the group announced, saluting.

“Dismissed.”

Preparing for Stohess was a daunting task in and of itself. You were running from building to building hauling everything from crates of rations to gas canisters to horse tack. The worst part was that you had to make it seem like business as usual so as not to alert the other soldiers. No, the worst part was lying to Jean. Even if he had no reason to ask, you were still privy to information about him that he was not. You struggled to pacify the nagging feeling at the back of your skull, biting into you, leaking ruin into your mind.

 _Good people do not keep things from their friends,_ it said.

You winced at the pressure between your ears.

_You promised Marco you would be a good person._

His sweet face appeared before you, on the rooftops of Stohess, skin ever so slightly olive under the midday sun, mooning smile putting you at ease. It was so for a short moment. Until a blonde-haired woman in the same evergreen cloak you wore shook you from your daze. She pushed her thin silver glasses up her nose as she repeated Captain Miche’s orders to advance to the third post.

There were five posts along your route. At post four, you would have Annie cornered at the entrance to the underground tunnels. The ground team would subdue her, and then your squad would fan out to ensure her conspirators weren’t close behind.

You deftly hopped from rooftop to rooftop. Red shingles clicked together beneath your feet. You rested at your mark, a white steeple atop a small church, and spotted the captain crouched behind a chimney on a nearby house. Though the way his face pulled together in its resting state could be easily confused for anger, he was always calm. And the smiles that broke his puckered frown more than made up for it.

Everything changed in the blink of an eye. You were hurtling back toward Captain Miche before you could fully comprehend that the Female Titan had appeared in the city. Your quick trigger fingers saved you from a piece of debris that crushed the steeple. You felt a stillness root you to the present, and from then on, your actions were simple.

You moved swiftly with your team to pick up after the rampage. Your orders were to not directly engage with the Female Titan unless completely necessary. Eren would transform and take her on again. She would kill anyone that got in her way. You kept a close eye on her as Mikasa distracted her, allowing you time to move in and clear the ground of any issues.

You bore witness to Captain Levi’s skill while he stalled for Eren. He moved so freely despite his anchors that it seemed almost magical. He sliced up and down the Female Titan’s legs to hinder her agility. You imagined he had barely broken a sweat. 

Finally, another spark sent bricks flying as Eren spawned his Titan body. The two dueled across the district for nearly an hour, leaving a horrifying trail of carnage in their wake. Your heart dropped out of your chest at the sight of two tiny arms sticking out from beneath a pile of rubble. Was it all really worth it?

Annie was defeated shortly after Eren released a sickening roar throughout the district. You felt yourself begin to crumble as the last of your adrenaline evaporated. You sought refuge on the front steps of a house that no longer existed. There was no blood as far as you could tell. Hopefully no one was home.

And just as the crushing weight of the reality before you sank in, you discovered a curious gray cat sniffing at your boot. You froze. You took in slow, shallow breaths and absorbed its beauty. The barn cats at Marco’s were always too skittish for you to pet, so this was as close as you had ever gotten.

You held your fingers out on the opposite side of yourself as the cat. It tensed, tail flicking, and observed. It decided that your hand was not an enemy. It happily rubbed its face on you.

You fell in love instantly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone!! this is my favorite chapter so far, and i hope you all think so too!
> 
> as always, thank you so much for reading and thank you EVEN MORE for commenting. it seriously makes my entire day (^,:


	9. Mask

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...
> 
> cw - descriptions of self harm and trauma
> 
> ...

Your room was dead silent as upwards of twenty pairs of eyes sat glued to a small gray civet on the floor. Hours past midnight, only a single candle lit the space in the middle of the room. Krista guarded the flame intensely. Not a single soul dared take a breath, lest it disturb the object of your affections. The two dozen or so bodies that were piled in circles collectively leaned forward in awe as the small creature rolled on its back. A small gasp permeated the silence.

_I should start charging people._

The small feline that you befriended in Stohess District kept your heart with her when you left. Thinking about her during the time you were apart was agony. All you did was worry. You rode back the next day off you had and canvassed the neighborhood in search of her owner. To your dismay, there were many street cats in that part of the city, and the residents there didn’t quite keep up with them even before the Titan brawl.

You anxiously hunted every back alley, dumpster, and toppled building you could find. When the sun began to set, you lost hope. She had most definitely gone somewhere safer. There were barely any others roaming around, either. You lugged your heavy, disappointed body back toward the gate. You knew it was a long shot when you first set out for Stohess, and you made sure to have Ymir tell you how completely pointless your mission was before you left to ensure you wouldn’t get your hopes up, and there you were, crestfallen. Something about her just stuck with you. You had always been fond of animals, but she was perfectly delightful.

The storm cleared from your head when you heard a small _bwrr?_ at your feet. You stopped in your tracks and stared down at the curious little face blinking up at you. Her tail pleasantly flicked back and forth while she rubbed her flank across your ankles.

You took in a sharp breath. You squatted down--too quickly, the cat was startled and darted behind a large terra cotta pot--and dug in the bag on your hip for the dried fish you bought for her. Salmon was less common, as a northern mountain fish is within the walls, so you hoped she would appreciate your expensive gesture.

She poked a gray ear and green eye out from behind the pot. The scent of the cured seafood quickly took over her senses and she trotted over to you. She gently nipped the treat from your hand.

“Hi there,” you cooed. You held your palm near the ground for her to sniff when she was finished. Just like last time, she hesitated, sniffed, and then brushed her cheeks on your hand. Your heart was full in that moment as you took in the sight of such a beautiful life in your hideous world. It was easy to give in to the part of you that was so completely exhausted it would rather have withered away and rotted in the forest alongside Marco. It was easy to take the beautiful golden fountain pen with engraved walnut grips that sat on your desk, unused, and drag it along the skin of your inner thigh, tracing the artery, and strained every muscle in your body as morbid thoughts plagued you many sleepless nights.

How tragic it would be. To ruin the lives of those around you with the very thing she used to ruin yours. The thoughts disgusted you. You thought yourself pathetic for wanting to give in. Many horrible things had occurred during your lifetime, and while you were certain that bleeding out in your cot would put an end to the suffering that followed you wherever you went, the thought of leaving everyone behind hurt you more. Your teammates and captain had come to depend on you, your strength, and your quick wit.

 _A good person doesn’t abandon their friends,_ you thought bitterly.

You brought yourself back to the present moment and decided to kick everyone out. You strong-armed the protesting crowd out into the hall, locked the door behind you, and wrapped yourself in the thin blankets on your cot. You curled up as tightly as you could with your bare forehead pressed up against the stone-and-mortar walls. The cold helped the headaches. You were assured by several doctors that they would likely last a lifetime due to the amount of head trauma you had received throughout your life. That was a distant worry, though; you were sure to die by the teeth of a Titan long before they became unmanageable.

The weight shifted on your cot. You did not move.

“Want a bun?” Sasha offered. A hand appeared in your vision, grasping a steamed bun.

You debated a moment. “What’s in it?” you asked quietly.

She chewed the bite in her mouth and swept it into the side of her cheek. “Goat and onions.”

You whipped your head over your shoulder, narrowed eyes peeking out from a shroud of fleece. “Where did you get that?”

Sasha swallowed. “Are you going to keep asking questions or are you going to take it?”

You wiggled an arm free and snatched it from her hand. _Still warm,_ you thought with a racing heart. You never got to eat meat anymore. You plunged your teeth through the slick, soft dough and into the lavish medley sealed inside. It was so savory, so unlike anything you had eaten in so very long, that it would have brought tears to your eyes if you had the capacity to cry.

“Thanks,” you muttered through your next bite.

“Yeah,” Sasha replied. She was silent for a moment before continuing. “I think there are both onions and shallots in this.” Another pause. “Yeah, and the meat was smoked.” You could hear the obscene blush in her voice. “It’s the greatest thing I’ve eaten here.”

The dark, looming weight that pinned you to your cot lessened as she spoke. An unassuming bystander might have mistaken Sasha’s babbling as a lack of emotional communication skills, but it was the exact opposite. She was exceptionally perceptive, and she doubtlessly heard you some nights you spent thrashing about, and so she decided to comfort you. Food was easy. Loving. And most importantly, she could talk about it for as long as you needed her to in order for you to lighten up.

Make no mistake, however, as Sasha would not employ this strategy with everyone. Nor would she go to such lengths to comfort everyone. But you had a type of wordless understanding, similar to the relationship you shared with Ymir. Paired with her innate ability to read people, Sasha had you figured out, along with what you needed to feel better.

_She’s a witch._

“I can’t sleep either. Sometimes when you go to see Jean and kick Connie out, he comes here with Eren and Armin. We have to be careful that Mikasa’s not out, too, though,” she conceded. “She’d be so mad if she knew they were here without her.”

You pursed your lips. You thought back to that twitchy, lanky guy and found yourself irritated anew. You rolled over and saw the very tip of Sasha’s nose and lashes illuminated by the candle on the desk at the foot of your bed. She turned to you with her simple, kind eyes.

“What’s their deal?” you inquired tentatively, tearing another mouthful of your bun off.

Sasha twisted to face you with her back propped up against your bedframe. Her messy vermilion hair had already grown past her shoulders since the last time you checked. She heaved a hearty sigh. “She’s obsessed with him and we’re pretty sure he has no idea.”

“Why obsessed? Didn’t they live together or something?”

“Yeah, they did, I think she’s an orphan.” Sasha screwed her face up as she thought. “I don’t know. I feel like he views her as a mother and she views him as a love interest. But they don’t acknowledge that difference.”

You chewed analytically. “It makes me irrationally angry. I don’t know why.” You shook the thought off and turned your focus back on your roommate. “Any other trivial matters that need my urgent attention?”

Something wicked flashed in Sasha’s eyes. “Apparently my captain is super depressed because he had a thing for that one girl that died on his squad. The redhead. He’s been so naggy with us since we got back from Stohess and I heard someone say it’s because the grief is finally settling in. Like it needed time to cook or something.”

You arched an eyebrow.

Sasha shrugged. “Either way, he was _you know_ ,” she said with a wiggle of her brows. “With a subordinate. Crazy, huh? As a subordinate of his, there is nothing I would like to do less than sleep with him. Insane.” She shook her head.

“That is weird,” you agreed. “He’s so tightly-wound I figured he wouldn’t go for that sort of thing.” You vaguely remembered the redheaded woman that helped you at Trost. She obviously knew something about the captain that the rest of you didn’t.

You gossipped for another hour or so before you decided to get some rest. Your feline partner continued to bat around a ball underneath the frame of your cot. Her name was Viper because of her tendency to gnaw on your arm while you played with her. Her fangs were impressive for a cat of her size, too. You had crafted a makeshift litter box for her out of an old crate and some pine pellets you got from a sawmill on your way back from Stohess.

She woke you the next morning by jumping on your head. Despite your grumbling, it was a much more pleasant way to wake up than by Sasha stumbling around in the dark trying to put her pants on. You quickly dressed yourself before the sun could climb above the walls and slung the winter’s fleece-lined cloak over your shoulders. You deposited Viper in your hood and shoved a fistful of the dried meat you haggled the kitchen staff for into a pouch on your hip. They agreed to supply you with suitable food for her as long as you would bring her down at least once a week. It was a fair deal.

You quietly snuck outside with the purring entity balled up on your back. You avoided the patrols walking around the barracks, cursing Eren for bringing such popularity to the place that Commander Erwin assigned new guard posts. You worked quickly to get to the small pond where you let Viper roam during the day. There was enough cover that she could hide if necessary, and you could only barely see your breath. You hid her food for the day around the area, gave her a small kiss on the top of her head, and started for the training grounds. She followed you with her eyes until you disappeared around a corner.

The captains were scheduled to take their squads out for a sunrise ride. In the mess hall the night prior, Commander Erwin explained that the Scouts had a tradition of doing so every solstice and equinox. It was a ritual passed down from the first Scouts over a hundred years ago. At the very least, it would allow for some much-needed peace of mind.

Connie did not accept this explanation.

“I could get peace of mind in bed,” he whined atop his honey-colored gelding. Your squad was at a walk behind Hange’s. Moblit, bringing up the rear, offered you a wave over his shoulder. You returned it with a smile.

“How are you always so damn happy?” Connie grumbled. His amber eyes were sagging and surrounded by dark circles. “Even at the ass crack of dawn, you’re smiling. It’s disgusting.”

You had no choice but to laugh. Though it did make you happy that you had at least fooled one person.

In your formation, you and Connie rode behind Captain Miche, and then two Scouts named Leah and Jonas rode alongside Bertholdt behind you, and then Nina lagged behind with another Scout whose name you still couldn’t remember. You chastised yourself for that--someone needed to know him. You would ask him soon.

You walked silently, watching the sky for the first sign of dawn, eager for the deep midnight to catch fire. You absently massaged Griffon’s shoulders and neck and scratched his favorite spot, right beneath the saddle pad. He leaned into your touch every so often.

Griffon’s gait was threatening to lull you back to sleep when the formation came to a halt. You strained to see Commander Erwin’s lily white horse trot ahead of the group and turn in a wide circle.

“This better be good,” Connie muttered.

You gave him a reassuring grin. “I think it will be.”

Your attention shifted back to the commander as he raised a blade to the heavens.

His voice rumbled through the air like thunder. “Today marks the winter solstice. The days have been short and cold and dark for long enough. We celebrate the light that will grace us in the coming months by joining the sun as it rises.”

 _Huh,_ you thought. The commander had never struck you as a spiritual man.

“Take the light you find today and let it within you as we deliver humanity from the darkness!”

You jolted as the soldiers around you raised their fists and shouted in response to Commander Erwin’s words. You tentatively joined in, but quickly retracted your hands to your reins as the horses around you took off at a canter. Captain Miche split off from your formation alongside the other captains, who created a bubble around the Scouts in case any Titans came close. You found yourself searching the distance for the black horse that Captain Levi rode. Your eyes rested on his glossy black hair swept back by the wind, pointed chin tilted to the sky. The white cravat at his neck fluttered against the confines of his cloak. You wondered what he was looking at.

You kept silent watch over the sunrise over the next hour or so. Nothing in particular came to mind. Nothing really came to mind at all. It frustrated you when you felt so stifled, like you had to sneeze but you couldn’t let it out, except you weren’t able to communicate with yourself. No matter how hard you tried to think of something, anything, your head came up blank.

It was all you could do to keep a frown off your face the remainder of the trip. You pretended not to notice Connie grabbing for your attention every so often. The sun eventually climbed above the walls and Commander Erwin led the formation in return to headquarters. The Scouts slowed to a trot, signaling the captains to return to their squads. Captain Miche took his place in front of you and Connie. You realized at that pace you would have to acknowledge Connie eventually, so you steeled yourself against your foul mood to face him.

“Did you have any spiritual awakenings?” you asked with a mocking sneer. The captain shot you a look over your shoulder and you grimaced.

Connie snickered. “Just thought about my mom. I haven’t seen her in such a long time.” A longing sadness passed through his eyes for a moment, but he smothered it as he looked back to you. “What about you, huh? Come up with the cure for Titans?”

You rolled your eyes. “I don’t think it’s a disease, Connie.”

“Well, what is it then?”

You shrugged. “How am I supposed to know?”

“You don’t think it’s a disease, so you _must_ have some other information that I don’t?” He crossed his arms in triumph.

“Yeah, common sense,” you retorted. “How come the Scouts that come back from expeditions, also known as _us_ , don’t get infected by the Titan disease and turn into them?”

Connie’s smirk fell. He turned his attention forward once more. “Whatever.”

You snorted a laugh, shaking your head. The journey home was relatively uneventful, and you split off after being dismissed to ride with Griffon to avoid the lines at the stable. You waved to your friends as you departed. Guilt stung at your heart at Jean’s adoring smile. You still couldn’t bring yourself to be alone with him, knowing that the commander thought he was working with the Titans.

You peeled off into the trees behind the administrative building, a narrow trail winding upwards as the land swelled. You gazed absently ahead. Griffon began whipping his tail back and forth in annoyance. Even his ears began twitching. You laughed as you reached into the bag on your hip and pulled out half an apple for him. He snatched it from you without hesitation.

You patted his shoulder. “You’re not so bad, old man.”

A twig snapped behind you. You twisted to see Captain Miche following you on foot. His slightly labored breath turned white in the cold. “Commander asked for you.”

Your shoulders slumped. “I can’t do another secret mission,” you whined, producing sobbing noises in protest.

He laughed. He moved to grab Griffon’s reins beneath his chin, but the stubborn gelding chomped at the air beside his hand. The captain’s eyes narrowed even further as he eyed the horse. “You’re a fresh one, aren’t you?”

You began to turn Griffon on the narrow path. “He barely likes me.”

Your horse breathed harshly from his nose.

You gestured toward him, brows raised at Captain Miche. “See?”

“I do,” he allowed. He fell into step beside you, his head just barely tall enough to graze your elbow. He glanced up at you with amusement in his expression.

“What?” you asked warily.

“How’s the weather up there?”

You looked forward once more. He wasn’t going to get you to acknowledge that. He chuckled to himself and walked with you back to the stables.

“Alright, I’ll take care of him,” Captain Miche said as you slid from Griffon’s back.

You arched an eyebrow. “Did you not see what happened when you tried to touch him earlier? How do you think you’re going to get near him with a brush?”

The captain leveled with Griffon in an intense staring contest. He nodded once at the horse. “We’ll be alright. Get going, kid.”

Bewildered, you made your way back to Commander Erwin’s office. You pulled your hood down as you knocked on his door and stated your name.

“Ah, come in.”

You pushed the door open and gave a salute to those inside. Commander Erwin was leaned against the front of his desk, Captain Levi had an arm draped over the back of the loveseat to your right, and Jean and Reiner sat opposite him with ramrod straight spines. You could only imagine how Jean was feeling.

Then it hit you. 

Jean and Reiner were left out of the Stohess raid plan. You were very friendly with Jean, and had definitely had your fair share of conversations with Reiner. What if they thought you were in on it too? What if you were going to be arrested for treason? No, Captain Miche would have warned you. Unless he thought you were a traitor too, and--

“Sit,” the commander said. You couldn’t read his face. 

You shut the door and opted to squish yourself between the two men on the left. Jean was radiating heat from all his nervousness. Reiner was very comfortable to sit next to.

Your heart crashed against your ribs while you waited for the commander to begin speaking. Instead, it was Captain Levi.

“Miche already knows,” he began, and you snapped your eyes over to him. He pinched a small white teacup in one hand, the other lazily thrown over the back of the couch. You averted your stare to the bookshelf over his shoulder when he looked directly at you. “Thanks to your tip, we’re going to follow up on some leads in Stohess about the Coderoin shipments. We have a feeling those pigs know more about the traitor than they let on.”

Your head began spinning. An undercover operation required a lot of trust, so you could gather that Jean and Reiner were in the clear. That would also explain why you were there, and why Bertholdt wasn’t. They must have found something linking him to Annie.

“You three, along with Captains Levi and Miche, will be staying in a place on the bad side of town and tracking down local dealers.” Commander Erwin pushed off of the desk and clasped his hands together behind his back. “Once you find them and establish a good relationship, you will report to one of your captains. You will support them until the investigation is complete.”

You, Jean, and Reiner remained silent. Scouts were supposed to fight Titans, not the Military Police. You were far out of your depth as a team to smoke out and extort Coderoin dealers.

“We leave first thing in the morning,” Captain Levi stated. His dull glare didn’t falter once as he sipped his tea. “Meet at the stables with plain clothes for at least a few weeks. And don’t tell anyone.”

Commander Erwin’s eyes softened a tiny bit. “No doubt, you have some questions. Ask away.”

You kept your mouth shut. If there was one thing you didn’t want to do, it was question the commander of the Scout Regiment. It was clear the men on either side of you had the same thought.

“Don’t be stupid,” Captain Levi said flatly. “You’ve obviously never been undercover before. Going undercover isn’t even a part of your job description. So what the hell are you doing going to Stohess instead of outside the walls?”

There it was again, that feeling that imparted itself upon you in Captain Levi’s presence. It was less suffocating with others in the room to balance it out, but it was still intense. It still made you nervous to look anywhere near him.

Thankfully, Reiner came to your rescue. “Yeah,” he said, nodding slowly. “That about sums it up.” His voice rumbled against your arm.

The commander chuckled. He thanked Reiner for his candor and began explaining the operation in full detail. Captain Miche slipped into the room after a time and sat next to Captain Levi. He gave him a hearty sniff.

“Orange ceylon?”

“Mm.”

The small interaction piqued your interest. You had never seen those two engage with one another, but it seemed as though they had a precedent for this pattern of communication. You made a mental note of it and gave the commander your attention once more. Slowly, you realized your fate. To be in very close quarters with every man in the room except for Commander Erwin for weeks on end. You weren’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

After dismissal, you walked with Jean and Reiner in silence until you exited the building. Flurries blew gently in the wind.

“Okay, what the fuck?” Jean said, exasperated.

“I’m at a loss,” Reiner said. He planted his hands on his hips. “All of this is so much… more than what I expected.”

You nodded. You put an arm around each man’s waist and began leading them toward the barracks. “At least you guys get to look at me all day every day.”

The pair laughed. Reiner went to his own dorm to collect his things. Jean followed you to yours. Thankfully, Sasha wasn’t there, so once you closed the door, you could talk freely.

He slumped down on your bed. “This is crazy. I mean, don’t get me wrong,” he said quickly, “I’m ecstatic we don’t have to fight Titans or anything like that. But why us?”

You shrugged helplessly. “Maybe because we got the tip? But then why Reiner?” You sat at your desk and steadied your chin on your hand. You looked at Jean. “At least we’ll be there together. I think if I had to go without you I’d actually kill myself.”

He shouted a laugh abruptly, taken aback by your dryness. “Yeah, that’s true. And we don’t have to put on these dumb harnesses every morning.” He snapped a strap on his thigh.

You giggled. “I hadn’t even thought of that. I don’t know how many clothes I have,” you hummed pensively, eyes darting over to your wardrobe.

“Don’t worry, you can borrow mine in the mornings.”

That one had you rolling. You clutched your stomach and clapped a hand over your mouth to keep from drawing attention to your room. “Somehow I don’t think that will be happening.” You shook your head, still grinning, and got up to gather your belongings. You hung up your jacket and stuck your boots on the bottom before carefully undoing and hanging your harness to keep it from tangling in your absence. You shrugged off the charcoal button-up you wore underneath, leaving only a red tank top in its place. The shirt went into your laundry basket.

“Giving me a show?” Jean asked dreamily, looking you up and down with a smirk on his face.

You picked up a shoe and tossed it at his head. He dodged it easily.

“Wait, I actually need that,” you said, extending your arm toward him. He stole it from your reach. He stood so he towered above you, especially without your boots, and dangled the brown shoe above you.

You shot daggers at him. “What do you want, Jean?”

He smiled at you and dropped the shoe into your hands. “I would never coerce a lady. But, now that I have your attention, I thought you should know a few things.” He stepped closer to you. Your stomach lurched.

“Oh?” you said boredly. 

“Yes.” Jean reached behind your head and gently pulled your hair free from its ponytail. “Well, we won’t be able to have fun for a while.” He bent down and raked his fingers through your hair, grabbing hold of your scalp. His warm breath kissed your neck as he whispered, “And I know you like this.”

A sultry laugh bubbled up from your chest. You placed your hands on his shoulders and pressed into him. You could feel the pressure beneath his belt. “I suppose you have a few good points.”

Jean kissed you without another word. He briskly squatted, gripping you behind your legs, and plucked you from the floor. You threw your arms around his neck and squeezed him between your legs, reveling in the feeling of his fingers digging into your inner thighs. He brought you down on the cot on top of him. You immediately slipped his belt off and yanked his shirt free of his pants.

His harness was too much of a hassle to get off, so he was left with his pants half-down and his shirt unbuttoned and wrinkled. You, on the other hand, he wouldn’t let off so easily. He ensured that not one inch of your skin was covered before he allowed you to straddle him, lips continuously meeting, his hands clutching your hips so hard you were sure you would bruise. A delightful heat rose up in your clit each time your skin connected with his. The slick noises were like music to your ears.

You broke the kiss and buried your face in his neck to moan. You bit his shoulder as his pace quickened, nails in his hair, and enjoyed the warmth that hit you in short bursts. He held you above him a few seconds and you pushed yourself up to watch his strained face as he came. A long grunt escaped him. You smiled.

You hopped off the cot and pulled a small wash rag from your wardrobe. You tossed it to Jean. You resumed packing your things while Jean admired your backside. Even you had to admit it was pretty nice.

You dressed in fleece-lined gray cotton pants and an old blue sweatshirt that belonged to Marco. It still smelled like him. You would travel in that in the morning as well, since you were going to a less favorable side of Stohess. You had his comfort with you at least until you arrived.

Jean put himself back together and assisted you in folding everything into your bags. He had become proficient in the way you liked things over the years; he was one of the only people you let help with tidying. Your bag was less than full with your street clothes alone. Most of it had been taken up by a blanket you brought with you for the winter. You would have to do laundry often enough, you decided, and zipped up the bag. You threw it over your shoulder and assisted Jean in packing for the upcoming adventure before heading down to dinner.

You repeated the exciting news to your teammates once you sat. It was doctored, of course, at Commander Erwin’s order. You informed everyone that you would be traveling to Hermina District looking for a lead on Annie’s comrade. Reiner was quiet for most of the conversation.

You bid farewell to your friends after the candles in the mess hall were being extinguished by the kitchen staff. One of them reported to you that Viper had come for a visit by the dumpster out back, so they gave her a bit of chicken from the bone broth. You thanked them and strode off to collect her.

Sasha followed so you could instruct her on Viper’s schedule.

“I told them I’d be leaving so your day off would be different,” you explained, Viper purring softly in your arms. “Just remember to take her down there one morning before you let her out. And if she catches anything, just make sure she doesn’t puke inside again.” You checked her thoroughly for ticks and brushed her before bringing her back inside. 

“Yeah,” Sasha nodded, wincing. “I remember what that was like.”

Krista offered to assist Sasha if need be, which you were very thankful for. Krista could be a bit more attentive than Sasha at times. You were to leave early the next morning, so you went directly to bed. You scratched Viper’s ears and fell into a dreamless sleep.

You dragged yourself from your slumber at an ungodly hour. You let your hair flow free beneath the hood of a plain black cloak and tucked your cotton pants into black boots. You also threw on an additional shirt beneath Marco’s to ensure you would keep warm on the way there.

You crept out of your room after planting a kiss on Viper’s head. You then headed for the stables. Breathing a sigh of relief as you saw Reiner was the only one there, you jogged the rest of the way.

“Hey,” you waved. He was finishing up his horse’s saddle with him tied up to a post in the pasture’s fence. She was a big girl, ash brown with black hair and gray speckles around her nose and face.

“Hey,” he returned. He smoothed the saddle pad down over the girth straps. “Did you get any sleep last night?”

“Kind of.” You offered your hand to the mare. She sniffed you curiously and then ignored you. Your hand fell back to your side. “You?”

“No. I feel like there’s an ulterior motive here.”

You were a bit surprised at his openness, but agreed nonetheless. “It does seem a bit odd.”

The blond giant sighed and threw a smile down to you. “You ought to get your horse tacked up. The captains are coming.”

You spared no time getting to Griffon. You fed him whatever was in the bag on your hip, brushed him a bit too hard, and shot up on your toes to set his gear on his back. Captain Miche yawned as he passed you, and Captain Levi did not perceive you in the slightest. At least it would be a quiet ride.

Jean and his clammy hands showed up ten minutes late with the worst bed head you’d ever seen. The left side of his hair was completely flattened. You had to cover a laugh with a cough as you watched him stammer to explain himself and then rush to his horse’s stall after Captain Levi announced your departure. It took him a little while to catch up, but he did.

The passage to Stohess was slow and reticent. You finally reached its gate after the sun had disappeared from the sky. You traveled to its southernmost neighborhood, where liquor bottles decorated the streets and rats traveled freely in the open. You hadn’t imagined that a place as beautiful as central Stohess could disintegrate into such poverty. It made you sick.

Captain Miche went into the inn alone to rent the room. He held a large sum of money for both the rent and the bribe. The rest of you brought the horses around the back and removed their equipment. Captain Miche came back to guide you through the inn to your room. It was a dusty place with decades-old rugs and cobwebs on the bar stools. At the very least, there weren’t a copious amount of people hanging around.

You followed Captain Miche wordlessly up the stairs and down a narrow hall. The room held two small beds and a stool with a lamp on it in the middle. There was enough room for two to sleep at the foot of each bed, and then one would have to sleep next to a bed. The bathroom was in poor shape as well. Its tiles were cracked and the water cold. You shuddered at the idea of touching anything.

Reiner attempted to fit in one of the beds. It groaned under his weight and barely held him if he scrunched up. Captain Miche resigned to his fate of sleeping on the floor. He set his bags down at the very back of the room. Reiner laid the bedroll he was smart enough to bring down in the middle of the two beds. You placed your bag against the wall next to the bathroom door, directly across from the farther bed. You decided to take the first floor shift between the three of you small enough to fit on the beds.

At once, each of the men in the room shared a look amongst themselves, then shot their eyes to you and said, “No,” in perfect unison.

You opened your mouth to protest, but Captain Miche shook his head at you. Resistance was futile.

“Sheesh,” you mumbled, tossing your bag onto the front bed. You fought to keep a smile off your face. Captain Levi took the spot you just had, leaving Jean to take the remaining mattress. You sat up against your headboard and made a list in your head of the things you would need to clean before sleeping that night.

“Alright,” Captain Miche began, only above his shoulders visible from behind Jean’s bed. The muted green shirt he wore was pushed up to his sleeves. His forearms were just about as hairy as his face. “The first thing we all need is to come up with different routes to get back here. It will look suspicious if we’re seen together or seen taking the same way here.”

You nodded as he spoke. Together, you all looked over a map and penned your own individual routes to the inn. You agreed to sniff out the bars since you could handle your alcohol, and Reiner would join Captain Miche in keeping watch of the mercenaries. Jean took the homeless network, and Captain Levi the shop owners. You would begin your tasks after resting up.

You remained awake long after Jean began snoring. You stared at the ceiling in the sheets that you checked for bugs, thinking about how much you would rather be in your room back in Jinae, where it was always bright and clean and exactly how you wanted it. Soon, you sighed in frustration and sat up.

As your eyes adjusted to the darkness, you could make out Captain Levi’s back propped up against the wall, arms folded, looking toward the small window above Captain Miche. He slowly looked over at your huffing, and slowly you felt the vulnerability begin to spread throughout you. He did not take his eyes off of you, nor you him. You listened to the rise and fall of five sets of lungs together. The occasional shout from the streets outside would prompt you to look at the window a moment, but always, you returned.

There was a longing that gnawed at your abdomen, urging you to close the space between you and find out why he made you feel fragile and transparent like glass. Like you were suffocating under his judgement. And as much as you wished to push it down and forget the feeling ever existed, you were stuck sleeping next to it for a good while yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm really happy to be delivering a much longer chapter! i hope you all enjoy, and as always thank you SO SO much for all the kudos, comments, and bookmarks. they keep me inspired throughout the week ((:


	10. Rogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...
> 
> cw - descriptions of trauma
> 
> ...

A little over two weeks went by with nothing to show for it. Your squad had all but become nocturnal since anyone who would have anything to do with Coderoin never went outside during the day. You passed the time with a deck of cards and, occasionally, whatever trashy liquor the inn had available. It hurt like hell on the way down and on the way out, but it was all you had.

One particular Tuesday, you were holed up at the inn with Jean and Reiner. The captains had gone out together in order to meet with a higher-up from one of the local Coderoin networks. Nightfall had long passed, and still you sat, passing around a bottle of bitter rum and challenging one another to various card games. It made you nervous how long the captains had been gone. They left right after sunrise to travel to a small village a few kilometers from the outer wall of Stohess with an order to stay alert until they came back.

Jean peered over his cards. He slowly looked to Reiner, and then to you. Reiner glared right back as he took a sizable swig from the bottle. Jean plucked a card from his hand.

A bead of sweat dripped down your temple.

Jean’s slender fingers stacked his cards face-down on the pile between you. Unblinking, he said, “Two fives.”

You grazed Reiner’s hand as you took the bottle from him and drank extensively, though your eyes did not move from the cards. You grimaced at the liquor’s bite. The fuzziness between your ears helped to blunt the anxiety brought on by your next act and you bonked the bottle against Jean’s chest, declaring, “Horsefeathers.”

Jean ripped the rum from your reach. He drew the cards he played from the stack and flipped them over to reveal one five and one seven. He began collecting the entire pile. 

Relief flooded throughout you.

“Eat shit.”

Reiner’s hearty laugh rumbled throughout the room. He placed a card down. “One six.” He took his turn with the drink and looked to you, smirking. “Gonna question that too?”

You stuck your tongue out at him. “I have no use for a six of hearts, sir,” you slurred. You could feel the heat in your cheeks and realized you might have overestimated your tolerance. You slapped your last two cards down, proclaiming, “Two sevens! Good game idiots.”

“What?” Jean shouted, dismayed. He flipped over the cards you just played and gaped at you. “How?”

“I never even saw you get so low,” Reiner grumbled. He rubbed his face with one large, pale hand. His eyes were bloodshot from fatigue and drunkenness. “Where the hell are the captains, anyway? They were supposed to be back long before midnight.”

You leaned on your elbow behind Jean, reaching with your other hand for the pocket watch on the nightstand. You squinted to read it in the low candlelight. “Almost four,” you reported.

“What if I just farted right now?” Jean said thoughtfully.

“I’d take that fart and stick it right back up there.” You smacked him in the back of the head as you returned to your position. He laughed. You shook your head and began organizing the cards back in their box.

The bed groaned as Reiner got to his feet. “Well, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m sick of cards. I’m going for a walk to stay awake.” He grabbed a large sweater from the pile of clothes in his corner.

“Why do we even have to stay up?” Jean whined. He slumped over on top of your pillows. “We can just go look for them in the morning.” He circled his arms around one of the cushions and nuzzled his face into it, eyes fluttering closed. 

“Yeah, have fun explaining that when they come back and you’re knocked out.” Reiner stepped to the door. Softly, he looked at you. “Coming?”

You shook your head and patted Jean’s back. “I’ll stay here and wait with this one. I will probably go out once you get back, though,” you added. You were starting to get tired yourself.

He arched a brow. “I don’t think it’s a great idea for you to go by yourself.”

You scoffed. “I can take care of myself just fine. Besides, it’s a Tuesday night--”

“Wednesday morning!” Jean added through the pillow.

You smacked him again. “And I don’t think anyone worth their salt will be roaming the streets tonight.” You tapped your bicep. “I’ll be alright.”

Reiner looked to the ceiling and pursed his lips, his fingers clasping the doorknob. Finally, he gave in with a sigh. “Fine. I’ll walk a route and let you know what’s safe when I get back.”

You smiled at him. “Thanks, Reiner.”

He nodded. After he closed the door behind him, you opened your mouth to talk to Jean, only to be interrupted by a particularly violent snore. He was curled up at the very top of the bed, button-up shirt hitched above his stomach, mouth hanging open against the pillow.

“That doesn’t look very comfy,” you commented. You took the candle on your bedside table and moved to the other bed, where you sat and read the same two books you brought over and over again. You hadn’t anticipated so much free time.

Your mind wandered anxiously. You couldn’t focus on the pages no matter how hard you tried. The captains were held up for a very long time. You were concerned about next steps if they were compromised. Would you go after them? Retreat to HQ? Commander Erwin surely wouldn’t look kindly upon three newbies that turned tail and ran at the first sign of trouble and lost his two strongest captains. Not to mention the wrath you’d feel if they ever found their way back. The imaginary disappointment in Captain Miche’s face was enough to make you shudder.

You skimmed through your book impatiently as the minutes ticked by. The bed beneath you creaked with each bounce of your leg. The alcohol wore off the more you thought about the captains. You had come to Captain Miche with a lead that was shaky at best, naming the person they went to see as Elliot Jackson. You heard a few of your contacts mention her as some sort of boss during your stakeouts. Though you mentioned to your captain that you were unsure of her legitimacy, he organized a meetup with her and Captain Levi.

Guilt poured through you. You couldn’t stand the thought that you were responsible for the captains getting hurt. Of course, they were formidable soldiers, and could handle themselves in almost any situation. That begs the question: What took so long?

The rotation of the doorknob startled you from the hypnosis of your racing mind. Jean remained still as Reiner entered the room. “You were right,” he announced, lifting the hems of his shirt and sweater over his head. You gazed past him to avoid staring at his torso.

“Always am,” you teased.

He chuckled. “I took a loop around the neighborhood with that incense shop you like. Stay on the main road and you should be fine.” He kicked off his shoes and plopped down on the bedroll next to you, colossal shoulders leaning up against your bed. His honey eyes drifted to the book in your hand. “Still on that one?”

You managed a weak smile. “Third time.”

“Yikes.” He crinkled his wide nose. You noticed his spiky hair was beginning to droop under its own weight; it had been a while since he had a haircut. Without thinking, you slipped your fingers into it and ruffled.

“Soft,” you murmured.

Reiner laughed nervously. “Yeah? It’s a little long.”

You grabbed a strand and twisted it between your fingers. “Sorry, I’m still kind of drunk, and this is very soft.”

He seemed to relax at that. “Well, thanks. Why don’t you get going before they get back?”

“If they’re not dead in a ditch somewhere,” you muttered.

“Titans can’t even kill them, how do you think humans are going to?” Reiner asked, incredulous. “I’m sure they just got held up somewhere.”

You shrugged. Something still didn’t feel right. 

You stood and padded over to your bag, slumped on the floor next to Jean’s feet. You threw a large gray button-down over the poorly-cropped black shirt you had on beneath it. It helped make you look bulkier. You slipped on the cheap brown shoes next to the nightstand and deposited your small blades in your pockets before turning to leave.

“Be careful,” Reiner called after you.

You gave him a wave as the heavy door shut.

The brisk air was a refreshing change from the stuffy room you spent so much time in. You followed the packed dirt roads to the north, where the incense shop Reiner mentioned was nestled in between two row houses. The simple brick building had become a sanctuary for you the sporadic times you were able to leave the inn. It was owned and operated by the most decrepit old man you had ever met, a Stohess native named Julian, who had withered leathery skin stained with splotches from head to toe. His hair was wiry and dark gray in color, threaded into one braid on the back of his head, and two falling from his chin.

Despite Julian’s poor physical health, he was very tall, though most of the time he sat on a stool and hunched over the counter. He was grouchy the first few times you roamed the shop, but once he found out you knew a thing or two about aromatics, he warmed right up. For him, that meant he was silent while you browsed and would ask after you every so often.

The few oil street lamps that were functional cast a faint glow on the shop’s front window. It was decorated with some modest potted plants and assortments of perfumes, incense, and candles. You smiled at the building as you passed.

Reiner was right--it was very quiet. You could hear some crickets chirping in nearby gardens as well as the sound of your footsteps, but that was it. You relished the peacefulness of the late-night walk, something you hadn’t been able to do since you were a cadet. You were always too wary of getting caught being outside for too long at the Scouts’ HQ.

You thought back to the walks you took with Marco before either of you left home. There were countless times where you’d find him at your window in the dead of night or vice versa, and you two would take your horses and explore anything you could. You talked together through every defining moment of your childhoods. Crushes, friendships, parents, and everything in between.

Your heart lurched as memories of his corpse flooded your head. You stopped walking to steady yourself. Blood pounded in your ears. You were acutely aware of how small you were in the world, compared to all the atrocities around you. The darkness felt corrupt, like it was closing in on you, threatening to end you where you stood. You hugged yourself tighter and forced yourself to press on.

You focused on the sound of your breath. It was difficult to block everything out, but you were finally able to settle down at your walk’s halfway mark. You kept your eyes forward and your hands lazily in your pockets, hoping to threaten off whatever you heard scuttling around between buildings. You were almost certain the racket was caused by some rats, or maybe a crow up past its bedtime, but it pays to be cautious. That was something Captain Miche emphasized during his training exercises.

You passed a short strip of cafes and general stores near the end of the loop. You had adopted a quieter gait somewhere along the way, so you picked up on some voices coming from the patio of one of the businesses. You quickly stowed yourself away behind an empty fruit stand and strained to listen.

“… when she gave them an offer. They’re not stupid, so they took it. It’s protection, anyway. For both parties.” The low voice was faint, but audible. “So when she drops off the payment, we have to take it to Canary. Then we’ll get our cut. Sound good?”

The other voice was too hushed. You couldn’t make out what the response was.

“Yeah, yeah,” the first woman chuckled. “She really is thorough. Speaking of which, she said she’d be back at the house now, so let’s get going.”

You twisted your face as you thought. Wrought iron scraped against flagstone as the pair began their departure. You had to think quickly.

 _Canary…_ There was no use. The word was completely unfamiliar to you. It was most likely a code for something, so you started flipping through associations in your mind as you watched the two women, one almost invisible due to her dark hair and clothes, and the other in lighter clothes with dark hair. You watched them disappear around a corner and made your move.

First, you examined the table they were sitting at. It was a cold night, so why were they sitting outside? You considered the possibility that they were onto you or one of your teammates and set out a trap. Reiner could have been spotted, and then you following in his footsteps would seem suspicious. You weighed the options. Despite the risk, you cloaked yourself in your dark shirt and stuck to the shadows as you slowly tracked the pair of women down.

You stood flattened against a house after they stopped walking. You cut your breath short and listened. 

“Under the frame, there… and to the left…” 

“Got it!” one exclaimed. Wood shifted back into place. “Okay, let’s go get Jax.”

“Right.”

Two pairs of footsteps began receding. You slowly exhaled, and then allowed yourself to fold over and catch your breath. You peeked around the white building you were pressed against. _First Canary, now Jax. Is this a different network?_ You attempted to make sense of it as you snuck further down the road. Grass extended into the dirt path at that point, so you were able to rise a bit from your intense crouch while still being silent. You followed them for quite some time, into a part of the district you didn’t recognize, diving for cover every time you heard their voices pick up. You didn’t see a single other person.

Your mind was beginning to wander when you picked up on something that made you stop in your tracks.

“… that couple from Jinae…” 

It was like they were speaking in tongues, jumbled and foreign to you, up until the moment that phrase left one of their mouths.

…

You waved goodbye to Mrs. Bodt through the kitchen window. Marco was close behind, adjusting the straps on his overalls. He joined you on the path back to town.

You breathed in the humid spring air. The fragrance of apples and wheat mingled sweet and thick in the air, reminding you of your father’s summer pies. You would have to ask him to bake one soon.

“Are you ready for the exam at the end of the week?” Marco asked. He stood only a head taller than you then, his eyes even wider and his smile even toothier. His hair was cropped closer to his head, too.

You nodded. “It’s just on the reading. I have ecosystems memorized.”

“Right,” he laughed brightly, “I keep forgetting you’re a plant nerd now.”

“Shut up!” you shoved him with both hands, though his stumble was almost imperceptible. “I just finally found something I’m interested in.” You crossed your arms stubbornly, a pout pulling your lip down. 

“I know,” he hummed, unbothered. “I’m happy you found something that makes you happy.”

You felt yourself softening at his words, but you worked hard to keep your exterior solid. “Not everyone can run off and be a super cool Military Police guy.” You were annoyed at how long his childhood fantasy was sticking with him. Any day now, you and his parents were waiting expectantly for him to change his mind and stay local. 

“Oh, hush.” He shook his head and threw an arm around your shoulders. “You’re always going to be cooler than me. At least you won’t have competition here now.”

You rolled your eyes. You dropped the subject. You still had him by your side for a few years, so you would have to make the most of them.

“I’m going to stop for pearl tea in the morning. Care to join?”

Marco put a finger to his chin in thought. “Where from?”

“Dante’s mom’s place,” you replied.

“Hmm…” He considered it for much longer than necessary to annoy you. It was working.

You sighed forcefully out of your nose. Like a bull ready to charge.

Marco smiled nervously. He noticed your tell, huffing like that with your nostrils flared. You refused to meet his eyes before you could collect yourself.

“I’d love to, you know that,” he hugged you closer. You grunted in response.

The rest of your walk was spent stiffly being held against Marco and slowly losing your attitude the closer to home you got. Things hadn’t been great between your parents. A sour mood from you could tip the scales for the evening. Marco knew as well, which is why he kept you close the whole trip back. At least he would be up early with you the next morning.

You arrived at your house, a squat light green thing with a dramatically sloping roof and stonework climbing up the sides. A small birdbath sat out front in the little patch of grass before the road began. You had a small backyard that you could access from either side of your house, and you were in the midst of negotiations with your parents to start your own garden. They were afraid that you’d begin experimenting with potions or chemical reactions from the herbs you were planning to grow. It was a fair concern, you had to admit, but you were able to secure the small strip of land that belonged to your parents on the left side of your house for some fruits and vegetables.

“Alright,” you said, tugging the sides of your mouth up into a smile, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight,” Marco sighed as he pulled you in for a tight hug. He wanted so badly to help with your situation. He offered many times for you to stay with him, but it would only make things worse. Besides, you could handle it.

“Night.” You reached up and scrubbed at his head with your knuckles. You were going to give him noogies for as long as you could.

You parted from your best friend and did not look back as you made your way inside your home.

The house was dark. The stairs in front of the door that led both up and down a level were hidden in shadow. You stepped out of your boots and jogged up the stairs to the kitchen. You took a match from the corner of the counter, the location of which you knew by heart even though you couldn’t see. With it struck, you found the candle on the polished walnut table where you ate your meals.

The usual mountain of paperwork from your father’s bakery was absent, and in its place was a single sheet of paper with neat handwriting covering the entire page. Curious, you sat in the chair in front of the paper and lifted it to read.

Your limbs went slack the further you continued. You read it three, four, five times over, until the words looked bizarre to you. Your breaths became shallow. You pinched the candle and dragged yourself to the small couch across from the kitchen. You threw yourself down on it carelessly. You folded your hands under your head and stared straight at the table you fled from. The weight that sunk down on top of you was unimaginable.

You did not rest.

You lay catatonic on the sofa well past the first sign of sunrise. You were awakened from your trance by a stray rooster prowling the streets. You blinked the glaze from your eyes and rose to a seated position, only to realize that you had soiled yourself sometime overnight. You stripped your clothes off and threw them in the basket next to your bedroom door, and then pulled out the long-sleeved shirt and skirt you planned to wear, and then you took a shower to clean the urine from your skin.

You dressed as you stared at the wall.

Marco was waiting for you at the entrance to town. It was past your house, but he said when he knocked there was no answer. You apologized sincerely for making him wait, but he smiled at you nonetheless.

“You’re always so patient with me,” he mentioned. “It’s the least I can do.”

You smiled at him. “Thanks.”

He began the conversation due to an argument he and his father were participating in. Not a word of it stayed with you. Still, you made an effort to appear engaged. He did not comment on your mood if he noticed anything. Hiding things from him was almost impossible. Oddly enough, the distance you felt from yourself and from the world around you allowed you to play the part with little effort. You barely even realized you were speaking again until you were walking with a paper cup of pearl tea on your way to lessons with Marco.

The tapioca pearls and cold lavender tea were tasteless.

… 

Your nose connected with something hard. You staggered back and lifted your hand to your face to assess the damage, but before you got halfway there, your legs were swept from beneath you, and your back slammed into the ground, air stolen from your lungs. You got a choked cry out before something hard struck your left side, and then another jarred your momentum from the right.

_Two._

The barrage of kicks climbed and fell along your body for a few moments. You did as you could to control your breathing at the start, but after some time, the convulsions caused by the pain elicited guttural wails from your throat that you refused to believe were your own. You sounded pitiful. You hated it.

_That’s the point, though, isn’t it?_

After your assailants showed signs of tiring, you waited until one walked near your legs and hooked your ankle--thankfully unscathed--around theirs and yanked with all your might. You swiftly flipped to your stomach and pushed yourself to your feet, leaping back from the two despite the vast majority of your body screaming in pain. You knew you would barely be visible underneath the bruises that were already forming all over you.

One eye was already starting to swell, so you knew you needed to act fast. You recognized a third body in front of you and adjusted your plan accordingly. You gave them no time to recuperate and charged, managing a preemptive strike on a man near double your size that was farther from the pair of women that you had been following. You placed your palm over your fist and drove your elbow straight into his crotch. He gasped and folded to the ground. You allowed a brief second for relief that these were low-level thugs that would succumb to such a move.

The others were quicker. They flew at you from both sides, forcing you to jump back again, and that time you were much closer to the wall of a building behind you. You decided to use it as best you could and moved further back with each advance they made.

The one wearing lighter clothes was impatient. She swung at you and lunged far enough for you to duck your shoulder under her fist, cup the back of her head, and throw it against the bricks behind you. The other got a couple good hits in on you before you grappled with her to the ground, arms and legs twisted and strained against hers as you fought to subdue her. She clawed at your shoulders and yanked at your hair. Her grasp faltered for a second, allowing you to straddle her and knock your fist into the side of her head, grunting with each swing, blood from her nose covering your hands. She didn’t fight back after a while.

Panting, you raked your hair from your face and cast a look over your shoulder. The man you took down first was long gone.

“ _Fuck!_ ” you shouted, grabbing fistfuls of hair and leaning forward, touching the woman’s bloody forehead with your own. You felt her shallow breaths on your chin. You closed your eyes and allowed a split-second sob to jump from your lips. You then sat back on your heels and swept the tears from your cheeks with a shaky sigh.

You pushed yourself to your feet and, clutching your sides, started the long walk home. You hoped Reiner had fallen asleep before realizing you had been gone too long.

The pain really started to make its home in you once there was no more adrenaline for your brain to cling to. The hip you had dislocated before was tender and forced you to limp. Your head was throbbing again, but scant were the times where it felt normal.

You dragged your battered sack of bones across Stohess until you made it to the rickety inn you had been calling home. The sky was beginning to brighten as dawn crept up on the city. The bartender barely paid you any mind as you crossed the empty first level and disappeared up the stairs.

Unease flooded throughout you the closer you came to your door. You wished for your teammates to be fast asleep as you grabbed the knob and twisted, stumbling into the vacant room. Reiner’s pile of clothes was a mess, and the pillow Jean had been cuddling was thrown on the floor between the beds. Your shoulders slumped. Guilt’s white-hot toxicity wriggled its way into your chest. _Good people don’t make their friends worry._

You shook the thought from your head. First things first, you needed to rinse off.

The cold water hit your skin like bullets. Blood stained the bubbles from your soap and collected in a murky red pool above the drain. A boot print made of dirt washed from your cheek, just below a tear in your eyebrow from the attack. Purple and gray splotches dotted your skin.

It was far from the worst condition you had ever been in. You grabbed the first-aid kit from your bag, covered yourself in a black athletic bra and cotton pants, and set up shop in the bathroom. You disinfected the small cuts that littered your face and neck, as well as one that was as a result of an old scar splitting on your back. It looked like that one and the one on your brow were the only two that needed stitching.

You took the surgical thread between the steel tongs in your hand. You leaned in close to the mirror, stretched the skin above your left eye, and stuck the hook through with little effort. You were about to cross back over the wound when you heard the door to your room swing open.

Captain Levi noticed a lamp lit from the bathroom and immediately locked eyes with you where you stood, hunched over the sink with blood dripping from your temple.

The captain sighed audibly and pushed the door closed behind him. His tired eyes gave you a pointed look. “Where have you been?”

You turned to face him completely, thread still dangling from your open wound. “I went for a walk and got jumped.”

“I can see that, moron,” he spat. He took a few steps toward you with a scalding gaze.

You swallowed. The space in the bathroom suddenly felt much tighter. “I heard two people talking about movements and payments while I was out, so I followed. I got distracted on the way and, well,” you gestured to the mosaic of color that was your skin.

“Distracted?” he echoed coldly.

You nodded. You did not provide any further explanation.

The captain regarded you intensely for a moment, so you turned back to your task to avoid the inevitable staring contest. That, and the warmth that spread throughout your face and neck. You struggled to see properly in the film-covered mirror.

“I’m rounding everyone else up.” The door groaned as it opened. “Do us a favor and stay put for once.”

“Yes, sir,” you replied automatically. His sarcasm stung just a little bit. You hopped up onto the small counter in the bathroom, legs thrown over the side, and twisted to see yourself better in a clean patch of glass. If you angled yourself properly, you could see a quarter of your eyebrow at once.

You didn’t notice the sound of the door closing.

“Watching this is painful.”

You turned to acknowledge the captain’s voice, only to find him in front of you, yanking the tongs from your hand.

“Ow!” you protested the tugging at your wound.

“Sit still,” Captain Levi ordered. He placed his fingers on your jaw and jerked your face to the side.

Your thoughts disintegrated into a tingly feeling that zipped back and forth between your ears. The captain’s hand remained gently on your face as the other worked to close the gash on your head. His body’s natural musk pleasantly coalesced with the faintest traces of sandalwood and green soap. It made your head spin. You could feel your heartbeat in your stomach while you stared straight ahead at the towel hanging on the wall across from you.

Your body begged you to squirm under his touch. The emanation of such an unsettling atmosphere still distressed you. The four points you could feel his skin connect with yours were alight with sensation. It felt as though those pieces of you would vaporize on the spot. However, you remained seated in that bathroom, hands squeezing the edges of the counter beneath you.

“Did you at least get anything useful out of it?”

The words took a moment to register. “Yeah,” you said quietly, afraid to prompt his hand to release you. “They’re taking a shipment of something to a place called Canary. One of their bosses is named Jax, too. I’m not sure what that means, though.” You winced as the needle pierced a sensitive spot.

“Canary is a church closer to the center of the district,” Captain Levi replied flatly. “Jax is a pseudonym for Elliot Jackson. Who we were already done dealing with, I might add.” His icy eyes flicked to yours for a fraction of a second. You hadn’t even noticed you were looking at him.

You pouted and averted your eyes. You couldn’t see, but a strip of golden light found its way in through the tiny restroom window and laid itself out across your face. Water droplets on the hair you tucked behind your ear glistened. Your skin, marked by bruises and red marks, shone silky beneath the sunrise. It also caught the corner of your mouth, pink lips split and velvety smooth in the same breath.

You noticed the captain’s hand falter.

Every muscle in your body was strained. You could feel your heartbeat in your stomach. Something about that man just made your skin crawl. Despite his potent effect, you couldn’t begin to understand where it came from. It terrified you and exhilarated you in concert.

The silence was suffocating, so you returned to your examination of the towel on the wall. “What held you up, anyway?”

A small exhale from his nose tickled your collarbone. “Fake negotiations about a meetup with dealers from the underground.” He rummaged around in your first-aid bag and pulled out the scissors to clip the thread. He released your face, causing your pout to deepen.

“Now, can I leave you alone while I bring everyone else back or are you going to run off again?” He tossed the equipment back in your bag and fixed his harsh eyes on you with a subtle flick of his hair. You were taller sitting on the counter, but somehow he managed to look down at you regardless.

You hung your head. “I’ll be here.”

He grunted in passive approval. He brought his thumb and forefinger back up to your brow, and your eyes followed, though you winced as he pulled the skin around your wound taut. He eyed it with distaste. “Don’t be so damn careless. And clean yourself up.”

In the blink of an eye, Captain Levi’s back was to you, and he was crossing to the front door.

Your mouth hung open. “I already did--”

The door shut softly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all! so i guess sundays are my upload days now. i had a rough time getting through this one, so any suggestions or thoughts would be much appreciated! enjoy!


	11. Habits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 11 playlist (recommended to be shuffled) - https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2is9lpbS6Tf2XLfcha7dTX?si=f0255bdb06f24711
> 
> ...
> 
> cw - descriptions of substance use
> 
> ...

Crowds gathered to witness the glamour of Mitras high society. Hordes of aristocrats and politicians and military officials paraded their plus ones through the main street and up the steps of the royal castle. The structure itself was more like a large courtyard, turrets rising up at each point of its four walls, with smaller coverings scattered about in between them. The full moon illuminated the twisting vines and winter foliage that climbed through the courtyard. Delicate oil lamps dotted the space as well, appearing to be twinkling each time they were obscured by some expensive shrubbery.

The nobility of Mitras were adorned in elegant fabrics of rich, dark chroma. Metal jewels chimed against throats and wrists as hundreds of conversations bubbled into the evening. Military Police soldiers stood close guard over the guests with their rifles propped up against their shoulders. Some appeared to get antsy, like the lone bachelor that stood on the outskirts of the group, awkwardly tugging at his sleek black suit. He shifted back and forth in wait.

Beside him, a couple chattered eagerly about the coming celebration. Midnight marked the anniversary of the king’s coronation, which is why the lowly townsfolk of Mitras hung out their windows and pointed from the streets beside the castle in awe of the festivities. Most of those lowly townsfolk, however, made more than anyone in the outer walls could ever hope to see in their lifetimes. It was a testament to the exclusivity of the king’s party; though, the king himself was rumored to not be in attendance.

The lavish affair would continue on through the morning, opening up to a street festival that would last until the next coming of midnight. Citizens of Wall Rose were allowed to attend the street festival as well. The irony of inviting impoverished families to bask in the glory of such grandiose expenditures was lost upon most.

Excitement boiled over into gasps as bells rang out across the city. The massive engraved doors to the castle were wrenched open by a group of Military Police on either side. Shiny new debutantes and jaded nobles alike filed into the magnificent front hall. The white gemstone veins that ran through the polished stone tiles glittered brilliantly under the effulgence of thousands of staggered candelabras. The hall echoed with the sounds of hundreds of heels on tile. Elegant notes flowed from string instruments planted carefully all along the walls. They harmonized effortlessly despite being so far from one another.

As the final string of elites drew into the castle, the doors were shut behind them, and in turn, so was the outside world. All that existed then was avarice and excess, the hunger to be drunk on material things. Even as the sheep shuffled in their corral, an obligatory--albeit impatient--silence fell upon the crowd. Some of the royal court gathered at the doors directly across from the castle’s entrance to give words of false love and gratitude, merely a show played for some invisible audience, since all involved knew of the facade.

“And with that,” a stout man in shining dark silk clapped, “welcome to the midnight gala.”

A woman off to the left of the entrance shifted impatiently as a rumble of approval rose among her peers. She sighed and leaned her head against her husband’s arm, both adorned in plain black. That is, until she crossed beneath the grand chandelier that hung above, and the secrets of her gown were exposed. An effervescent violet swam among the black fabric that cascaded from her shoulders to the floor. Her hair was a jumble of curls twisted atop her head, fine strands flowing down to brush her bare collarbones. Silver jewels adorned her ears, fingers, and neck, complimenting the fiery sparkle in her eyes. Her face was dusted with a subtle blush, and her lashes painted with a striking black veneer. Her lips were a divine shade of muted wine. Her gown clung to the very edges of her shoulders, fading into long bell sleeves that grazed the floor. It cinched tightly at her waist, where gossamer skirts plunged to her toes like a silken waterfall.

She guided her partner out into the courtyard, descending the marble steps painfully slowly. The man on her arm looked at her adoringly. His hazel eyes swept over the expansive scene in front of him. Music whirled from all corners of the courtyard as well, and parties were starting to gather at tall tables where trays of hors d'oeuvres waited to be licked clean. The woman placed a well-manicured hand on her husband’s arm and flicked her gaze toward the back of the garden. The pair strode with pleasant grins and nods to other attendees until they reached a table a comfortable distance from the larger crowds.

A server in a luxurious dark blue uniform came by with glasses of champagne. The man enthusiastically took two and handed one to his wife. They waited patiently as other couples chatted upon passing and finally settled in their own cliques.

Someone near the entrance tapped a piece of silverware on their glass. The couple turned.

“Long live King Fritz!”

Cheers spilled into the night.

Champagne flute raised above your head, you looked to Jean with a mischievous smile. “Let’s get this show on the road, shall we?”

He clinked his glass with yours.

Almost exactly a week prior, you were being chewed out by each of your teammates in turn. You couldn’t get a word in for a good fifteen minutes, and even then, Captain Miche forbade you from apologizing again, so you had nothing to say. The discussion then moved to next steps.

The words coming from the captains’ mouths stunned you. Eyes wide, you, Reiner, and Jean sat glued to Captain Miche’s face as he explained the elaborate charades that the royal court had been playing for decades.

“We found out that our gal had connections with the church. We got her to spill that codename, Canary,” he rumbled, shooting you a glare. “And then we had some more lengthy conversations after we struck a ‘deal’. The clergy turn a blind eye to drug activity in the capital in exchange for influential sources to spout some nonsense about how Coderoin brings you closer to the Walls.

“Then we decided to pop back into town to see if our friends at the church here knew anything. Turns out,” the captain said with a quick venomous smirk, “they know a lot more than that. We couldn’t get the part about the nobility being involved if they were so close to the royal court. They told us to find a man named Pastor Nick who practices in the capital.”

Your mind struggled to understand what that meant for you. Surely they couldn’t expect you to extort some religious nut in the middle of Mitras. You found yourself looking back on all the times you thought that about some other senseless event. A lump formed in your throat.

“So, we’re going to a party.” Captain Levi’s expression was dark and playful from behind his teacup. That scared you more than the extortion.

Captain Miche shook his head, arms crossed. “Not just any party. The anniversary of the king’s coronation. No doubt anyone important to the church will be there.”

“If he’s just a pastor, how do we know he’s important?” you blurted. You shrank back into your pillows under your captain’s stare.

His look lightened with a roll of his eyes. “Someone named him. That’s all we’ve got to go on now, anyway.”

“How do we know it’s not a trap?” Reiner offered.

Jean turned a lovely shade of green at the end of your bed. You reached forward and patted him on the shoulder.

“We don’t,” Captain Miche confessed. “We’ll be sending word home, though, so Erwin will be keeping an eye on us.”

The blond giant looked troubled still. “But what does this have to do with Annie?”

The look Captain Miche sent toward Captain Levi was fleeting, almost imperceptible, but you caught it. You weren’t sure what to make of that.

“The traitor worked with one of the first chemists,” Captain Levi answered. He set his cup down on the bedside table on the opposite side of the room from you. “Someone named Carly and her father. Doesn’t give us any clue as to whether the Military Pigs knew about her.”

Together, your team drafted a plan for the night of the gala. You would attend separately to avoid suspicion, and each of you would slip inside in a specific order and snoop around. While that individual was busy inside, the others would keep watch and mingle to get some information. Hopefully, that would lead to Pastor Nick. It was a blind wish, but still you hoped for the easy outcome. You missed Viper terribly.

Jean slept squished between your bed and the front wall to avoid any and all contact with the captains. He pestered you endlessly while you tried to fall asleep, prompting you to hiss at him from beneath your blankets.

“ _Go to bed._ ”

“I’m still pissed at you for getting beaten up,” he whispered sharply. “I was worried, Wraith.”

You rolled your eyes. “Don’t you start calling me that.”

He chuckled under his breath. “What? It’s cute. But I’m still pissed.” You saw his smile flip in the low light.

“I get it,” you sighed softly, “I’m grounded forever. Can I please go to sleep now?”

Jean shook his head. He popped up over the edge of your bed and swiftly grabbed your lips in his, a stolen moment that made you blush. He turned over on the floor with a matter-of-fact “Now you can.”

The next morning, you woke to the sound of the door wrenching open. “Kirschtein, with me,” came Captain Levi’s brisk voice. Jean leapt off the floor and scrambled to follow his captain.

_Yikes._

The plan was off to a wonderful start as you placed your empty champagne flute on the table. You delicately flicked a piece of hair from your face and scanned the crowd in front of you. The music and the chatter both picked up to a vociferous intensity. You had to admit, despite your hatred of every circumstance that led to such financial disparity, the atmosphere was certainly intoxicating.

“See anyone?” you asked, waving a few fingers to a woman you made eye contact with.

“Reiner’s up front with a group of guys,” Jean reported. He sipped on his drink. “Can’t see either of the captains yet. They said they might take a while to get in here.”

You nodded. “Well, my dear,” you hummed, looping your arm through his with an electrifying smile. “Let’s go make some friends.”

His face melted into a grin. “Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?”

You laughed. “You sound like you’re getting ready to walk me down the aisle.”

He shook his head at you, pursing his lips, and began walking you forward. “I damn well better be the one to do it.”

“Aww,” your lips pouted sweetly. You hugged his arm close. “Position’s all yours.”

You made conversation with other young couples at first, mentioning your involvement with the church whenever convenient. You managed to learn the names of a few practitioners within the Church of the Walls, but sadly, they weren’t from Mitras. You decided to keep them in your back pocket in case you needed them later. Pulling Jean away from the group to find a friend of yours you saw, you followed the winding stone paths in the grass until you were nearer to the front. Jean left you with a gaggle of laughing women in search of snacks. The both of you were starving.

“Where are you from?” an older woman with dark golden skin and short black hair asked, clutching a glass of wine in her hands. Golden bangles clattered against the stem as she took a drink.

“Jinae,” you replied automatically, and cursed yourself. As the shock of your word settled on the other women’s faces, you quickly picked up, “originally. My family was. My parents moved to the Wall Rose interior a few years after I was born.”

The woman with the golden bangles relaxed her face. “Oh, good. I assume that’s where you met your partner?” She pointed a wrinkled finger past your shoulder to Jean, who was snaking through the crowd with his eyes locked on you. You couldn’t see any finger food in his hands. _Better be in your pockets,_ you threatened.

“Yes, it is,” you giggled lightly, covering your mouth with your hand. The women swooned. It was all too easy to cater to their shallow tastes.

Jean introduced himself to the group as a craftsman for the Garrison and carried on with them for quite a while. He snuck a fried trout ball to you behind your back. You quickly popped it in your mouth when no one was looking.

A young woman, closer to your age, spoke about her devotion to the church in Mitras. You and Jean brightened at its mention, and though the others in the group didn’t have much to say, you knew you had to take your chance.

“We work a lot with local spiritual education,” you said. “Making sure we reach everyone we can.” You placed a hand on Jean’s chest and looked up at him, grinning. He strained to keep himself from laughing.

“Yes we do,” he nodded sternly.

“Oh, that’s wonderful,” the other woman sighed dreamily. She had long red hair that reached the middle of her back in a braid. “You said you’re from Jinae?” She took a drink from her champagne and set it down on the table next to her.

You fought off a frown. “My family was, yes.” You snatched an emerald liquid from a passing server’s tray and tried not to down it too eagerly. Wherever this was going couldn’t be good.

“Were they members of the faith as well?”

You puckered at the sour aftertaste of your cocktail. You laughed it off and nodded at the redhead.

She looked at you thoughtfully. You twisted your face in preparation for her question. “Do you know of anyone named Beatrice from there? She lived there a long time ago, but I’m just curious.”

Thankfully, your face was stuck in confusion. The name caused a panic to stir in your chest. You froze, your mind bombarded by memories, your breath hitched in your chest, and felt a painful wave of longing wash over you. _This is impossible,_ you thought. _All these years…_

You recovered in just enough time that you were confident Jean didn’t notice. “No, it doesn’t ring a bell.”

“Too bad,” she said solemnly, and the party delved into another inconsequential topic.

You leaned into Jean for a few moments. Your thoughts raced until you were dizzy. Jean carried your share of the conversation as you quickly put away your drink in an effort to calm yourself. It helped for a moment, until a hard hand shoved your back forward, jerking you into another lady in enough jewelry to make it sound like you broke something.

“Hey!” Jean growled at your assailant. His face faltered, and then he looked angry again. You peered past him while some of the women around you asked if you were hurt. Jean took off after them, grumbling, “No one touches my wife like that!”

“Uh oh,” you breathed. You gave a nervous smile to your group and picked up your dress, hobbling off after him. You saw the very top of his ash brown hair disappear into one of the smaller doors on the sides of the courtyard. You climbed the steps and entered. It was a shorter, narrower hall with doors every so often that led you to believe it was some sort of administrative wing. There were minimal decorations as well.

“I’m so sorry,” Reiner began, reaching for you. His hands rested on the sides of your arms. “I couldn’t get your attention any other way. Are you alright?”

You nodded, stifling a giggle. “I think I’ll manage. What’s up?”

He retracted his hands and stuffed them into his dark pockets. He was wearing various layers of blacks, grays, and whites to look like the night sky. “The captains are here. Who’s got first shift?”

You immediately gestured toward yourself. You needed a break from everything already.

“Okay,” he said. “After you’re done let one of the captains know if you found anything.” He looked to Jean. “You want second or third?”

“I wanna drink, so second,” Jean replied. He tugged at his collar. “This getup is insufferable.” His outfit was simpler than Reiner’s, though it complimented your gown exquisitely. His black suit was layered atop a satin button-down the color of eggplant. He also wore a dainty silver chain that matched your jewels.

“I think you look nice,” you said, brushing his arm with your hand.

Jean stuck his tongue out at you.

“I’ll be back,” you sang with a wave, strutting down the hall toward the northern side of the castle.

You heard Jean sigh loudly, wistfully. “That’s my wife.”

“You wish,” Reiner jested. You heard the music of the party slip into the hall as the boys went back outside.

“Okay,” you breathed quietly. “Where to begin?”

You peered through the door separating you from the rest of the castle. Yet another grandiose hallway stretched out before you, but you were in luck--there was an entrance in the corner to your left that led to the northwestern turret. No doubt the important things in that castle were kept upstairs. You checked around each corner with bated breath. The low light hid you well, and you clung to the walls until you reached the door to the stairwell.

You could faintly hear the echoing melodies of the string instruments scattered throughout the castle. It was strangely peaceful.

The stairwell was crafted as intricately as the rest of the castle. Even the wrought iron railing was etched and twisted in gorgeous patterns. You stepped on your toes to avoid the noise from your heels. You passed through patches of moonlight impelled upon the glossy stairs by the full moon, which hung high among flurries of clouds. Occasionally your dress would catch violet fire, the flames of your skirts licking at your heels with each movement.

You listened intently through the door at the top of the spiral staircase. It was heavy and wooden, bolted with thick iron, like an older castle. _Must not have been updated with the rest._

After a few moments, you deemed it clear, and you pulled the door open ever so slightly. You hid behind it, hand tightly wound around the handle. You listened again. You leaned around the edge of the wood. To your surprise, you were met with darkness. Were you in an unused area of the king’s domain? And if so, was it worthwhile to enter?

You pondered your options, a sigh dragging a groan along with it from your throat. You couldn’t waste any more time, so you decided that since you were already there, you would investigate. You slipped through the crack in the doorway. Your eyes slowly adjusted to the lack of light. Squinting, you could make out an elongated parlor area with chairs and plants and vacant candle holders.

_Why is everything in this place so fucking long?_

You crept along the side walls, skirts balled in one fist, the other poised for action. You stopped to feel one of the plants. _Fake,_ you assessed. _Why keep up appearances when the lights are always off?_

You slid your back against the cold marble, eyes strained to peer around the parlor door’s threshold, and your breath caught when you saw the flicker of dim candlelight at the end of the hall before you. It seemed to originate from an open doorway down on the left. Your heartbeat picked up.

Agonizingly slowly, you made your way across the velvety rug that ran the length of the passage. You stopped every few seconds to examine your surroundings. You could pick up the faint traces of a woman’s voice the closer you got to the occupied room. Then two more. Their dazzling voices echoed from within their space, making it difficult to make out any clear words, but you concluded that it must have been a bathroom.

You took a strong, deep breath to ground yourself. You stepped off of the carpet and hugged the wall once more. You settled yourself a few meters from the doorway.

“Is that it?” a coarse, sultry voice sighed.

A few women laughed.

“You’re out of money,” another replied, “and I don’t take charity cases.”

The first scoffed. “I thought we were friends.”

“We are. As your friend, Cara, I’m telling you I need you to pay me.”

The group descended into awkward chattering as Cara begged the others for the coin. She just needed one more to get where she needed to be. To do what she wanted to despite her husband. To feel bliss.

You squeezed your eyes shut. _Figures._

Your heartbeat slowed.

Hips swaying, you stalked to the doorway of the restroom, brandishing a chartreuse pouch that jingled with the weight of a noblewoman’s salary. “I take charity cases,” you sang, dangling the pouch by its strings. You watched the dismayed women move to shield their illicit activities from beneath your lashes.

“Who are you?” the woman closest to you asked defensively. Emerald and lime fabrics laced with gold wrapped themselves around her. It didn’t seem as though she had dressed for the occasion.

You smiled devilishly. “Someone with money.” You swung the pouch ever so slightly, easily spotting Cara among the group as her eyes flashed at you. You lightly tossed it in the air and caught it, sliding it back into the pocket sewn between the folds of your skirts. “I can handle my dream.”

They shared concerned looks among one another. You kept steady your sickly sweet grin with unrelenting strength in your eyes. Soon enough, the woman in bright colors buckled. She straightened, lips pursed, and turned to reach into the bag on the long counter behind her. There was a single boisterous candle that danced delicately in the mirror that covered the wall above the sink. The woman’s bracelets rang loudly against one another as she dug through her stash.

You tried your best not to look impatient. She pulled something out, so you advanced, leaning on the counter a safe distance away from them. You plopped your coin purse on the glittering quartz and rummaged through it. “Two for me, one for Cara.” 

You screwed your face up in thought. _They must be overpaying for this…_

“Are you sure?” Cara asked nervously. She was beginning to twitch.

You nodded. It was difficult to keep your cool grin steady watching her.

The woman in emerald and lime held out her palm for the payment. You dropped slightly too much money in her hand. She eyed it carefully, picking through the pieces, until she was satisfied. Her other hand languidly placed two small eggshell tablets in yours. The sight made you want to vomit.

She went through the same routine with Cara. By the time she returned her gaze to you, the tablets had disappeared behind your tongue, your muscles robotically performing the movements as they had done oh so many times, but never had you expected to return to it so willingly, under pressure that you weren’t so sure was necessary. Why had you gone inside the bathroom? You could have easily retreated and continued searching the area without becoming intoxicated.

Did you want this?

No. You had a purpose. You stalled the incoming racing thoughts and returned to the present. “Where do I get more?”

Almost all of their heads turned. “More?” the emerald woman parroted.

You laughed an airy, listless laugh that sent a chill down your spine. “Yes, more.” You deposited your coin purse back in your pocket and stood straight. You folded your arms. “May I have a name?”

A deafening silence fell over the room for some time. You wondered if you had overdone it.

“Who are you?” she asked once more.

“Someone with money,” you repeated.

She chewed the inside of her cheek. “How much?”

“Enough.” You dug your nails into your palms impatiently. She was clearly in need of some further convincing. You dug through the persona you had developed during the evening with Jean to see if you had any useful information. All you could do was hope she knew your family well. “I’m a friend of Beatrice.”

Relief softened her features. You even thought you could hear her sigh. “It’s through Elliot Jackson.”

You felt your throat tighten. _If that’s the only information I get out of this, I’m dead._ “Is Elliot Jackson present this evening?” you followed coolly. 

To your luck, the woman nodded. You glanced past her and noticed Cara smiling to herself with her eyes closed. The earlier doses must have hit.

“She’s with the liaison for the church. They love dancing,” she said sweetly. “Makes it easier to talk.”

You nodded knowingly. Tapping your knuckles on the thick countertop, you turned on your toes and began out the door. “Thanks for the chat.”

You began walking quickly as soon as your heels hit the carpet. _I’ve got about fifteen minutes until I’m incoherent._ You groaned at yourself once you were sure you wouldn’t be heard by others. There was very little you could do to convince yourself you made the right decisions. It all depended on how the information paid off.

“Okay, Captain,” you breathed, hastily tapping down the spiral steps, hoping to spot Captain Miche in the ballroom. It was located in the north wall, directly across the courtyard from the front entrance to the castle. The only doors that led into it were inside the castle, however, so you had to be careful exiting the stairwell. You hoped the ballroom wasn’t as long as the front hall.

You pressed your ear to the door. A few moments of stillness passed before you allowed yourself to prod it open and confirm visually. The lounge area was empty. You were able to slip into the western hall and back out into the courtyard with ease. You decided to cross and enter the ballroom from the eastern side to avoid contact with your restroom acquaintances. First, you swept the courtyard for any signs of your teammates. The number of people outside had dwindled as the cold began to seep through skin. It appeared as though your comrades had gone inside as well.

You followed a small group of lesser politicians inside to the eastern hall. There were significantly more people gathered there, and that made you think the western side of the castle was meant to be sealed off. Why would those doors be left open so carelessly? Unless it had been Cara’s associates. Still, something about it unsettled you. You would make sure to mention it to Captain Miche.

You drew in a long breath to relax yourself back into the elegant role you had to play. The castle’s northeastern turret was actually open, rather than concealing a staircase, and served as a larger socializing area with a bar planted in the corner. A fleet scan of the environment assured you that at least one familiar face had to be in that ballroom. You held your chin high as you gracefully glided forward, smiling warmly at the private guards who pulled the statuesque metal doors open in front of you.

Harps, violins, cellos, flutes, pianos, and innumerable other flawless instruments carried gorgeous melodies throughout the ballroom. Windows and curtains ten times as tall as you reached to the ceiling, moonlight beginning to sprawl along the diamond-patterned floors as the night grew longer. Thin clusters of gala attendees rested on the outskirts of the room, and at the far end across from you, two long tables in striking white linen held more refreshments of all varieties. However, the most captivating affair was the ever-changing flow of partnered dancers that swirled around the room in dizzying patterns.

You admired the scene before you. A peace washed through your veins, the music notes tickling something in your heart. The pills were beginning to take effect.

You hurried out to the side of the room, checking each face for recognizable features as you passed. It wasn’t long before you spotted Jean’s head sticking out above some others. He was taking part in a conversation with Captain Levi, you noticed, and suddenly you felt very guilty. Jean was already scared enough after the captain woke him up so abruptly that one morning to go get invitations to the gala.

His expression relaxed after spotting you. You smiled delicately at him, reaching your arm out to hook through his, playing the part of his wife once more. “There you are,” you stated lightly.

He placed his free hand on yours. “Where have you been, dear?” he strained through gritted teeth.

You laughed nervously and glanced at Captain Levi. He was staring off elsewhere, seemingly unaware of the company in front of him. “Sorry for taking so long.” You batted your lashes at Jean, leaning into him slightly. “I had to make a trip to the restroom.”

His lips turned reluctantly. He gently flicked a strand of hair from your face, and then loosened your hand from his bicep. “This is my colleague that I told you about who I helped get tickets,” Jean informed you. “Keep him company while I make a trip to the restroom.”

Your mouth parted in a silent scream. Your arms slipped and fell back to your sides as you watched him retreat, taunting you with a virulent look over his shoulder, knowing he had damned you to the same hell he had been experiencing for however long they had been alone.

Your eyes slowly slid back to Captain Levi. He looked down at you darkly, frown set deep in his mouth. You felt as though you would be set aflame by the feeling that crawled down your spine.

You watched his arm lift, wrist twisting so that his palm was extended toward you, facing up. “May as well do as your husband suggests.” You swore you saw his lips twitch in amusement.

You examined his offering for a second. Captain Miche was nowhere to be seen, so you couldn’t run screaming to him for help. Not to mention your muscles were beginning to feel exceptionally loose. It was only a matter of time before you needed to be far away from anyone you knew.

Warily, you took Captain Levi’s hand. He turned without so much as a look at you and towed you into the masses. Near the center, he turned again, this time to face you, and effortlessly laced his fingers through yours in the hand that was in his, bringing the other to rest on the small of your back. He pulled you into a light twirl and used the momentum to begin leading you across the dance floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i want to say thank you so much to everyone who's been supporting this and leaving love, it really makes me so happy. writing this is helping me through some tough stuff so you all mean the world to me!!


	12. Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...
> 
> cw - descriptions of substance use and trauma
> 
> ...

It took no time at all for you to trip over yourself. Despite your agility, your deftness, your pliability, you were a horrible dancer. It should have been a crime for the captain to ask you to. You struggled to liberate a section of your skirts that had caught on your heel, and at the same time, you were attempting to keep your eyes hovering above his shoulder, a terrible ache in your chest making it difficult for you to breathe. _Whatever they put in Coderoin these days isn’t going easy on me._

You had just picked up your right foot to shake your gown free when a change in course shot you even further to the right, making you stumble, and you tripped over Captain Levi’s foot. You drew in a sharp breath, expecting to hit the tile full-force. Instead, the captain pressed his hand into your back, pulling you up and into him. But he didn’t stop there. His arm reached around you entirely, fingers wrapping gently around your supple hip, and you let out a squeak as your toes left the floor, only to relax once they found the tops of his.

Your expression must have contained as much bewilderment as you felt, because Captain Levi snorted a laugh and looked away from you. There was no hint of a smile, but his frown looked less intense. You hoped that was a good thing.

Your eyes dropped to the floor. Though there was very little to see, since you were perched on top of the captain’s feet, swaying smoothly backwards, forwards, and every way in between. The knot in your abdomen was nauseating. Your hands felt clammy. You needed to get out of there.

Not lifting your gaze, you began softly, “I found some--”

Captain Levi interrupted you with an impatient click of his tongue. You looked up. His sleek hooded eyes betrayed nothing. However, you did notice one thing--they weren’t gray, they were blue. Like a spruce tree in the mountains. You had seen paintings of them before, how metallic they looked if one wasn’t paying attention. But then, if you really looked, you could see the blue come out before your very eyes. It took your breath away.

“You’ll need to learn how to dance properly,” Captain Levi informed you, bringing you back to the present. It was becoming all too easy to let distractions take hold of you. “Our cover will be blown if people see you tripping over yourself like an idiot.”

You couldn’t hide your reaction to that. Your brow furrowed, lips pouting, and you ran your mouth before you could stop yourself. “I tripped over _you_.”

His smoldering glare bit back. You wanted to shrink away, but his hands were keeping you close. You saw something coruscate across his features, the disposition of which unknown to you, as he leaned down ever so slightly. You steeled yourself against the urge to bow your head in submission. Something about his buttons just felt like they needed pushing.

You were airborne in an instant. Your panicked hands whipped to Captain Levi’s shoulders and gripped with all their might. Your head was tilted back so you could see the beautiful etchings in the ceiling. Candlelight glittered against the marble inlays and golden details in whimsical patterns that almost made you forget you were falling. That, and the fire that lit on your skin where the captain’s embrace found you, one hand splayed between your shoulder blades, the other still on the small of your back.

It took you a moment to realize your toes were still balanced atop his. The room shifted once again as Captain Levi smoothly hoisted you back to your feet. Your fingers still dug into his viridian lapels, afraid to release them in fear of toppling backwards. The rest of his suit was a stunning charcoal. The white cravat at his throat stood out, but it made him look refined.

“I see why your ODM scores were shit.”

Groaning, you stared out over his shoulder again, refusing to look at him. “Must have missed the ballroom dance lessons Shadis was running.”

“Now, now, recruit,” he tutted, “no need to get so testy.”

You frowned. _Is he fucking with me?_ You bit your tongue and continued staring daggers at the blur of people twisting around you. Seeing as though Captain Levi could toss you across the room, and you were at his mercy standing on his feet, you figured it would prove much more beneficial for you to behave yourself as a subordinate. There was a nagging feeling that accompanied the buzz beginning to wash over you.

 _I don’t have time for a dance lesson,_ you thought with an impatient sigh.

“You can let go, you know.”

You released the death grip on his lapels and returned your hands to his shoulder and one of his. He then pushed you back slightly, so you stood on your own, and slowed his pace. The music came back into focus. It was so beautiful that you couldn’t help smiling, the annoyance of the previous moments completely forgotten. Serenity wrapped itself around you. You remembered vaguely that there was something you needed to do. The thought didn’t bother you for long.

“It’s a square,” Captain Levi stated. His hands were firm on you, guiding you backwards with a slight turn. “Keep your feet apart or you’ll trip again.”

You concentrated intensely on stepping in a square pattern--backwards--while also spinning. You couldn’t go a minute without stumbling or trying to go the wrong way, but it was certainly better than your first attempts. The captain led you wordlessly for a long time, watching you as you gradually began to find the flow of the dance. You were surprised you were able to move less robotically.

“Better?” you asked, beaming. Captain Levi caught your gaze with his, and for a moment, he contemplated you with tender eyes that startled you. The look quickly passed, replaced by a delicate frown that examined your dance technique.

“Barely,” he concluded.

You scoffed quietly. You shut your eyes and smiled to yourself, shoulders and neck relaxing as your legs carried you in graceful circles. The space between yourself and the captain closed. Your synchronous steps delighted you, the music tickling your heart with each beat. You barely remembered you were dancing with a partner. Euphoria melted the outside world from your mind as it pushed its way through your bloodstream.

When your eyelids fluttered open again, the gorgeous dark garments of the gala’s attendees were a stream of color, sparks of candlelight carving their way through midnight. You eagerly lifted your chin above the captain’s shoulder so you could take in the entirety of the vibrant atmosphere.

His voice tore through the veil between your dream state and reality. “What did you find out?”

Adrenaline sent a shock through your chest. It sobered you, if only for a moment, and the details of the evening came tumbling out before you realized you were speaking. “I went to the northwestern tower. The doors were all unlocked, but it was almost completely empty. The tower itself was old and didn’t have any candles. I found some women with Coderoin in the bathroom,” you said steadily, forcing yourself not to wince, “and talked them up about the church. Apparently Jax is here with a church official.”

Captain Levi ruminated on your words for longer than you were comfortable with. _I’m dead,_ you thought. _He’s going to kill me. Especially if he knows I’m high._ The anxiety nearly made your heart rocket out of your chest.

“Go check in with Miche. I’ll have a conversation with her.” He sounded level. Focused.

Hopefully he didn’t know.

You let yourself exhale quietly in relief. You could escape and wait out the worst of it. “Yes, Captain,” you nodded.

He squeezed your hand until your fingers crumbled in on one another. “Call me that again and this entire operation is shot,” he seethed, lips right beside your ear. You shuddered.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t do anything stupid before you can be supervised again.” Captain Levi began leading you toward the edge of the room.

You rolled your eyes where he couldn’t see you. “I don’t need to be supervised.”

He didn’t reply. Almost as soon as he led you off the dance floor, a tall young man with raucous brown eyes and a simple black suit asked you to dance. You were confused at first, barely aware of the captain’s fingers leaving yours as he slipped away to find Jax, but you soon found joy in dancing with a stranger. He didn’t care if you were high, or if you were a bad dancer, and he most certainly didn’t think you needed supervision. You determined he was a few years younger than you. You further deduced that, without the trauma, he was a few decades younger than you.

You let him jabber on about himself without paying attention to so much as his name. You merely laid your head on his bony chest and absorbed the music.

A low ring sounded in your ears. The longer it lasted, the more certain you were that the drugs were beginning to fade. Next was a raging headache. You were used to those by now, though. You ended the dance with the man whose name you didn’t know. Your heels tapped loudly on the polished floors as you made your way back through the eastern hall. You snatched a half-empty bourbon glass from a high table near the bar, hoping that any strange behaviors caused by the Coderoin could be explained by alcohol. 

The anxiety came in waves. You searched for Captain Miche throughout the hall and the courtyard to no avail. The fact that you could find neither Reiner nor Jean worried you to the point of tears prickling at your eyes. Maybe it was a setup. Or maybe the name you spoke held the wrong kind of influence, and you had drawn the attention of the snakes whose labyrinth you were in. After your third agonizingly slow circle of the courtyard, you ducked back into the eastern hall to check the ballroom again.

Tension vanished from your muscles as you laid eyes on Jean. He steered himself toward you with a big, flashy grin. You returned the expression and reached a hand out for his arm, prepared to walk together, but instead smacked right into him, staggered by his sudden hold on you. He bent down and kissed you deeply--tasting heavily of liquor--until you broke the moment with laughter.

Jean was unfazed. He held you as you laughed at him, gently swaying. “I’m really horny,” he whispered loudly.

You burst into a fit of giggles at the few stares you received from other guests within earshot. Shaking your head, you wriggled free of Jean’s iron grip and began leading him back to the ballroom. He was happy to be toted along. You were glad someone appeared more intoxicated than you.

“Have you seen Captain Miche?” you asked, still scanning the room for him as you walked. 

“Yeah, out on the balcony like fifteen minutes ago.”

“Huh. Surprised you can remember that far back.”

“Shut up,” Jean grumbled.

You dug your nails into your free hand as the stomach cramping began. _I forgot about the crash._ It was a battle to keep yourself composed through the nausea. Jean was preoccupied with parting the crowd in front of you to get to the balcony at the back of the room. There were large windows on either side of the glass doors, which is why you hadn’t noticed it.

Captain Miche was standing at the railing, looking around the area, and immediately started in your direction after spotting you. He twirled his finger harshly. You and Jean turned on your heels and began marching after your captain. You gathered a ball of your skirts in your free hand as you trotted back toward the courtyard.

“They know we’re here,” Captain Miche said lowly.

You shared a terror-struck look with Jean.

“What do we do?” you whispered, distressed.

“Get the hell out of here.” Captain Miche guided you past the doors to the courtyard. “Service entrance is this way.” He opened a door on the left and waved you two through. You dashed down corridors, nearing the southern edge of the castle, until you came upon the kitchen. The captain didn’t hesitate leading you among disgruntled chefs and service staff to get to the small tunnel the workers were allowed to travel in.

It dumped you out beside the stables, where Reiner and Captain Levi were waiting with the horses. A few MP bodies were scattered around the entrance.

“They took someone,” Captain Levi said to Captain Miche. “Looked like the guy Jax was with.”

“Let’s go, then,” Captain Miche nodded. The team leapt to their horses, you covering your mouth as vomit threatened to spill from it, and raced toward the city gates.

“Split up, fire a flare if you see them. Stay on the main roads so you don’t get lost,” Captain Miche ordered.

“Roger!” Reiner and Jean shouted in unison. You were afraid to speak, lest your voice not be the only thing coming from your throat. Your gown billowed out behind you as Griffon took off down the road to the left. You could hear the sounds of ODM anchors hitting rooftops ahead of you. You squeezed him hard with your thighs so that your backside could be lifted up off the saddle. Posting made your stomach feel a thousand times worse.

Oil lamps flew past. You were beginning to feel dizzy.

 _Not yet,_ you thought frantically. _Hold it together for a little longer._

You pushed your eyes wide open and hunkered forward, hands clutching the reins and Griffon’s mane to stay balanced. You focused on the figures popping in and out of view up ahead. You knew you wouldn’t be able to reach them on horseback since they had control of the vertical plane. You had to find some gear.

Your eyes darted around the road. There were only so many places that the regular MP patrols could have been. In fact, you were almost certain they were waiting for you. Not even five seconds later you shrieked at the sudden gunshot to your left. Griffon kept on, but you kicked off your shoes and pushed yourself off of his back. You rolled to the edge of the road.

You pressed yourself into the wall of a shop. You shoved your arm beneath your skirts and groped around for the knives you had strapped to your thighs in case of an emergency. Footsteps came running out from the alley beside you, but you were prepared, grabbing the first soldier’s rifle and shoving the butt of it over his shoulder, into the face of the second soldier. You planted your knee between the first’s legs and then plunged one of your blades into his stomach. He cried out, crumpling over.

The second had their wits about them. They put up more of a fight, swinging hard to get you at a distance so they could use their rifle. You kept them close, however, and managed to shove your shoulder into them, knocking them against the stone behind them. They wound their arms around you, trapping you, landing a heavy blow to your sternum with their knee. The air was stolen from your lungs.

Seeing no other way out, you grudgingly swiped at their collar with your second knife. Blood squirted onto the back of your neck. They fell to the ground, gurgling the blood rushing into their lungs as they struggled to breathe.

“You bitch!”

Fingers rooted themselves in your hair and yanked, sending you tumbling back. A fist smashed into your jaw. Your arm shot up, slicing him where your blade connected with skin. You turned quickly and condemned him to the same fate as his partner.

Panting, you flicked dripping blood from your hands. The smell elicited a dry heave from you. Your body was begging you to give up, but there was no time to even think about it. You dropped to your knees and undid the shorter one’s harness. You cut holes in your dress to feed them through, tightening them extra around your feet since you didn’t have any shoes.

You hooked his ODM gear and gas canister to your back. You stowed your own knives in one of the straps on your harness and bolted out of the alley, legs swinging as you grappled to the top of a building. The brisk air hitting your face was refreshing.

The headache was really beginning to take effect. You saw dark spots all over, making it difficult to keep an eye on the group of MPs ahead of you. It didn’t seem as though anyone else from your team had gotten their hands on any gear.

_I’m the only one with this vantage point._

You swallowed the lump in your throat. You were seconds away from plowing face-first into the side of a building, your eyes drooping shut, your limbs becoming heavy and tingly. Somehow you made it to the town square, where the MPs had stopped to rendezvous. You slung yourself down to the ground and peered around the corner of a building. Your eyes widened.

The rest of your team was there already, braced for a fight. Captains Miche and Levi had rifles pointed at the small group of MPs in front of them. A large fountain obscured your view of Jean and Reiner. The gentle sound of its water babbling was eerily loud.

“Put the gun down, Levi,” a raspy voice commanded.

“Just me?” he quipped, acid on his tongue.

“Very funny. How about you walk away now and I won’t get you executed?”

Your heart thudded louder.

“Nile, don’t be dense. You know as well as I do that the second I turn around you’ll put a bullet in my back.” His demeanor was serious, which worried you.

Nile laughed bitterly. “You’re right. Would you like me to put it in your front, instead?”

“Enough,” Captain Miche cut in. “Hand over the pastor. The Military Police’s corruption needs to end now.”

“Sure, since you asked so nicely.”

You rolled your eyes. You decided to take the time they were wasting with their pissing contest and search the area. You slowly padded around the square, taking each opportunity in the breaks between buildings to examine the situation. It remained still and tense for quite some time. You spotted Jean and Reiner farther back from the captains, guns pointed as well. There were four of them, plus you, against three MPs and the pastor. He was a gaunt man with thin gray hair and lines etched everywhere on his face. He wore traditional black robes with the necklace of the walls hanging on his chest.

You put an arm over your stomach as a wave of nausea hit you. A small groan escaped your lips. You dragged yourself to another, taller set of buildings and quietly scaled it with the help of your anchors. Movement was the only thing that could distract you from throwing up.

You crawled along the shingled roof until you could see the entire scene clearly.

Your body screamed in protest as you threw yourself to your feet. You leapt off the top of the building, eyes locked on the rooftop opposite you, where three other MPs had snuck up to with their rifles. Your dress fluttered up past your head as you dropped. Then your fingers fired the triggers, you swung down and, just before touching the ground, your ODM wires flung you skyward. You dislodged the hooks and continued to soar.

The MPs’ heads whipped up to you. You were faster, however, sending your daggers flying into two of their chests. You sank another anchor into the chimney beside the third. You sent your feet into his abdomen, knocking him flat, and pushed off of him into a run. One of the women you hit with a dagger came rushing after you.

Gunshots sounded from below.

You threw your entire body into a punch that thankfully landed. The MP rolled right off the roof. You darted over to the edge, only to realize that your team was perfectly fine and taking ownership of Pastor Nick. One body was bleeding out on the ground. The others must have fled.

 _Cowards,_ you thought with a snarl. You shot an anchor into a column on one of the surrounding structures and fell to the ground, legs barely able to carry your weight.

Jean and Reiner came running up to you.

“Thanks for flashing us,” Jean said sarcastically.

“Consider yourself luck _hyeeugh_!” Your words were interrupted by a mass of vomit spewing from you, hitting the ground with a disgusting splat. You doubled over on the stone street, heaving on your hands and knees, as the overwhelming stress your body was under finally caught up to you. You pressed your palms to your ears in an attempt to combat the horrible stabbing pain in your skull.

Someone’s hand found your back. Another pulled your hair from the line of fire. You coughed and spat the rest of the contents of your stomach out and collapsed on your side, breathing shakily.

“What happened?” Jean asked, worried eyes hanging over you.

You waved him off weakly. “I’ll be fine. Just give me a minute.”

“Wraith,” Captain Miche said from beside Jean. “Did you get injured? Let me look.”

Jean and your captain continued to fuss over you until you sat up and promised them you were fine. Reiner had Pastor Nick locked in place in front of him. The blond giant gave you a pitying look.

You felt a little better after puking. Your mouth tasted gross, though.

A hand in your hair pulled you from your daze. Captain Levi wrenched your hair down, causing your face to lift to him. His eyes burned holes in you.

“I didn’t take you for a tweaker.”

You couldn’t help but grin. “My pupils are blown,” you conceded. _Almost had it._

He searched your face a few seconds longer. The funny thing was, you felt no judgement. Curiosity, or concern, or probably annoyance, but not judgement. He straightened himself and released you. He looked back over his shoulder, rifle propped up in the crook of his neck. He had shed his jacket at some point. You could see the way his muscles wound around his arms through his sleek charcoal button-down.

Your cheeks warmed.

“Let’s move before more come looking for trouble,” Captain Levi ordered.

“C’mon,” Captain Miche grunted, threading his arm around your back and hoisting you to your feet. You would have put up more of a fight, but in truth, you were grateful for the support. Jean followed closely behind you two. Captain Levi and Reiner led the way back to where their horses were.

You muttered a curse under your breath. There was no telling where Griffon had gone. You know he wouldn’t answer your call if you couldn’t actively see him.

Captain Miche handed you off to Jean. “I’ll go find that grumpy old fart,” he said. He craned his neck around to address Captain Levi. “Meet at the inn near Willowbrook?”

Captain Levi nodded. His horse shuffled nervously beneath him.

“Thanks,” you said quietly as he passed.

Jean ushered you over to Captain Miche’s steed. “What was all that about, then?”

You shook your head. “It’s a long story.”

He sighed harshly. Looking up at him, you saw his sour face, and realized how worried he must have been. And then to find out you were fucked up on Coderoin. Something dark clawed at your chest. It was heavy and excruciating, like a dull butcher’s knife dragging along your heartstrings.

Shame. Guilt. Self-loathing. Things you hadn’t felt in front of someone in a long time. 

_Good friends don’t lie._

“I’m sorry,” you whispered. You hugged him close for a few seconds. He helped you up into the saddle and then went to assist Reiner in sharing his ride with Pastor Nick. You prepared yourself for the long ride ahead. You just hoped you could make it to bed before you keeled over.

“Let’s go,” Captain Levi said. He tapped his heels on his mare’s sides, and the three of you followed suit. Each step sent pain shooting through your head. You chewed on the insides of your cheeks to keep your mouth shut. You deserved it.

You worried about Captain Miche all the way through the back alleys of the city. You finally came to a gate in a less populated area, and Captain Levi ordered you all to wait while he went to deal with the guards. He was gone less than five minutes.

You moved through the southeastern gate with ease. You felt another round of stomach-lurching nausea coming on, so you dropped back to yack out of view. You remembered the bladder pack attached to Captain Miche’s saddle and relished the feeling of washing your mouth out. You kept your eyes peeled, longing, hopelessly, for spearmint.

You returned to your place and managed to keep it together the rest of the ride to Willowbrook Village. It was a small, swampy place with overgrown vegetation on almost everything. The horses’ hooves pounded on the soggy, moss-covered wooden bridge that led to the village’s entrance.

A cloaked figure raced toward you, torch in hand. Captain Levi put his hand on his rifle.

She pulled her hood down.

A messy mahogany ponytail revealed itself from beneath the brown cloak. Her lips quivered, topaz eyes wide.

Sasha Braus came to a halt before your squad.

“Captain Levi,” she huffed, “the others are missing!”

A collective gasp rose from your squad.

“They’re somewhere to the west.” Sasha looked at each of you nervously.

Captain Levi leered at you over his shoulder. He spoke your name and said, “Stay here with Kirschtein and wait for Miche. Where do they follow us?” he returned his gaze to Sasha. 

She looked past him at you. “Follow the main road west. We’ll have to wait before we go anywhere after that if you haven’t caught up yet.”

You and Jean nodded. They disappeared around a bend in the trees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy sunday!! here's some fresh gala content for you. i apologize it's a bit short! i really, really, REALLY love getting all your comments, they mean so much to me and make me so happy. thank you all from the bottom of my heart
> 
> also, i know coderoin is supposed to be kinda like morphine, but i wanted to take some creative liberties with its effects. let me know how you liked this one!!
> 
> ps sorry i changed the summary again the other one was cringe <33


	13. Cracks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 13 playlist (recommended in order) - https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4QHos7AkaGZqYKqwbs5lx3?si=e702846cc6df46bc

You were staring at your hands long after the dust settled behind the others. You felt as though there were millions of thoughts flying around in your head, screaming bloody murder in vivid detail, but at the same time you felt incapable of hanging onto a single morsel of information passing through you. Your lips quivered, but your eyes were dry.

You wanted desperately to look at Jean and face him with the knowledge behind your decisions. You strained every muscle in your body to heed your orders and meet his eyes. It didn’t matter; you were frozen. You would have wretched had there been any strength left in your abdomen.

His voice came first. “What happened?” he asked softly. Kindly.

You swallowed. Your words came shakily. “There were these women in the restroom where I searched,” you began. “I listened in on their conversation and thought it was a good opportunity to try and get some information. I needed the credibility.”

“You looked like you knew what was going on when you were sick. You’ve done it before?”

The question stung. You could hear every unspoken thought beneath it. His view of you had completely shifted. There was no way to be the person he thought you were anymore. The simple, happy woman he knew was dead in that palace bathroom. As soon as she made that choice and picked up those pills, Jean’s best friend disappeared. The authentic you--the damaged, dark, demented you--was on display, and you had ripped the mask right off for all to see. What were you thinking?

It took all your strength to nod. You squeezed your eyes shut in preparation for the tongue-lashing you were about to receive. You had finally done it.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Nothing could have prepared you for the hurt in his voice. You hoped this day would never come, the one where you would undoubtedly drive a wedge between yourself and Jean. He was a middle class boy that lived and breathed Trost from the day he was born; he had the privilege of being annoyed by his mother’s love. You could understand that he felt suffocated at times, sure, but he knew he was being excessive. You had helped him work through that way back when you had a crush on him as cadets. Thought you could fix him.

And there you sat, skin barely holding together beneath the force of your beautifully-manicured nails, yearning for the comfort of his all-encompassing hugs. You loved the way he messed with your hair. It reminded you of Marco.

It would have been extremely selfish of you to ask for comfort, however, when you were certain he would want nothing to do with you. This scenario had played out in your head hundreds, if not thousands, of times over the course of your friendship. Marco knew everything since you grew up together. As far as Jean was concerned, your secrets died with him. 

He spoke your name gently, all of a sudden gently brushing your hand with his. You looked over. He was standing on the dirt road beneath you, looking up with concern written all over him. You wanted to die from the guilt that laid ruin to your heart and stole your breath.

“Jean…” you whimpered, unable to match his gaze. “I’m sorry.”

“Love, why are you sorry?” he asked sincerely. He squeezed your palm and rolled his thumb in slow, light circles around it. You felt some air return to your lungs. You still hung your head low while he tugged on your hand, gesturing for you to come down off Captain Miche’s horse.

You let him guide you to the ground. Feeling too guilty to accept his help at the moment, however, you insisted on leading your horse by yourself. You walked quietly to a side street and parked yourselves at the corner. Jean peeked around every so often to keep an eye out for your captain.

“I’m sorry you’re not feeling well,” he said, and you could feel his eyes on your left cheek. 

You pressed further into the dark brick walls in an attempt to flatten yourself into it. His sweetness was going to kill you. The thundering in your chest only worsened as you finally peeked out from beneath the black hood of the cloak that had been stored in the horse’s bag. Your hair had fallen down past your shoulders, the pins lost somewhere in the mess.

“It’s one of those things I don’t really tell people,” you said carefully. “I had a rough patch when I was younger. I’ve been clean a long time, though.”

Jean’s shoulders relaxed, lips melting into a worried smile. “I don’t care about that. I just want you to be okay.”

You shifted your eyes to the ground once more. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

He took a quick look around the corner and then led his horse over to you, pulling you in for a close hug. A little bit of the heaviness in your chest disappeared. His fingers trailed softly where they lay wrapped around your side and back. You were soon able to soften into his touch. You were able to breathe again.

Jean held you for a few minutes. At that point, you knew you had to be strong enough to stand on your own two feet, so you pulled away. He gave you an encouraging grin, coffee-colored locks hanging in front of his eyes. He was so pretty that way.

“You don’t have to tell me anything,” he stated matter-of-factly, sweet, raspy voice trailing long and fluid, “I love you just the same. You’re my best friend in the entire world,” and the sound of your name rolling off his tongue got a real smile out of you. “I’m always going to be here for you.”

You took in a long breath. Exhaled. The world came back into focus. You hadn’t realized how detached you had felt the past few hours, simply floating along in a numb, nameless river that carried you to where you stood, then, teeth flashing lovingly down at you. Your body ached beyond belief and you were exhausted. And with the situation presented to you by Sasha, there was no end in sight.

Realization dawned on you. You had been so absorbed into your own separate reality that the news hadn’t processed. Faces flashed before you. Connie. Ymir. Krista. Bertholdt. They were missing. What could have possibly happened where they could go missing? Who else was with them?

Panic rose in your chest as you rushed to peek around the corner of the street. The road was barren in both directions. _Hurry, Captain,_ you pleaded silently.

With a sigh, Jean appeared at your side. “He better hurry up. These pants are making my ass itch.”

You sputtered a laugh. If there was one thing you loved about that man, it was his absolute refusal to take anything seriously with you. Your twisted, private jokes kept you sane during such tense situations. He was such a wonderful leader that his cynicism was reserved for your audience only. It wouldn’t exactly instill confidence in his abilities or inspire his team.

You waited for Captain Miche another thirty minutes. He came barrelling down the wide dirt road with two extra sets of ODM gear slung over his shoulders in addition to the one now strapped over his suit, silk in various layers of deep indigo and gold. In the darkness, however, it nearly all looked black.

Griffon huffed nearly every step.

You and Jean led your horses around the corner as Captain Miche hopped off of Griffon before he even came to a stop. 

“Some MPs followed me out, so hurry it up,” he ordered gruffly. He seemed frazzled. He began unraveling one harness from around his arms. “Kirschtein.”

 _They must be close,_ you concluded. You hurried over to Griffon and dug around for his snacks in the pouches on his back.

“Here, Griff,” you whispered. His giant teeth chomped at the fruit mix in your extended palm. You hauled yourself onto his back, bare feet nestled in the rough stirrups. “Sasha found us and said the others have gone missing. Captain Levi took her and the other two out west.”

“Got it.”

You rapped your heels on Griffon’s sides. His black nose exhaled loudly. Regardless, he started after Captain Miche and his horse. Jean expertly assembled his harness at a trot on top of his deep bay Buchwald. You raced south and shot west as soon as you cleared the edge of Hermina District. You felt a longing as you passed the road you would take to get back to the Scouts’ Headquarters.

_Everyone damn well better come back._

A few hours passed in silence. The night was still heavy and starless through the remainder of your journey. At a northern-pointing splinter off the main road, Captain Levi’s magnificent black mare slowly came into view. Reiner sat more than a few heads taller behind him, Pastor Nick packed on the saddle in front of him. Sasha held the torch to his right.

You breathed out a sigh of relief. At least this group was safe.

“You’re too slow, Miche,” Captain Levi scolded once within earshot.

“Thought I’d take the scenic route,” your captain retorted, tossing him the spare set of ODM gear. “Where to?”

“Up this way,” Sasha replied, nodding her head toward the narrow road that led into a large patch of trees. “We were all supposed to meet back at my village, Dauper. No one came.”

Captain Levi turned his horse toward Sasha. “Lead the way.”

She began down the winding road toward Dauper Village. She explained that Captains Nanaba and Gelgar had been put in charge of them while Captain Levi was away, and that they had been taken to an old outpost to do some maintenance. Eren, Armin, and Mikasa were with Hange for experiments. There was a sudden rush of Titans that came at them from the southwest. They were then dispatched to the settlements in those areas with the explicit request to meet back at Dauper to complete a sweep of the walls.

“Did the captains have gear?” Captain Miche asked warily.

Sasha nodded. “Just not us.”

The sun cast a muted rosy glow over the land. Clouds blocked most of it in a gray sheet, but some warmth was able to creep through. You continued on the path toward Dauper engrossed in anxiety over the fate of your friends. Not to mention the aches that wracked your muscles each time Griffon’s hooves stomped on the ground. A small portion of the sky had turned blue in one of the western corners of Wall Rose. Your eyes narrowed as you caught the silhouette of an impressive castle on the horizon.

“Wait!” you gasped, yanking Griffon to a halt. The others followed suit with tense expressions. “Look,” you pointed toward the castle. Small black specks could be seen flying around it. If you strained your eyes enough, you could just barely make out the flicker of torches within its windows.

“Could that be them?” Reiner wondered aloud.

“Whoever it is, they’re alive,” Captain Levi stated impatiently, already shifting the reins in his hands. “I saw a path leading that way back a kilometer ago.”

Just like that, you turned in your tracks for the millionth time that evening. You fell into stride between Jean and Sasha, eyes trained on the captain’s back as his gorgeous black horse hurtled forward. His raven-black hair fluttered out behind him in long strands.

A sloping ravine took you to the foot of Castle Utgard. The trees broke a few hundred meters from its fortified oak doors, the path upward revealing a pool of Titans clawing at the stones that held the castle together. There had to be at least twenty of them. They moaned and gnawed on the structure desperately. Your team slowed around the start of the clearing.

“Miche,” Levi said sharply, whipping his head over his shoulder with a look that could slaughter him where he stood. 

“Yeah,” your captain nodded. He turned to you. “Secure the horses here and get up high. Whistle if you see anything.”

“Yes, sir.” You listened to the tail end of Captain Levi’s orders for Reiner.

“We can manage one horse in the castle. Not five. As soon as the last one’s ugly fucking body hits the ground, you come running. Understood?”

“Roger!” Reiner nodded, attempting to throw his hand over his heart, but instead smacking Pastor Nick square in the sternum.

The old man coughed.

“Sorry,” Reiner mumbled.

“Let’s go!” Captain Miche barked. He leapt from his horse and began up the hill to the castle. The others followed suit, Sasha piling onto Reiner’s horse as well. He was obscenely muscular, so you hoped he could carry them that far.

You felt the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. You quickly got to your task, wrapping leads around reins around halters around trees. The cold ground was littered with twigs that stung your feet. The feeling of having unclean feet bothered you immensely, almost more so than the Coderoin withdrawals, but still you shouldered past it. You shot your anchors into a sturdy tree trunk and flew up into its barren branches. You peered out from your perch with your arms wrapped tightly around the tree’s center.

The land you could see was empty. A small sigh escaped you, but then you remembered your teammates at the castle, and you hurried to find each of them. Reiner and his group waited just far enough away from the mass of Titans, still hugging the treeline, and Jean and Captain Miche worked in tandem to eliminate those on the outside first. Captain Levi, though… he was something else entirely.

Faint morning light had begun to sink into the environment. His swords caught the light every so often, and as he spun, blood gushing in trails behind him, he took out twice as many Titans as the others combined. One of the captains that was with the other 104th recruits came down from the tower to assist. On cue, Reiner spurred his horse with the final _boom_ from the Titans’ bodies crashing to the ground. Steam erupted from the area around the castle, obscuring your view of your teammates.

You breathed deeply. At least that was over. You looked over your shoulder to check the area before heading down to meet your comrades. 

Your breath caught in your throat. 

Less than a kilometer away, a dust cloud was being kicked up by a wave of Titans sprinting toward you. Their limbs bent and flailed in strange directions, heads and tongues lolling to the sides, gaining incredible distance with every second that passed. The erratic movements cast frenzied shadows on the grassy fields they barreled through. 

Your body trembled as the wispy branches holding you up began to shake violently. Crows fled from the broken branches in droves.

Icy wind swept around you in slow motion. You threw yourself from your treetop lookout, your hood whipping back against your neck. Branches stung your cheeks and your dry, cracked hands as you dove through the canopy. Your ODM grapples sliced through the air until they hit the bottom third of a tree near the horses. You argued with yourself about whether or not you should take Griffon, but decided his safety was guaranteed, whereas yours was not.

You stuck two fingers in your mouth and whistled as loudly as you possibly could. You were spat out onto the grass at the base of the hill, feet swiftly picking up to a sprint as soon as you touched the ground. “Run!” The scream tore through your throat.

Again. “Run!”

“ _Run!_ ”

Your voice was raspy, and you could barely squeak the word out. 

Your thighs burned as you propelled yourself up to the castle’s gates. Your arms jerked you forward with each movement, gown jumbled up in both fists. The distant thundering of the Titans’ footsteps started to shake the earth beneath you.

Trepidation corroded every fiber of your being. Your toes sunk into the mud one after another, over and over, mind racing, thoughts waging war against one another with each step, unable to concentrate with the white-hot presence of Titans shooting down your spine. It felt like years passed as you ran for your life.

The steam had barely cleared by the time you were close enough to use your gear again. Your eyes spotted the open doors and blindly shot your anchors into the stone of the castle’s tower. With a choked grunt, you flew over the threshold, rolling on the wooden floor into the winding stone staircase at the back of the foyer. Your ODM gear bit into your sides at the impact.

The castle doors slammed shut. Bodies rushed to barricade it further. Your head spun as a groan slid from your throat. Voices rose around you.

“Yo…” Connie’s astonished gasp was easily distinguished from the others.

You fought to open your eyes, but the ceiling was still moving rather inconsiderately, so you resigned to your spot on the floor for the time being.

“Hey,” a low grumble met your ears, accompanied by a soft boot in your back. “Brat, get up.”

 _You’re so fucking annoying._ Meekly, you moved your palms to your sides and pushed up until you were sitting. Your hair was ratty and windblown.

“Upstairs,” Captain Levi said to no one in particular. Jean and Connie helped you to your feet. All of you slowly made your way up the spiral stairs, along with Reiner’s speckled horse Cupcake, stealing quick glances out the tiny windows to see the Titans. Thankfully, they hadn’t made much progress in scaling the walls. There was no telling how long you had, though.

You were propped up against a wall on one of the upper floors. Sasha and Connie tended to your injuries with the minimal tools they had while the others caught up toward the middle of the room.

“How did you even get all these bruises?” Sasha asked curiously.

“Got into a fight on the way out of the capital,” you replied, wincing as Connie manipulated your left leg. Your hip was sore. “It gets irritated sometimes after a lot of work. That’ll be okay, though. How was your day?”

Connie snorted a laugh. His typically vibrant voice was bitter and hollow. You couldn’t stop your face from falling. “Just fantastic. My village is gone. Like,” he laughed sharply, garnering the attention of a few others behind him, “ _entirely_ gone! Without a trace. And my mom…” he trailed off.

Of course the circumstances were wildly different, but you knew the feeling of losing your entire world all too well. “I’m sorry, Connie,” you said softly. You laid your hand lightly atop his. You did not meet his eyes, however; you afforded him that private moment before returning your attention to Sasha.

“Am I clear?” You needed to be back in the action before your body decided it was time to rest.

“For now,” Sasha said tentatively. She wiped stray droplets of the liquor they had been using to clean wounds on her gray skirt. She looked tired. They all looked tired. Dark circles, lines, under-eye bags, and pure stress could be seen on every single one of your faces. “Be more careful, Wraith.”

“Oh, not you, too.” You rolled your eyes. The name didn’t necessarily bother you, but there was something about it you didn’t like.

“It suits you.” She grinned at you warmly. You surrendered for the moment. You tuned into the main conversation.

“We’ve been fighting them off all night.” Captain Nanaba, a tall, slender woman with short blonde hair and captivating eyes, rattled off the details of the past twelve hours. “We were checking the walls after passing through Ragako Village when another wave came up on us. We were chased here and they just kept coming.”

It seemed as though she was the only superior officer left alive from their group. You counted your friends, catching yourself when you searched for Marco’s face. The dull pain of his death dragged its barbed wire fingers through your heart as you thought of him. _He would know exactly what to do._

Sasha noticed the twinge of sadness that made it to your lips. Without looking, she reached her hand over to yours and gave it a squeeze.

“I’m assuming Gelgar ate it?” Captain Levi asked with distaste.

His abrupt vulgarity made it difficult for you not to laugh. You swallowed it despite yourself and tried to concentrate on the serious situation unfolding before you.

“Yeah,” Captain Nanaba answered uncomfortably. “It’s just us now. I’m almost out of gas. You guys?”

Those of you with ODM gear knocked on the gas canisters to feel their weight. To your dismay, half of them were completely empty.

“Damn it,” Captain Levi spat, “they must have known we were coming. They sabotaged their own equipment. Filthy bastards.”

Captain Miche interjected. “Well, we’ve got to deal with them one way or another.” He slid his narrow eyes to the tiny window set in the crumbling gray stone. It occurred to you that the castle might not have been in any condition to be assaulted by hungry Titans.

You all had to act. Fast.

“Who’s the best with ODM?” your captain asked severely. You began unbuckling the harness around your figure. Even if you weren’t piss poor with the omni-directional maneuvering gear, your body couldn’t handle one more fight with a human, let alone a horde of Titans.

A few of your teammates raised their hands. Reiner, Jean, Krista--and by extension, Ymir--offered their services to the captains. Captain Miche came to collect your device, giving you a short grin in exchange for your pain. He opted to give the gear to Reiner. Ymir and Krista relaxed without having to shoulder that burden.

Captain Levi started toward the final portion of the winding stairs that led to the roof. He drew his gaze over the few with ODM harnesses on. “Kirschtein.” He spoke deliberately. “Hand it off to Ymir.”

Jean, immediately offended, had an appalled look sprawled over his face. “But, Captain--”

Captain Levi cut him off with a stare. Jean buckled under the pressure and hung his head, beginning to slip out of the brown leather straps. Ymir sulked at the notion of being separated from Krista. As the group began ascending the steps, Captain Miche gave you all orders to stay on that floor. There was a small round rug in the middle of the tower’s fourth level, and a broken bookshelf sitting near the wall. You were able to see some of your teammates bobbing up and down amid the crowd of Titan heads and arms. You strained your ears for the sounds of their screams.

Jean settled against the wall next to you. The warmth radiating from his side almost made you fall asleep on the spot. After you had become comfortable leaned against his arm, he withdrew it and nestled it around your shoulders, bringing you in closer to rest on him. You sighed in thanks, but you did not relax.

You watched in the stark, pale morning light, Krista staring out a window and waiting for Ymir to die. You watched Bertholdt sit with his head in his arms, curled up against the wall, waiting for Reiner to die. You watched Pastor Nick take in the horrifying routine of being hunted by those creatures first hand, waiting to die. You remembered just how impossible it felt to defeat a Titan the first time you saw one.

The sounds of metal on flesh rang out for an unbearable amount of time. Steam erupted out of napes as bodies collided with the ground. Grunts could be heard from your teammates occasionally. Behind those few intonations, however, there was nothing. A complete absence of everything except the oppressive calm of the early morning.

Your heart thundered against your ribs with every passing second. Jean continued to run his hand up and down your arm as the sun climbed over the walls.

“Nanaba!”

The shriek sent all of you to your feet. You bolted to the window Krista was looking out of, shoving the tall boys aside to look at the gruesome scene outside. You were just in time to glimpse Nanaba’s figure disappearing behind the tongue of a Titan.

“Father, please!” she wailed, struggling against the fist engulfing her. The unforgettable sound of flesh and bone being crushed met your ears.

Your stomach had just started to knot at the sight when the floor under you rumbled violently. You stumbled back into the wall of men behind you, grabbing Krista arm to yank her away from the window. Another quake shook the stones holding the castle together. Bricks crumbled into dust before your eyes. The third time, the shaking was accompanied by a loud crash and the sound of splitting wood.

“The door!” Reiner shouted in realization. He darted toward the stairs, shedding his suit coat along the way, with Bertholdt in tail wielding a broken piece of the bookcase.

You stuck your hands in the holes in your gown and patted your thighs for your blades. You groaned an expletive when the image of them sticking out of the MPs on a Mitras rooftop flashed through your mind. Instead, you ran over to the bookshelf in search of another makeshift weapon. Krista and Jean fell to their knees beside you to assist rummaging among the rotten wood.

“Go, go, go, go, _go_!” Connie’s ear-splitting screeches ripped up the stairs. He was a blur of pale yellow as he heaved himself over to you and Krista, roughly attaching himself to your wrists, and dragged you two to your feet.

Reiner, Bertholdt, and Jean shoved you along to the roof. You were too busy tripping over yourself to notice two five-meter Titans slowly crawling up the staircase behind you.

“Move this,” Reiner panted, hunching over a barrel near the top of the steps. His massive arms encircled it as Jean collected the bottom half of it. They tossed the thing down the stairs with loud grunts. Several things crashed to the ground, though you weren’t able to see what those things were.

You all rushed to cover the entrance of the staircase with the heavy crates and barrels on the roof of the castle. Thankfully, there was also an old canon up there, which you were able to wedge diagonally in a way that wouldn’t budge. Pastor Nick stood idly on the far side of the roof from you. You weren’t quite sure when he had made it up there.

“Hey, Captains!” Bertholdt called over the side. “Up here!”

Metal wires zipped to the pinnacle of the tower. Each of the Scouts crawled over the ledge in turn. Each except Captain Nanaba.

Captain Miche’s dull blades clattered to the ground. He crossed his arms and hooked the last pair to his ODM triggers. He and Captain Levi did not speak as they moved around the roof, assessing the situation. They stalked in slow circles like wolves on the hunt. However, the truth all of you held close to your centers, unwilling to let it see the light of day, was that they were brash arctic hares at the mercy of the wolf pack below.

You swallowed the lump in your throat and dared to let your eyes wander over the tower’s edge. Though a significant amount of steam rose into the brisk air, the Titans’ numbers hadn’t so much as a dent in them. You began to tremble as you stepped back.

 _Am I really going to die here?_ You looked at your companions. Terror was evident in all of their faces, save the Captains’. Reiner and Bertholdt stood to your left, staring out at the road you came from. Krista and Ymir embraced silently. You were vaguely aware of Jean at your side with his fingers intertwined with yours.

The Titans answered your thought with a resounding shake of the tower. You tumbled onto your backside, gripping Jean’s arm with unmatched force, and watched helplessly while the only thing keeping you from becoming breakfast decayed in seconds. Screams and shouts went ignored behind the sound of thousands of rocks breaking to pieces. A sharp breath escaped you as your body was suddenly suspended in the air.

Neon yellow and orange seized your vision briefly. The unmistakable roar of a Titan was all you could hear as your body was beaten beneath the tower’s structure. Jean’s arm had been taken from you at some point. You came to rest with your body contorted painfully in the rubble. Quick, shallow breaths washed against the stone pressed to your face. You could feel blood dripping down one of your cheeks.

Flesh was ripped and torn somewhere behind you. Or above you. You couldn’t be certain. Despite the exhaustion that pleaded you to shut your eyes for good, you managed to find it within yourself to wiggle your fingers and toes. All were functioning.

_Now how to get out of here?_

You fought the incredible weight holding you in the darkness for a long time. Slowly but surely, tiny fractals of light punctured the barrier of stone a few layers above you. Your grunts deepened as pain seeped through every corner of your body. You were so fucking tired of being hurt--of being bruised and punched and intoxicated. It was enough for an entire lifetime, let alone less than a day.

Just when your frustrations began to get the better of you, some of the rock moved. Someone had already gotten free and was digging for you.

“Hey!” you rasped, sent into a coughing fit by the dust in your throat. “Down here.” You squeezed your eyes shut to protect them from the brightness

Something soft was placed on either side of you. There was a slight pressure as you were lifted, turned over to your belly, and extracted from the debris. The grass was a welcome view.

The blades got smaller.

And smaller.

And smaller.

Your limbs dangled dumbly in the air. You came flush with the treetops and stopped moving higher in favor of moving to the side. Tears instantly welled in your eyes. One delicately slid down your bloodied skin, clinging to your jaw for just a moment before falling, falling deeply into the abyss nestled between two sets of gargantuan teeth.

It was the first time you cried since Marco’s death.

The Titan’s mouth stunk to high heaven. It was a miasma of burning, rotten skin and stomach acid. It held you pinched between its fingers for what seemed like an eternity, until you almost begged it to drop you in, drawing in a breath to scream at it in your final seconds.

Your voice died in your throat. It was cut off by another cry, much louder than any you had ever heard from a Titan before. It was mere seconds before your body was at the mercy of another gigantic palm, wrenched backwards so harshly your lungs deflated with the movement. Your front slammed into something curved and hard--then you were airborne--then slammed down again in successive motions that jerked you up and down.

You were completely disoriented when your eyelids fluttered open. You were secured against something--a horse?--that retreated in the direction opposite what you were facing. You could make out the castle’s toppled form as you descended the ravine. There stood a swath of Titans as well, stock-still, the one poised as though you were still in its possession. It had giant gashes along its side that were already healing.

“Ymir, go!”

You shot your gaze to the source of the voice. The break in the trees passed along with the group of horses, which were being hurriedly unraveled by your comrades. You watched them pile onto their steeds and break into sprints after you. It took you too long to piece together that the five horses you rode in on were still on the ground, and that the thing pinning you down was a large hand wrapped around your back.

Krista gave you a confused look from the other shoulder of the Titan you were on.

_Of course it’s Ymir._

Hooves pounded the ground beside you, teammates encircling you as you made your escape. Captain Levi trailed after the group with Captain Miche’s horse tethered to his own. He was halfway out of the saddle when a scream tore its way from your mouth, eyes wide in shock.

“ _Miche!_ ”

Captain Levi followed your horrified gaze to a small clearing along the path. There stood a hairy Titan with a broad torso and gangly arms and, beside it, was your captain being torn to shreds by several other smaller classes. His limbs glistened bright sanguine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for your patience!! your words of encouragement mean everything to me. this work makes me happy when it makes you all happy, so enjoy!
> 
> me putting vogel im kafig at the end of the playlist like no one would notice:🧍


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